Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!!

I would love to say that it all went off without a hitch, no one else got sick and so on and so forth. However... it was not to be. Once again, our family succumbed to the dreaded Christmas virus curse. But at least we made it through Christmas morning this time! By that evening, Scott, Athena & Taran were down and out with Dad to follow the next morning and Mom not far behind him on Sunday morning. UGH. We were the only ones from the Gordon Sangrey faction to make it safely to the Sangrey Christmas on Saturday in Warriors Mark, PA. All in all, it was a wonderful Christmas even though it was marred by more vomit.

We made it to Hartwood Acres to drive the 3 1/2 miles of lights (as we went through the 12 days of Christmas display Dryden gazed dreamily out the window and said, "this is like a dream come true"), had a fantastic Christmas eve (thanks for the calzone recommendation Catherine!) with yet another rousing viewing of Chevy Chase's "Christmas Vacation" (there was the Veggie Tales "Saint Nicholas" for the younger viewers) and a joyous Christmas morning (I think that the best line - besides Dryden's jubilant celebration over the free pizza certificate that came with his Battle Ship game and Darin's lap of celebration over receiving Tiger Woods Golf for Wii from the kids - was Parker's when he opened his Galatic Hereos Millennium Falcon. "I have been wanting this my whole life!"). The cream-filled doughnuts were delicious, Grandma was surprised by the family pictures filling the frame that had sat empty in her basement for the past six months (she looked at it quizzically for awhile and started to say, "don't I have a frame just like this?" before it dawned on her that I had absconded hers and filled it up!) and we got to spend some quality time with a lot of family. Even the turkey turned out wonderful and the Brussel sprouts were a hit (with the adults...). Now if only we could figure out what is making everyone throw up every year... we were so close to luring Jord back here too! :)

And then... it's back to reality. My lymphedema appointment revealed that I will now need to be wearing a sleeve ALL the time in addition to connecting myself to a bizarre contraption that will essentially do lymphatic massage once a day for an hour at a time. And this is not for 4-6 weeks until I "heal" up, but for the REST of my life!?!!!! Very discouraging.

I have yet to receive a call back from the radiation oncology people who are supposed to be arranging my second planning appointment this week so that I can begin radiation on Monday, so I'm starting to think that isn't going to happen. I don't know if that means that it will be pushed back a whole week or just begin later next week... I'm thinking that it is probably time for me to give them a call but I actually don't even know who to call since everything has always been arranged for me! ugh. Next up is the follow-up for the "flexitouch" massage machine and then the dermatology appointment to determine what the heck the thing on my shoulder is. Somewhere in there I'm guessing that I'll be starting radiation, but when seems to be anybody's guess right now.

In the meantime... we plan to carry on our tradition of spending New Year's Eve with the Hursts (complete with whole-family sleepover and the banging of pots and pans for the kids), prep some pork & sauerkraut to share with Grandma Hawn on New Year's day and the celebration of Dryden's birthday on Sunday. Hard to believe that our baby is about to be 7 years old!! We're going to do a family game & pizza night (remember that "free pizza" coupon??) and I'll whip up a batch of Ina's Outrageous Brownies (any excuse to use that fabulous gold tone pan that I got from Grandma for Christmas!). We broke the news to the boys yesterday that there will be no parties this year because we are planning a trip to Lancaster sometime in the early spring that will include a visit to the Lego store at King of Prussia. Needless to say, they were elated! :)

Ok, everyone has joined me here at the computer now so I must wrap this up and get the show on the road around here. We pray that you all have enjoyed a fabulous Christmas celebrating the birth of our savior (Parker is still including a thank you to God for the gift of Jesus in all of his premeal prayers...) and enjoying all the festivities that come along with it!

We're going to make it

I have not actually - or even figuratively - jumped off a bridge. I know that I seemed close at last post, but I think that God has coddled me along (that, and all of your prayers, encouragement, calls and commiserating) and I am starting to pull myself together again. Bad stuff happens, you know? Even to people who already have bad stuff happening and I just have to accept that and get over it! Having said that however... we are truly desiring of your continued prayers as my brother Scott and his family will be arriving tomorrow from New Hampshire. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't just a little nervous that there would be a rogue virus molecule lying in wait for them...

Although Parker missed his last day of "Learn to Skate" (before he moves on to the Sidney Crosby Learn to Play Hockey program - Darin somehow managed to get him signed up with that cool program where you pay your "normal" fee for ice time & instruction but Sid the Kid throws in a complete set of Reebok equipment. He is beyond excited... Parker, that is... although I think that Darin might be just as excited...) and Dryden missed his best friend Ellie's birthday party, we did manage to get to the neighborhood progressive dinner (which was sans children, it was more the fact that our babysitter - Audrey - spent all of Friday night doing what our kids were doing on Thursday night... the price that she has paid for her sacrifice of service to us is higher than any single Grandma should!) and are headed to our supper club soiree this afternoon. This is my most favorite holiday party and it was a nail biter right up to the end as to whether or not it would be socially acceptable for us to attend (are we far enough away from the puking? are we 100% sure that everyone is over it and no one else is lying in wait to begin?? do we really want to run the risk of being the reason that some other hapless soul's Christmas is ruined???). But, go we will, social mores be damned!! (actually, I bounced it off of pretty well everyone and they're all pretty comfortable with it... especially in light of the fact that we attended church this morning and plan to send Dryden to school tomorrow)

Speaking of attending church... more wisdom from Rock today (soon you are going to feel like you can just stay home and get the sermon synopsis from me! Or, you could go to acac.net and listen to the entire thing for yourself...). It was a continuation on the "When God rolls up His sleeves" theme and an amazing discussion of how God is neither forgetful or in a hurry. Rock described how our continued impatience that demands instant gratification forfeits our joy. That impatience is grounded in doubt and unbelief. And doubt focuses on destinations rather than journeys while a trusting heart practices patience knowing that a loving God runs on His schedule - for OUR benefit.

"When faith becomes vision you will be able to say, when God rolls up His sleeves, He is right on time!"

thank you Lord!

Discouraged

It has been a LONG day. Dryden and Parker are improving but still have slight fevers, stomach aches and general malaise. They have pretty much just laid on the couch watching movies all day long (thank you Grandma for the new Peanuts Christmas movie!). I spent most of the morning doing laundry and cleaning bathrooms even though it will all need to be done again when I am sure that people are healthy. Then I went to Magee to see Dr. Ahrendt's nurse practitioner (or PA... not sure which she is...), pick up some scripts for repeat scans and talk to a researcher about the latest trial in which I am going to take part. Unfortunately, none of that brightened my day at all. It seems that I do, in fact, have lymphedema - to which Dr. Ahrendt said, "I really worried about that in light of how many lymph nodes we took". Interesting since I don't recall it being portrayed to me like that at all! It was my understanding that there was a very small risk and I was at the very low end of the small risk (being that I don't smoke, am not obese and am pretty active). Regardless, this means that I need to track down a physical therapist who specializes in treating lymphedema (and the NP emphasized to me that it had to be a specialist not just someone who thinks that they know what to do. That should be easy to find... "so, does your specialist just THINK that they know what they are doing or do they ACTUALLY know what they are doing?". Should go over well when I start calling around...), get treatment and instruction on home exercises & massage techniques and get a customized sleeve to help encourage proper lymph drainage. In addition, no one liked the looks of that lesion on my shoulder that still hasn't healed (remember the MRSA scare in October??) so I have to see my dermatologist (sure, no problem... it usually takes 6 months to get an appointment but they have suggested that I just tell them that I am a cancer patient. That oughta do it! I'll keep you posted...) and get it biopsied. "Hopefully" it's not cancer. VERY encouraging!! Not to mention the added copays and time drain of all of this craziness. Top it all off with waiting for the research chick for over half an hour (I think that I forgot to mention that Audrey called during my first appointment to let me know that Parker had woken from a nap crying that his ear hurt, afterwhich my phone promptly died and I noticed that one of my favorite shoes was missing the plastic heel support... did I mention that it has NOT been a good day??) so that she could not really answer any of my questions and try to refer me to a financial counselor to discuss whether or not my insurance would recognize the study's needs (bloodwork, etc.) as necessary for treating my disease. By the time that I left there my bitterness, discouragement and despair over yet another Christmas season lost to vomiting and illness (before you think that I am exaggerating our plight, recognize that we are going on 7 Christmases in a row of such disruption. It used to be my favorite time of the year but it is fast becoming something that I dread due to the incredible disappointment that it brings...) was compounded with the fact that instead of emerging from cancer craziness, I am just sinking further and further into its mire. I can't find the sunny side of the street, I'm over just putting on a happy face and I usually just find myself crying out the Lord for mercy. I try very hard to remind myself that there are worse circumstances and greater evils that people (some of which I know and love!) are enduring every day, but somehow, this time, I can't seem to pull myself back from the brink of despair. The one thing that I have asked for this Christmas is health (and not even for myself...) but it's looking like even that is out of reach.

I heard from a very dear friend today, who while completely sympathetic to my sad plight, offered insight into what I know to be true even though I can't quite grasp it... she said,

"Remember…while sickness can take away the quiet family time sitting by the fire sipping cocoa, it cannot take away the real reason we celebrate."

so, I guess what I ask tonight then is rather than praying that it will all just go away, pray that I can remember the real reason we celebrate...

Special request

For prayers. Please pray for our family right now. We have spent MANY, MANY a sick Christmas and after just coming off of an entire night of vomiting with Dryden & Parker (and I'm not exaggerating either. I stayed up until 3:30am and then Darin got up and took over until 7:30 when he got in the shower to go to work.), I'm not sure that I can do it again. So far Darin & I have only had the other GI symptoms (aside from vomiting) and we're hopeful that Neely's troubles earlier in the week were her portion, but we only have 3 days until Scott & his family arrive. I cannot bear the thought of them traveling 11 hours each way only to arrive here and pick up some ridiculous stomach bug (which is what happened to everyone, traveling from all over the place, on both sides of our family last year!). Please just pray that this will be the end of it for us and that we will be able to clean everything well enough to prevent anyone else that will be in our home from picking it up. I know that we don't deserve any special pass through the holidays but it would just be so nice if we could have some happy and healthy time with family from farawy. It feels a little selfish to be asking for that kind of protection but we are kind of at the end of our rope with Christmases like this. And, after the year that we have had... we were so looking forward to it! Thank you so much!

So...

I wish that I could say that I have just been busy with fun Christmas preparations (and, truthfully, for the most part I have been...), but that would be deceitful. While I have been baking, planning and shopping to my drippy nose's content (seriously... could the nose hairs PLEASE be the first ones to come back??? I can't tell you how frustrating it is to have your nose LITERALLY dripping out every time that you bend over or tilt your head.), I have also developed the beginnings of lymphedema (ugly, permanent swelling in my right arm due to the lymph node dissection done at surgery), for which I am headed back down to Magee on Friday to see my surgeon AND Neely spent most of last night throwing up. FUN. I really believed that this would be the Christmas that God spared us some form of the stomach flu, but I can see now that vomiting is no respecter of persons. I have to be honest and say that I'm a little ticked off. Where does it all end?????


Now I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for the rest to start in and part of me just wants to get it all over with today. Because, in addition to the super fun lymphedema appointment, I am also meeting with the bisphosphanate study people (that is for "Boniva" - as plugged by Sally Field all over t.v. - type drugs that are known to combat the effects of osteoporosis - which is side effect of chemotherapy not to mention being forced into menopause at 36 - and they may also decrease the likelihood of breast cancer recurrence, which is what they are studying) on Friday afternoon and I go for a "planning" CT for my radiation on Thursday afternoon. Merry Christmas! Can't think of a nicer way to spend the holidays... ok, enough bitterness. As happy as I am to be finished with chemotherapy, I am struggling to deal with the fact that I am not really "finished" with anything! Right now it just seems like the bad luck and continuous treatments, drugs and scans go on and on and on... Wait, did I fail to mention that the valet at Darin's company Christmas party last Friday night lost our car keys? You know, we had to really get ourselves geared up to even go (we had kind of hit a wall emotionally and physically and were toying with the idea of just skipping it altogether... that might also explain why the interior of my house STILL isn't decorated when it is usually complete by the Monday after Thanksgiving...) and then when we came out all cheered up and ready to spend an evening together alone (it is a early party - 5-8 - and Grandma had all three kiddos for an overnight!), we find out that there are no keys for our car and they "think" that they may have been dropped into someone's car who had already left. NICE. God has a special place in heaven for our very dear friends that Haynes (in case you didn't make the connection - that is Brandon & Shawna) as they came out about 20 minutes after us (Darin and the poor little valet dudes had been searching all over for our keys during this time) and so graciously offered to drive us home AND back (the 30 minutes each way) to get our spare keys. (making a long story longer... Darin's car was at the office and the spare keys to that car were locked in the truck along with all three car seats which we would need in the morning to take Dryden to hockey practice... UUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!). Shawna's reaction to the whole incident pretty much sums up my general demeanor over the past week or so... "What?? They LOST your keys?!? Does NOTHING go right for you people????!!?!??" My thoughts exactly...

So after the giant pity party that I have been hosting for myself died down (I think... the vomiting kind of dredged it all back up again...), I took my trusty little devotional book - knowing that it would have something very pointed to say about my attitude - and saw the words for today which discuss our longing for heaven. At first I wasn't sure what the point was for me, but then it hit me. "In this world you will have trouble..." This isn't heaven!!! Why do I think that I deserve a "break" just because I've experienced some trouble. There isn't a heavenly balance system that affords you relief from everyday troubles just because you've already had some other stuff going on. (which is a shame, really...) I think that it's a maturity issue and one that I should be working on. Besides, the rest of that verse (John 16:33) goes on to say: "But take heart! I have overcome the world". Praise the Lord for that!

At the end of Pastor Rock's sermon on Sunday (yes, we drove through the icy streets to church... Neely was one of 3 kids in the nursery when I dropped her off and Dryden & Parker were watching a movie in the Jr. Worship room with about 10 other kids... which, for some churches is a good turnout, but ours normally sees 1000 - yes, thousand - kids a week) he said something that really hit home for me and truly applies to all of my circumstances.

"If we had the power of God there are many things that we would change but if we had the wisdom of God, we wouldn't change a thing!"

And then there was more...

...appointments! Today we are off to see another radiation oncologist. This one is at Passavant where I will actually be having my treatments. It is so nice to be able to cut the distance in half and to eliminate the parking expense. But I'm really having a hard time drumming up any enthusiasm about another round of anything! I know that I should be reviewing my notes from my last radiation oncology appointment and doing a little research about whatever other questions I should be asking... but all that I really feel like doing is decorating my home for the holidays and baking cookies! :) I'll be sorry later that I wasn't better prepared, but right now... I'm not. ha ha.

So, it has been a slow recovery from chemo again this time around. My taste buds are still being incredibly resistant to eating anything that resembles real food and my stomach is mounting a serious objection to being near-empty all the time. I did have some fantastic sauteed eggplant from my staple joint - Jimmy Wan's (apparently they have removed the "Tai Pei" portion from the name??). I know that it sounds ridiculous but that is what I felt like I wanted and I had it on two straight days. I don't know how to explain what happens to your taste or your tongue or whatever, but it is really brutal. I've also had incredible troubles sleeping over the past... month... The night sweats and hot flashes persist unmercilessly and I'm laying awake feeling annoyed, a LOT. oh well. The chemo is over and I am just longing to feel normal, taste normally and live normally! As much as I have appreciated the unbelievable outpouring of support and care, I do look forward to the day when I am taking care of all of my own issues again (but maybe Audrey could stay long term... :) it is SOOO fun having a Grandma around all the time!!!).

This week I am starting to lift my ban on all public places (viruses be damned! no, seriously, be damned... straight to hell, all of you!) because I can hardly stand to stay home anymore and because it is one of my favorite times of the year and I have lots to do! (there actually is a limit on how much internet shopping one can do) I think that I am going to need a lot of extra prayers to stay healthy for the actual holiday (and goodness knows that pre-cancer we had our share of unbelievable sick holiday stories... maybe that should be my second book, a memoir about awful vomiting holidays...). I even made it to church on Sunday with my goal being to be there every Sunday this month. We'll see! It was so great to be out and to be in God's house again. I was planning to be very strict about hugging people and then the first person that I saw was Shawna. Forget it... I think that we were both in tears. Why is that?? I have so hated being "your friend with cancer" and I so miss just being a daughter, friend, wife, mother, etc. I feel so disconnected from everyone else's lives (and quite a bit from my own, for that matter). The words, "I just wish that things were different" came out of my mouth to Darin last night and before I knew it I was dissolved in tears. I don't think that I realized how much that sums up exactly what I feel inside until I said it. And then I felt so guilty because obviously this is what God has for me so how dare that I wish that things were different? In fact, if things were different and NOT of God's will, they'd probably be worse, right?? Oh, I pray for that "yet not my will, but Yours be done" attitude.