Just one more

Today was my second to last radiation treatment. Hallelujah! I am utterly exhausted, my skin is wrecked and I'm weary of any and all things cancer-related, but... we are finally nearing the end of this phase. My friend Danielle summed up exactly how I have been feeling by likening it to when you drive somewhere but have no idea how you got there. That is how I have been piloting through life lately. I can see that the kids are dressed and I know that they have eaten something from the crumbs on the floor, but I can barely remember getting out of bed and accomplishing anything. It's a little scary, really... Unfortunately, they do tell me that it will all get a bit worse before it gets better (fun!) and that when I return for my check-up in about a month I should be about 75% of normal. Somehow that wasn't really what I was hoping to hear but with the compounding effects of chemotherapy and radiation... I'm not exactly sure what I was expecting. I guess that there is a part of me that just wants to wake up one day feeling like I did on April 28th, 2009... I'm not sure when it is going to sink in that that isn't ever going to happen.

I've latched onto a new song of late (thanks Heid for the cd!), called "Everyday". I think that multiple artists have performed it but I'm kind of partial to the Lincoln Brewster version. The verse that really gets me is this...

"Every day Lord
I learn to stand upon your word

and I pray that I

I might come to know you more

And You would guide me in

every single step I take

that everyday I could

be a light unto the world"

I've come to the place where if that is the case in my life... then I am succeeding. But I have to say that on a lot of occasions these days, it feels like a bigger job than I can handle. However, I guess that is the point... I can't handle it! It's up to God to make me what He has planned as long as I'm open to being "made" (just like on MTV... ha ha!).

So, since the arrival of the dreaded arm sleeve I have had increasing pain in my right hand. Good times! In email conversation with my PT (she is currently off on maternity leave), it was recommended that I see her counterpart in the Wexford office. I am dragging my feet on that appointment a bit because I fear that the resulting prescription will be for a glove to go along with the ugly, itchy, constricting sleeve. I've also been dragging my feet a bit on making a follow-up appointment with my surgeon - at the suggestion of my radiation oncologist (whom I love and really respect...). I need to clear up some things about why reconstruction was not commenced during my original surgery as planned and use that as a platform for our steps going forward. I just don't really have the energy to deal with that while I have my appointment with Dr. Puhalla (medical oncologist) looming next Tuesday. I will see her as part of the bisphosphanate study in addition to it being my post-radiation follow-up where we will discuss my scans (taking place this Thursday... feel free to hit your knees on that one...) and make the final decision on what medication I will be on for the coming 5 years. I really want to do some more research on all of this stuff but I'm just plain exhausted. I need to hire a research assistant and maybe just a general life assistant... I could call it "Hawmerica Inc." ;) ha ha.

Meanwhile... we will celebrate the last day of radiation with Grandma on Tuesday evening and just alone (Darin & I, that is) on Thursday. My parents will roll in this weekend to spend some much-needed time with us and Audrey will roll out two weeks from Wednesday for some much-needed time in Denver and Mexico (everyone needs time in Mexico now and again... ha ha). We will never be able to repay anyone, but in particular Grandma - who walked away from her life in a moment - for all that they have given throughout this L O N G ordeal. But regardless of how exhausting and overwhelming this entire journey has been, I can say with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.,

"Without (God) life is a meaningless drama with the decisive scenes missing. But with Him we are able to rise from the fatigue of despair to the buoyancy of hope."

I pray that you can too...

Is it possible to have writer's block about the story of your own life? I can't tell you how many times I have started to update things and for some reason... I just can't. But, today I am going to sit here until I bring you all up-to-date. Additionally, I have to add that 5 years ago today I was doing something much more fun at a hospital (incidentally the same one that I spend a lot of my time at these days...) and that was giving birth to our crazy boy, Parker. Happy Birthday big P, we love you sooo much!!

We have been loving the snow around here (see Parker at left...). We have spent countless hours sledding and snowboarding at "Zukowski Peak" (the totally awesome hill behind the Zukowski & Coffield homes one cul de sac up from our street...), shoveling our driveway (with a LOT of help from our neighbor Joe's snow blower... you've been a lifesaver Joe!! and a back-saver, shoulder-saver, arm-saver... ha ha) and just generally enjoying the beautiful weather. Goodness knows that we haven't had school for a week so we need to be doing something! It all started with the "day of Kristen" last Friday (Darin always takes the day off for my birthday and we spend the day just hanging out together... my favorite thing!). We had an awesome day just doing some errands, visiting stores that are tough to take 3 small children into and enjoying my free birthday entree at Mad Mex. We got home to watch movies and make dinner together as the snow really started to fall. (Audrey had graciously taken the kiddos all day AND overnight!) We woke up to an amazing winter wonderland and were immediately wishing that the kids were home to be playing in it with us! But of course Audrey was not afraid of the snow and by 9:30 was over at our house stuck on Columbia Court (it wasn't plowed out until sometime late on Saturday afternoon). We had an awesome day sledding and hanging out with the Coffields (complete with fabulous chocolate cake to celebrate my "actual" birthday. Here's to such awesome friends!!!!).

So anyway, in the midst of all of this wonderful winterness I have been continuing on with radiation. Going from my usual "all over" treatments to a "boost" which is directed right at the scar area with the number of treatments being dependent on your margin status (have I gone through all of this before??). Tomorrow will be the last of those 8 treatments and then I will be taking Monday off since I have one area under my arm that has been included in all of the treatments and is looking pretty rough. After that... there will be 6 more of the overall treatments which should take me up to February 23rd. I have been getting increasingly tired with these treatments which has reduced my productivity in general life (which is already hampered by the fact that I am out of the house every morning...). All of this conspires to put me into a Type A tizzy since I am struggling to complete even the most basic of tasks (like the laundry, for example). Ugh. Couple that with the itchiness and discomfort and I'm pretty much just crabby. :)

Following the completion of radiation, I will be having follow-up bone and CT scans. Apparently this is not a standard course of action but given that all of my pre-surgery scans are "tainted" by that rib spot, they want "clean" pictures for future comparisons. That will take place on February 25th and then I will return to see Dr. Puhalla on March 2nd for the big "which drug" discussion (Tamoxifen or an aromatase inhibitor) which will also be my second dose of the experimental drug - Zometta. (which, incidentally, has kicked my butt! They warned me of a "little" potential bone pain and I didn't expect too much given the fact that I tolerated Neulasta so well, but wow! It's been a little rough...) I will get it intravenously once a month for 6 months (with my old favorite chemo nurse, Sarah - yay! But a big boo hiss to having to be back in the chemo room!!!! ugh... I came out of there Tuesday with a dull headache and familiar nauseous feeling) and then every 3 months for the next 18. Just a little bit NEVER-ENDING, eh??

Thank you to all of you who "showered" me with cards, facebook posts and some very special gifts. I had a really tremendous birthday weekend (God's gift - 22 inches of snow - was one of the very coolest... ha ha) and felt so loved. It is such a treat for me to be able to spend an entire, lazy day with Darin (and I get to choose all the places we go!). So, a very special thank you to my love for taking the day off work and to Grandma for taking on our three, busy kids.

I believe that God is slowly leading me out of my cave (and maybe now I'm letting Him??). It has been a dark couple of weeks but I know that He has never left my side. My Aunt Jane sent me this awesome reminder in my birthday card this year and its timing was perfect:

"The Creator of the ends of the earth neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable (NIV says, "no one can fathom"). He gives power to the weak and to those who have no might He increases strength" Isaiah 40:28-29 NKJV

I certainly have felt like I have "no might" but how awesome to know that He is increasing my strength. Sarah Young puts it like this in today's devotional: "...On darker days, My Peace stands out in sharp contrast to your circumstances...I am training you to practice Peace that overpowers darkness. Collaborate with Me in this training..." I am thankful that I can collaborate with my Creator in becoming who has planned for me to be before I was ever formed. ("All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:16 As Faye, one of my wonderful radiation therapists who, as it turns out, also attends our church - remember that a couple of thousand people go there so it isn't surprising that we didn't know her before, said today... "none of this took God by surprise".) And I'm even more thankful that all of you have collaborated with Him to keep propelling us forward! You have carried us through the hardest times by keeping us in your prayers, being patient with our lack of communication and staying in touch to let us know how much you care. It means more to us than we can ever express or repay... may God richly bless each and every one of you in ways that are so obviously His that there is no mistaking His power in your own lives! We love you so much.