Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!!

I would love to say that it all went off without a hitch, no one else got sick and so on and so forth. However... it was not to be. Once again, our family succumbed to the dreaded Christmas virus curse. But at least we made it through Christmas morning this time! By that evening, Scott, Athena & Taran were down and out with Dad to follow the next morning and Mom not far behind him on Sunday morning. UGH. We were the only ones from the Gordon Sangrey faction to make it safely to the Sangrey Christmas on Saturday in Warriors Mark, PA. All in all, it was a wonderful Christmas even though it was marred by more vomit.

We made it to Hartwood Acres to drive the 3 1/2 miles of lights (as we went through the 12 days of Christmas display Dryden gazed dreamily out the window and said, "this is like a dream come true"), had a fantastic Christmas eve (thanks for the calzone recommendation Catherine!) with yet another rousing viewing of Chevy Chase's "Christmas Vacation" (there was the Veggie Tales "Saint Nicholas" for the younger viewers) and a joyous Christmas morning (I think that the best line - besides Dryden's jubilant celebration over the free pizza certificate that came with his Battle Ship game and Darin's lap of celebration over receiving Tiger Woods Golf for Wii from the kids - was Parker's when he opened his Galatic Hereos Millennium Falcon. "I have been wanting this my whole life!"). The cream-filled doughnuts were delicious, Grandma was surprised by the family pictures filling the frame that had sat empty in her basement for the past six months (she looked at it quizzically for awhile and started to say, "don't I have a frame just like this?" before it dawned on her that I had absconded hers and filled it up!) and we got to spend some quality time with a lot of family. Even the turkey turned out wonderful and the Brussel sprouts were a hit (with the adults...). Now if only we could figure out what is making everyone throw up every year... we were so close to luring Jord back here too! :)

And then... it's back to reality. My lymphedema appointment revealed that I will now need to be wearing a sleeve ALL the time in addition to connecting myself to a bizarre contraption that will essentially do lymphatic massage once a day for an hour at a time. And this is not for 4-6 weeks until I "heal" up, but for the REST of my life!?!!!! Very discouraging.

I have yet to receive a call back from the radiation oncology people who are supposed to be arranging my second planning appointment this week so that I can begin radiation on Monday, so I'm starting to think that isn't going to happen. I don't know if that means that it will be pushed back a whole week or just begin later next week... I'm thinking that it is probably time for me to give them a call but I actually don't even know who to call since everything has always been arranged for me! ugh. Next up is the follow-up for the "flexitouch" massage machine and then the dermatology appointment to determine what the heck the thing on my shoulder is. Somewhere in there I'm guessing that I'll be starting radiation, but when seems to be anybody's guess right now.

In the meantime... we plan to carry on our tradition of spending New Year's Eve with the Hursts (complete with whole-family sleepover and the banging of pots and pans for the kids), prep some pork & sauerkraut to share with Grandma Hawn on New Year's day and the celebration of Dryden's birthday on Sunday. Hard to believe that our baby is about to be 7 years old!! We're going to do a family game & pizza night (remember that "free pizza" coupon??) and I'll whip up a batch of Ina's Outrageous Brownies (any excuse to use that fabulous gold tone pan that I got from Grandma for Christmas!). We broke the news to the boys yesterday that there will be no parties this year because we are planning a trip to Lancaster sometime in the early spring that will include a visit to the Lego store at King of Prussia. Needless to say, they were elated! :)

Ok, everyone has joined me here at the computer now so I must wrap this up and get the show on the road around here. We pray that you all have enjoyed a fabulous Christmas celebrating the birth of our savior (Parker is still including a thank you to God for the gift of Jesus in all of his premeal prayers...) and enjoying all the festivities that come along with it!

We're going to make it

I have not actually - or even figuratively - jumped off a bridge. I know that I seemed close at last post, but I think that God has coddled me along (that, and all of your prayers, encouragement, calls and commiserating) and I am starting to pull myself together again. Bad stuff happens, you know? Even to people who already have bad stuff happening and I just have to accept that and get over it! Having said that however... we are truly desiring of your continued prayers as my brother Scott and his family will be arriving tomorrow from New Hampshire. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't just a little nervous that there would be a rogue virus molecule lying in wait for them...

Although Parker missed his last day of "Learn to Skate" (before he moves on to the Sidney Crosby Learn to Play Hockey program - Darin somehow managed to get him signed up with that cool program where you pay your "normal" fee for ice time & instruction but Sid the Kid throws in a complete set of Reebok equipment. He is beyond excited... Parker, that is... although I think that Darin might be just as excited...) and Dryden missed his best friend Ellie's birthday party, we did manage to get to the neighborhood progressive dinner (which was sans children, it was more the fact that our babysitter - Audrey - spent all of Friday night doing what our kids were doing on Thursday night... the price that she has paid for her sacrifice of service to us is higher than any single Grandma should!) and are headed to our supper club soiree this afternoon. This is my most favorite holiday party and it was a nail biter right up to the end as to whether or not it would be socially acceptable for us to attend (are we far enough away from the puking? are we 100% sure that everyone is over it and no one else is lying in wait to begin?? do we really want to run the risk of being the reason that some other hapless soul's Christmas is ruined???). But, go we will, social mores be damned!! (actually, I bounced it off of pretty well everyone and they're all pretty comfortable with it... especially in light of the fact that we attended church this morning and plan to send Dryden to school tomorrow)

Speaking of attending church... more wisdom from Rock today (soon you are going to feel like you can just stay home and get the sermon synopsis from me! Or, you could go to acac.net and listen to the entire thing for yourself...). It was a continuation on the "When God rolls up His sleeves" theme and an amazing discussion of how God is neither forgetful or in a hurry. Rock described how our continued impatience that demands instant gratification forfeits our joy. That impatience is grounded in doubt and unbelief. And doubt focuses on destinations rather than journeys while a trusting heart practices patience knowing that a loving God runs on His schedule - for OUR benefit.

"When faith becomes vision you will be able to say, when God rolls up His sleeves, He is right on time!"

thank you Lord!

Discouraged

It has been a LONG day. Dryden and Parker are improving but still have slight fevers, stomach aches and general malaise. They have pretty much just laid on the couch watching movies all day long (thank you Grandma for the new Peanuts Christmas movie!). I spent most of the morning doing laundry and cleaning bathrooms even though it will all need to be done again when I am sure that people are healthy. Then I went to Magee to see Dr. Ahrendt's nurse practitioner (or PA... not sure which she is...), pick up some scripts for repeat scans and talk to a researcher about the latest trial in which I am going to take part. Unfortunately, none of that brightened my day at all. It seems that I do, in fact, have lymphedema - to which Dr. Ahrendt said, "I really worried about that in light of how many lymph nodes we took". Interesting since I don't recall it being portrayed to me like that at all! It was my understanding that there was a very small risk and I was at the very low end of the small risk (being that I don't smoke, am not obese and am pretty active). Regardless, this means that I need to track down a physical therapist who specializes in treating lymphedema (and the NP emphasized to me that it had to be a specialist not just someone who thinks that they know what to do. That should be easy to find... "so, does your specialist just THINK that they know what they are doing or do they ACTUALLY know what they are doing?". Should go over well when I start calling around...), get treatment and instruction on home exercises & massage techniques and get a customized sleeve to help encourage proper lymph drainage. In addition, no one liked the looks of that lesion on my shoulder that still hasn't healed (remember the MRSA scare in October??) so I have to see my dermatologist (sure, no problem... it usually takes 6 months to get an appointment but they have suggested that I just tell them that I am a cancer patient. That oughta do it! I'll keep you posted...) and get it biopsied. "Hopefully" it's not cancer. VERY encouraging!! Not to mention the added copays and time drain of all of this craziness. Top it all off with waiting for the research chick for over half an hour (I think that I forgot to mention that Audrey called during my first appointment to let me know that Parker had woken from a nap crying that his ear hurt, afterwhich my phone promptly died and I noticed that one of my favorite shoes was missing the plastic heel support... did I mention that it has NOT been a good day??) so that she could not really answer any of my questions and try to refer me to a financial counselor to discuss whether or not my insurance would recognize the study's needs (bloodwork, etc.) as necessary for treating my disease. By the time that I left there my bitterness, discouragement and despair over yet another Christmas season lost to vomiting and illness (before you think that I am exaggerating our plight, recognize that we are going on 7 Christmases in a row of such disruption. It used to be my favorite time of the year but it is fast becoming something that I dread due to the incredible disappointment that it brings...) was compounded with the fact that instead of emerging from cancer craziness, I am just sinking further and further into its mire. I can't find the sunny side of the street, I'm over just putting on a happy face and I usually just find myself crying out the Lord for mercy. I try very hard to remind myself that there are worse circumstances and greater evils that people (some of which I know and love!) are enduring every day, but somehow, this time, I can't seem to pull myself back from the brink of despair. The one thing that I have asked for this Christmas is health (and not even for myself...) but it's looking like even that is out of reach.

I heard from a very dear friend today, who while completely sympathetic to my sad plight, offered insight into what I know to be true even though I can't quite grasp it... she said,

"Remember…while sickness can take away the quiet family time sitting by the fire sipping cocoa, it cannot take away the real reason we celebrate."

so, I guess what I ask tonight then is rather than praying that it will all just go away, pray that I can remember the real reason we celebrate...

Special request

For prayers. Please pray for our family right now. We have spent MANY, MANY a sick Christmas and after just coming off of an entire night of vomiting with Dryden & Parker (and I'm not exaggerating either. I stayed up until 3:30am and then Darin got up and took over until 7:30 when he got in the shower to go to work.), I'm not sure that I can do it again. So far Darin & I have only had the other GI symptoms (aside from vomiting) and we're hopeful that Neely's troubles earlier in the week were her portion, but we only have 3 days until Scott & his family arrive. I cannot bear the thought of them traveling 11 hours each way only to arrive here and pick up some ridiculous stomach bug (which is what happened to everyone, traveling from all over the place, on both sides of our family last year!). Please just pray that this will be the end of it for us and that we will be able to clean everything well enough to prevent anyone else that will be in our home from picking it up. I know that we don't deserve any special pass through the holidays but it would just be so nice if we could have some happy and healthy time with family from farawy. It feels a little selfish to be asking for that kind of protection but we are kind of at the end of our rope with Christmases like this. And, after the year that we have had... we were so looking forward to it! Thank you so much!

So...

I wish that I could say that I have just been busy with fun Christmas preparations (and, truthfully, for the most part I have been...), but that would be deceitful. While I have been baking, planning and shopping to my drippy nose's content (seriously... could the nose hairs PLEASE be the first ones to come back??? I can't tell you how frustrating it is to have your nose LITERALLY dripping out every time that you bend over or tilt your head.), I have also developed the beginnings of lymphedema (ugly, permanent swelling in my right arm due to the lymph node dissection done at surgery), for which I am headed back down to Magee on Friday to see my surgeon AND Neely spent most of last night throwing up. FUN. I really believed that this would be the Christmas that God spared us some form of the stomach flu, but I can see now that vomiting is no respecter of persons. I have to be honest and say that I'm a little ticked off. Where does it all end?????


Now I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for the rest to start in and part of me just wants to get it all over with today. Because, in addition to the super fun lymphedema appointment, I am also meeting with the bisphosphanate study people (that is for "Boniva" - as plugged by Sally Field all over t.v. - type drugs that are known to combat the effects of osteoporosis - which is side effect of chemotherapy not to mention being forced into menopause at 36 - and they may also decrease the likelihood of breast cancer recurrence, which is what they are studying) on Friday afternoon and I go for a "planning" CT for my radiation on Thursday afternoon. Merry Christmas! Can't think of a nicer way to spend the holidays... ok, enough bitterness. As happy as I am to be finished with chemotherapy, I am struggling to deal with the fact that I am not really "finished" with anything! Right now it just seems like the bad luck and continuous treatments, drugs and scans go on and on and on... Wait, did I fail to mention that the valet at Darin's company Christmas party last Friday night lost our car keys? You know, we had to really get ourselves geared up to even go (we had kind of hit a wall emotionally and physically and were toying with the idea of just skipping it altogether... that might also explain why the interior of my house STILL isn't decorated when it is usually complete by the Monday after Thanksgiving...) and then when we came out all cheered up and ready to spend an evening together alone (it is a early party - 5-8 - and Grandma had all three kiddos for an overnight!), we find out that there are no keys for our car and they "think" that they may have been dropped into someone's car who had already left. NICE. God has a special place in heaven for our very dear friends that Haynes (in case you didn't make the connection - that is Brandon & Shawna) as they came out about 20 minutes after us (Darin and the poor little valet dudes had been searching all over for our keys during this time) and so graciously offered to drive us home AND back (the 30 minutes each way) to get our spare keys. (making a long story longer... Darin's car was at the office and the spare keys to that car were locked in the truck along with all three car seats which we would need in the morning to take Dryden to hockey practice... UUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!). Shawna's reaction to the whole incident pretty much sums up my general demeanor over the past week or so... "What?? They LOST your keys?!? Does NOTHING go right for you people????!!?!??" My thoughts exactly...

So after the giant pity party that I have been hosting for myself died down (I think... the vomiting kind of dredged it all back up again...), I took my trusty little devotional book - knowing that it would have something very pointed to say about my attitude - and saw the words for today which discuss our longing for heaven. At first I wasn't sure what the point was for me, but then it hit me. "In this world you will have trouble..." This isn't heaven!!! Why do I think that I deserve a "break" just because I've experienced some trouble. There isn't a heavenly balance system that affords you relief from everyday troubles just because you've already had some other stuff going on. (which is a shame, really...) I think that it's a maturity issue and one that I should be working on. Besides, the rest of that verse (John 16:33) goes on to say: "But take heart! I have overcome the world". Praise the Lord for that!

At the end of Pastor Rock's sermon on Sunday (yes, we drove through the icy streets to church... Neely was one of 3 kids in the nursery when I dropped her off and Dryden & Parker were watching a movie in the Jr. Worship room with about 10 other kids... which, for some churches is a good turnout, but ours normally sees 1000 - yes, thousand - kids a week) he said something that really hit home for me and truly applies to all of my circumstances.

"If we had the power of God there are many things that we would change but if we had the wisdom of God, we wouldn't change a thing!"

And then there was more...

...appointments! Today we are off to see another radiation oncologist. This one is at Passavant where I will actually be having my treatments. It is so nice to be able to cut the distance in half and to eliminate the parking expense. But I'm really having a hard time drumming up any enthusiasm about another round of anything! I know that I should be reviewing my notes from my last radiation oncology appointment and doing a little research about whatever other questions I should be asking... but all that I really feel like doing is decorating my home for the holidays and baking cookies! :) I'll be sorry later that I wasn't better prepared, but right now... I'm not. ha ha.

So, it has been a slow recovery from chemo again this time around. My taste buds are still being incredibly resistant to eating anything that resembles real food and my stomach is mounting a serious objection to being near-empty all the time. I did have some fantastic sauteed eggplant from my staple joint - Jimmy Wan's (apparently they have removed the "Tai Pei" portion from the name??). I know that it sounds ridiculous but that is what I felt like I wanted and I had it on two straight days. I don't know how to explain what happens to your taste or your tongue or whatever, but it is really brutal. I've also had incredible troubles sleeping over the past... month... The night sweats and hot flashes persist unmercilessly and I'm laying awake feeling annoyed, a LOT. oh well. The chemo is over and I am just longing to feel normal, taste normally and live normally! As much as I have appreciated the unbelievable outpouring of support and care, I do look forward to the day when I am taking care of all of my own issues again (but maybe Audrey could stay long term... :) it is SOOO fun having a Grandma around all the time!!!).

This week I am starting to lift my ban on all public places (viruses be damned! no, seriously, be damned... straight to hell, all of you!) because I can hardly stand to stay home anymore and because it is one of my favorite times of the year and I have lots to do! (there actually is a limit on how much internet shopping one can do) I think that I am going to need a lot of extra prayers to stay healthy for the actual holiday (and goodness knows that pre-cancer we had our share of unbelievable sick holiday stories... maybe that should be my second book, a memoir about awful vomiting holidays...). I even made it to church on Sunday with my goal being to be there every Sunday this month. We'll see! It was so great to be out and to be in God's house again. I was planning to be very strict about hugging people and then the first person that I saw was Shawna. Forget it... I think that we were both in tears. Why is that?? I have so hated being "your friend with cancer" and I so miss just being a daughter, friend, wife, mother, etc. I feel so disconnected from everyone else's lives (and quite a bit from my own, for that matter). The words, "I just wish that things were different" came out of my mouth to Darin last night and before I knew it I was dissolved in tears. I don't think that I realized how much that sums up exactly what I feel inside until I said it. And then I felt so guilty because obviously this is what God has for me so how dare that I wish that things were different? In fact, if things were different and NOT of God's will, they'd probably be worse, right?? Oh, I pray for that "yet not my will, but Yours be done" attitude.

It ENDS!!!!

So, for those of you who haven't been counting (and you know who you are... ha ha)... tomorrow marks my final trip to chemotherapy. HOORAY!!! I am still dreading the week of misery that follows, but it's hard to put into words the relief that I feel knowing that I am finished with this phase of my treatment. Sometimes it is difficult to believe that it has "only" been four months... it feels like a year! I can say, without reservation, that I have gained a whole new understanding of empathy. I am finding that there are so many around me who are dealing with tragic situations of their own and it has been so good for me to spend a lot of my free mental time praying for and thinking about each of you. I praise the Lord - continually - for the perspective afforded me through cancer and struggle. I think that too often in the past I had a moment of, "oh, that's too bad" and then moved right along with my own life. It is much easier for me to now put myself in someone else's shoes and to imagine the moment-by-moment struggle that they are engaged in.

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday with soooo much to be thankful for! Grandpa & Grandma Hawn joined us for a fantastic feast (and I have eaten more than I ever needed to over the past week and a half... which, I'm not sure if I'm thankful for or not... ha ha Just another lesson in, "be careful what you wish for"!) and lots of Wii, shopping and visiting. Everyone stayed relatively healthy (the kids and I have been battling colds for several weeks now, but it is nothing that we can't handle) and all the food turned out wonderful! (it was a good practice run for Christmas, Scott)

I think that we are starting to really feel the stress build-up of about 7 months of 24 hours a day cancer. It comes out in all of our relationships even though we like to think that we are dealing with it well (me, especially!). Please keep this in your prayers as we embark on a new phase of the journey. I'm thinking that I will start radiation in early January and that will be 5 days a week for 6 1/2 weeks. yikes... Fortunately, it sounds like the treatment time itself will be brief, but envisioning the daily disruption of the overall package is ugly for me. It's hard enough to get everyone where they belong (and I'm acting like I actually do that when right now it is Grandma, Tara and Jennifer who are pretty well shuttling my kids all over Butler County... THANK YOU ladies!!!) without trying to fit in a run to Passavant every day. Which... by the way, is also something to be thankful for. At least I don't have to be running to Magee every day (that is 20 minutes away with free parking a couple of townships over vs. running downtown and paying for parking every day - for you non-locals). So... there is a sunny side to everything I suppose.

Overall, we are mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically beaten down. It seems that "survival mode" only gets you so far before the wheels start to fall off... I'm tired of walking this path and goodness knows that Darin and our families are exhausted. I'm hopeful that I will recover quickly from this round and that the next month will be a respite for all of us from what we have been through. Unfortunately there is no true vacation from cancer, especially with more treatment on the horizon, but even a little bit of extended normalcy would go a long way in helping us to reestablish regular routines and communications. Sometimes it is so hard for me to see beyond what I am dealing with and in that my worst fears are realized... I become very self-focused. I don't want to be that way at all... in fact, the less I focus on myself the better! However, sometimes the "constantness" of it all (severe hot flashes, random pains - side effects of the Nulasta??, ugliness - baldness, patchy eyelashes, swollen, rheumy eyes, surgical scars, etc. etc., stomach upset, tongue crap, and on and on and on) just overwhelms me to the point that it takes all of my concentration just to function in a normal way. I hate what this whole experience has done to me and I'm thankful at the same time. Weird, eh? If you can't tell, we continue to need your prayers and are so grateful for the fact that you have never let up on us. One more to go... I can't wait until it is over!

#42 in my "1001 things to be thankful for" book (thank Em!):

that the words "i love you" never get old

Just rolling along...

It has been a pretty normal week... HOORAY!! I am feeling like I am perhaps coming down with a cold, (drainage, tickle in my throat and the dreaded constant nose dripping. And by that I really mean - dripping. I bend forward and it just drips out... attractive... and sanitary) but I'm trying to ignore it and hope that it will feel unloved and go away. Parker has had a MUCH better week (he is dressed as an Indian for his school Thanksgiving program... the picture isn't very good because Dryden fell over me trying to give him a high five as he went down the aisle...), thank you all for your prayers for him! I am also (after 5 cycles, I'm nothing if not observant!) noticing that his worst weeks seem to coincide with chemotherapy (shocker...). Poor little guy... I am his world and his world is kind of tipped on its side right now. I pray that he will only retain the good - reliance on the Lord, joy in the face of suffering and compassion for those that are hurting - from this rough period. But... he went to school every day with a smile on his face and even - finally - consented to wearing the Indian get-up ("I do not want to be "hopping rabbit" the silly guy!"). Dryden got an AWESOME report card (including a 100% in math... so, the personality is me, but the brain is his father's...) and a 5/5 on his last AR reading test! We are encouraged with his progress and are feeling that most of his issues are related to rushing through things without taking the time to read everything. Ok, college is back on the table. HA HA! I'm just kidding, but my neurotic tendencies are a little bit exacerbated by my current circumstances (mainly because I'm too young, too healthy and don't have any risk factors and yet... here I am. All statistical abnormalities are fair game now.).

I'm sitting here today - alone because Darin is off work and took Parker & Neely to skating meeting up with his mom, brother & brother's girlfriend - listening to my girl Brooke Annibale (a local girl who has an amazing bluesy sound) and this is the line from her song "Cry Out" that is grabbing me...

"I cry out and lift up my voice, I seek You as I once did seek the world. Save me from the empty of evil so I may walk in the path of goodness."

I could concentrate all day on "I seek You as I once did seek the world"... wow. Do I really do that?? It certainly takes practice and supernatural assistance! I think that it ties in really well with a devotional that Janelle sent...

"We gladly give all our yesterdays to the Lord, turning over to him our past sins. We trust him for forgiveness of all our past failures, doubts and fears. So, why don’t we do the same with our tomorrows? The truth is, most of us cling tightly to our future, wanting the right to hold on to our dreams. We make our plans independent of God, and then later ask him to bless and fulfill those hopes and desires."

I'm over the right to my own dreams and I don't have a future to cling to (who wants to go down with a sinking ship??)... so now I cling to the Lord and hopefully... I seek Him like I once did seek the world and it's emptiness.

Well... I'm going to break the exile for a few hours this afternoon and head out to show Jordan & Kirstin the "town" before we come home for Audrey's guacamole (thanks to a SECOND thrush medicine I am finally tasting a bit better now) and some meatball sandwiches (makes you want to come back to Pittsburgh, doesn't it Grantie??). I promise to take some food pics for you Auntie Jan. We have more hockey tomorrow morning with Dryden (I'm sure that this is a just a glimpse of what we have in store for ourselves... especially since every time we are at the rink Neely says, "I want to skate!"), maybe a Primantis sandwich and some basement hockey (Parker is determined to smoke Unlce Jord with his vicious slap shot...). Should be a fun weekend!

Emerging from the "fog"

"Do not let any set of circumstances intimidate you. The more challenging your day, the more of My Power I place at your disposal."

Those are the words that I awoke to in my devotional the day after Chemo #5. Wow... what an awesome reminder for a set of circumstances that, I'm not afraid to tell you, REALLY intimidate me. Every time I wonder if I can do it even one more time. The pervasive feeling of awfulness is almost more than I can describe or explain. And it seems like it never ends! There were a lot of days last week of barely getting out of bed, barely taking a few minutes to see the kids, explain their needs to Grandma and then back to my vegetative state. Many more cuisine magazines bit the dust with countless more recipes filed than Julia Child could ever master. (but hey, it's something to work towards! And here's to hoping that I get to live long enough to try them ALL. Shawna is really marveling right now because she has seen my collection of binders... and cookbooks.... and recipe boxes - yes, I have more than one...) I've mulled over our Thanksgiving menu, our Christmas plans, what we will eat when Unlce Jord is here this week and everything in between. Sadly, A LOT of it centers around food... probably because it is so difficult to find anything that is palatable and by now I AM HUNGRY!!! I did end up back at Tai Pei (thanks to you, Sara & Jim!!! You rock!!!!!) but this time it was the spicy beef noodle soup (I know, I know, it sounds ridiculous but beef really hit the spot...) that saved me just a little bit from a maddening land of hard boiled eggs and oatmeal.

I am definitely feeling like it drags me under harder and faster and that it takes longer to recover but I am beyond elated in knowing that there is only one treatment remaining. It finally feels to me like I am reaching the end of a very, long, dark tunnel and I can see just a tiny bit of light (because, the truth is, I still have to do all of this ONE more time... it is THAT bad). We continue to be so grateful for your prayers, cards, calls, emails, meals and countless mood-boosting gifts. It is so amazing to be so continually remembered. This has seemed like forever to me (and even moreso now that I am pretty well home bound for fear of picking up any new viruses that may somehow delay anything or otherwise just bring me down!), but none of you have left us here to suffer alone. Praise the Lord for all of you. I hate being needy, I hate being weak and I hate feeling "sickly" but it is a wonderful lesson about how the body of Christ rallies around you when you are completely tapped out of your own strength. And isn't that right where God wants us to be anyhow?? (hopefully now I've got the message and I won't need any further such literal training...) Our strength is futile in the battle for our souls but God's strength (and that of His people whom He empowers) is more than we'll ever need. The most beautiful part?? All that we need to do in order to have access to this limitless bounty... is to ask. (and then praise Him for His faithfulness in supplying all of our needs!!!) I am grateful.

Don't be confused by my heavenly gratitude and thankfulness for the lessons of cancer, weakness and suffering. I'm human and I hate this condition, however, I am grateful to know the Lord and to have been intimately introduced to the power that He supplies in weakness. The blessings that He supplies in need (and beyond!), the love that He gives when we are sad and lonely and the every day infusion of JOY amidst suffering. No matter what happens in my life, I am grateful, I am blessed and I have a joy that I never understood before arriving here.

So... it's another Monday. We are knee deep into our laundry (I say "our" because it belongs to all of us but it almost sounds as if Neely & Parker are helping me... not quite...) and pondering sending Grandma on a Costco run, thinking about ordering the annual Christmas card and still stressing out over NATA CEUs (is there no exemption for the cancer-stricken??? where is the justice...). It was a peaceful weekend with Darin accomplishing countless household projects while I finally started to putter about fixing a few meals (we had some wonderful previously frozen minestrone, thanks Kim!) and generally interacting with the family again. We are looking forward to a visit from Uncle Jord this week. Travel safely and here's to a HEALTHY visit!! (ha ha, if you know us at all you know that we as a collective family have suffered through some seriously ill - all cancer aside, we're talking stomach flus, colds, etc. etc. - holidays & visits... here's to one that, although amidst an actual serious illness, is minor irritation free!)

Quick update...

Hello all! I'm sorry that it has been so long since I posted but in the meantime we were desperately trying to live normal lives and despite my quarantine at home, I have managed to not have a moment's free time! What is up with that??

Today it is back under the needle for more drugs and more time stretched out in bed wondering if there is anything that I can eat that won't make me want to hurl. I took a gift card from my crazy brother & sister-in-law and stocked up on more magazines (yes, mainly food ones... I guess that I just enjoy the torture!) to get me through the long days of not feeling like doing... anything.

I know that my high school girlfriends and local family are getting together in Lancaster tonight to pray (as they do around each chemo session) and those prayers mean sooooo much to all of us. (each of your prayers do! I know that sometimes it feels simplistic or unrealistic to "just pray" but I'm here to tell you that your prayers make a vast difference in our lives each day.) Thank you, thank you, thank you girls!!! Right now, could you pray for a tap on my sink that dispenses hot and sour soup?? ha ha...

If you are at home and wondering, "how exactly can I be praying?"... let me help you out. Parker... oh Parker. More struggling with school (crying, not wanting to go, etc. etc.), more behavioral issues at home (crying & screaming about petty little things, falling to pieces because he got clothes from some of Grandma's travels, etc. etc.), and just struggling along a little in general. In many ways it is very endearing, not many hours go by between him pausing whatever he is doing to say, "I just love you, Mommy" and in many others it is infuriating. Please pray for him and for our handling of the situations that arise! And then there is Dryden... overall, Dryden is doing great. However, he is having some difficulty with reading. This is an issue that I never envisioned given his love of books and really, his love of school. However, it is keeping me awake at night and I am feeling like I am not available to help him as much as I think that he needs. Please just keep that whole issue before the Lord.

Oh yeah, our little Neely turned TWO last week! (hence the photo...) She is so full of life and WORDS. We had a little family party here at home. She loved every minute of it. It was very telling that her favorite gift was a big plastic teapot full of dishes (that was a hand-me-down... thanks Kelly for making me look like the best parent in the world!). It doesn't take much... but she did get some other wonderful housewares that will go very nicely with the kitchen that we have planned for her for Christmas.

Today is flu shot day for the boys (sorry Audrey... it just happened to fall that way and I didn't want to put it off for another week in fear that they would run out of vaccine again). Parker will scrunch up his face and not shed a tear. Dryden has been obsessing about it for the few days that he has known and even attempted to pinch his arm really hard in order to get it ready for the moment of impact. ugh!!!! Let's hope that they survive it...

Ok, Neely is making an absolute ruckus in her crib and I still need to shower before I extract her... Dryden & Parker are in love with their dot-to-dot books from Grammy and are completely engrossed so I need to run along and get myself ready for a day that I dread. Not sure when I'll have the gumption to get back at you all... probably Saturday or Sunday. Thank you for all of your care, concern and prayers.

HALLELUJAH!!!!

I opened "Jesus Calling" this morning and saw this facing me on the month of November:

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus"
Philippians 4:19

How true it is prayer warriors!!!! When I finally stopped - well, slowed down - my self-pity party, I started to realize how much worse things really could be. I have not been hospitalized, I have not developed life-threatening complications or had issues that have halted, delayed or otherwise compromised my treatments. In light of all of that, I'll never forget the experience that Darin had in the waiting room during my PET scan (long before any surgeries or chemo treatments). He witnessed two women - one bald as could be - discussing their cancer treatments and one, the bald one, was expressing how happy she was that even though her cancer had returned and she was going through chemo for a second time, she at least hadn't had to be hospitalized (purely due to the chemotherapy side effects) this time around. I am grateful that my "complications" have been skin lesions, swine flu and some random virus. I am grateful.

And so, having had that revelation I made peace with pneumonia and MRSA only to then receive the call from MedExpress to say that the radiologist read my x-ray (it was just the doctor on Saturday) and determined that there was no bacterial infection present. In addition, the lesion on my shoulder that they cultured didn't grow any type of bacteria at all. So... they have no idea what it might be, but it is not infectious or dangerous. Can I get an "AMEN" from the congregation?!?!! Praise the Lord for some incredibly good news and praise Him for all of your faithful prayers.

However, regardless of this wonderful news, we are still gun-shy and have decided to proceed with our previous decision to place me under house arrest. ha ha. I'm sure that I will venture out from time to time, but on a truly limited basis. I just want to be smart and to make it through the rest of chemotherapy on time. I am floored by the number of you who have already called TODAY to do grocery shopping and whatever else we may need. I know I've said it about a hundred times already but... we are so blessed to know you all!!!

Thank you so much for praying with us and staying with us through this crazy nightmare. I was encouraged by my little devotional once again when I got to the page for today...

"Do not be discouraged by the difficulty of keeping your focus on Me. I know that your heart's desire is to be aware of My Presence continually. This is a lofty goal; you aim toward it but never fully achieve it in this life. Don't let feelings of failure weigh you down." whew... it is a relief to know that God knows my heart and my intentions and that I'm not letting Him down by being human.

So... let's see if we can get through this week without acquiring anything new before the next chemo date. It would also be nice if everyone could just attend school on schedule (this too, is a lofty goal... ha ha). Here's to more "normal"! (please???)

A little bit miserable...

Yesterday the nightmare continued. I have had a small lesion (which started out looking like a little pimplish thing) on my right shoulder for about a month now. Which instead of looking better, has looked bigger and worse. At first I just attributed it to the fact that things simply take longer to heal when you are going through chemo, but when a couple more cropped up, I started to get suspicious. Because my Panic Button is stuck in the "on" position I thought about flesh-eating bacteria and other random worst-case scenarios but then all of the sudden, when I should've been sleeping, it dawned on me... MRSA. (google it... and then try not to panic) That was Friday night. Saturday morning I tried for FOUR hours to get through to the "nurse on-call". And this, after it took me the ENTIRE day on Thursday to get ahold of anyone from my oncologist's office to tell me what to do about Parker's swine flu and my own symptoms!!! I left two messages and then after regular business hours, paged at least twice before they called to tell me their standard: "go to the ER". When I refused based on the fact that I was pretty certain what I had after getting Parker's positive diagnosis and I wasn't about to pay $75 for a swab when, had someone returned my first call at 10:30am (or my second at 3:15 when my fever started, or for that matter my pages...), I could've at least just gone to MedExpress for $25!! Anyhow... I finally convinced the nurse to just page my doctor to talk to her about it and as it turned out, she had received my first two messages and left instructions for Tamiflu to be called in for me but somehow that had never been communicated to me. So, needless to say, I was pretty frustrated by Saturday morning when I couldn't reach anyone again. When I finally did get ahold of the nurse (it was the same one from the other night... so she knew that I wasn't going to want to go to the ER) she said that she had no idea what it could be but that I really needed to have it checked out (I understand that she can't diagnosis it over the phone, but what I'd really like out of the nurse on-call, is her gut feeling. Some advice on whether or not it is something to get worked up about. A little feedback and questioning rather than an automatic, "you are on chemo, so you should go to the ER".). So, off to MedExpress I go. The doctor there took one look at it and said, "oh... yeah... I can see why you would think this might be MRSA". She cultured it and sent it away but while I was there, I began coughing (as I have been doing quite a bit) and given my condition she suggested a chest x-ray even though my oxygen levels were good, I had no fever and my chest sounded clear. I consented just because I didn't want to be sent back in a day and I had thought that morning that my cough seemed to be much more in my chest than before. Naturally... she didn't like the look of the right lung and thought that I am likely developing pneumonia! FUN, FUN. Can you say MORE drugs??? At this point it is almost unbelievable. We'll know all of the results for certain hopefully by tomorrow afternoon but it doesn't really matter since I'm on all of the drugs already (although, I guess that they may switch me to some even more potent antibiotic if it is MRSA for sure). However, it has led us to the conclusion that my time in larger public arenas is probably over. We are just feeling like I can't be taking any chances that my treatments will be delayed or worse, postponed (it is incredibly important for future outcomes that everything happen on schedule). We realize that doesn't protect me from whatever the kids are being exposed to but we will just have to increase our handwashing and I guess, limit some of my contact with them. I just can't take too much more illness... So, please forgive me if I see you and don't get close or if you just don't see me anywhere for the next couple of months. It's been rough and it is maybe time for some greater precautions. In retrospect, as much as I do not want to deal with MRSA... it is very likely that it was God's providence to get me to MedExpress before a much more serious case of pneumonia put me in the hospital. I never would've gone based on my cough alone...

Regardless of all the bad news... we did get to enjoy Halloween in the neighborhood last evening. Parker has been fever-free since Friday morning so while he didn't attend the community party (and actually, Dryden didn't either... but that was conduct-related...) we did allow him to go trick-or-treating. Neely took a little spin around our cul de sac (until Daddy told her that she had "nuff" treats in her bag) and then she & I sat on the front step handing out candy. I wasn't feeling great but at least I could be out a little bit with everyone and enjoy the excitement. Thank you Lord for those little things!

We also heard from Grandma upon her re-entrance to this continent. She sounded tired but like she had a wonderful journey. Thank you Lord that her travels have been safe and that she has been able to enjoy herself away from all of this craziness for a time. And, best of all, it sounds like she finished just out of the medals in the Senior Games (the reason that she headed to Australia to begin with). We're so proud of you (especially since she has barely gotten to golf at ALL since giving up her life to come here and help us) Grandma Hawn!! Thank you for your sacrifices. It means so much to us.

I don't have a lot of great, Godly insights for our current place on the path as I have spent a couple of days wallowing in my own self-pity. I've had a hard time trying to find the bright side of all of this but please believe that even in my darkest hours, I don't doubt God. I just doubt my ability to be all that He wants me to be... I'm weak and I'm sad and I'm scared and sometimes I'm just tired of fighting. I'm so thankful that there are so many of you out there praying greater, bigger, grander things when all that I can do is beg for this to be over. So for me, all that I've got today is this wonderful little Kowot prayer from Edwidge Danticat:

"God grant me many more mornings, so that I might grow old with the ones I love"

Confirmed...

We awoke this morning (which I guess isn't entirely accurate because "awoke" would imply that we actually slept... I'm pretty sure that I saw EVERY hour...) to a very sick little boy and a trip to the pediatrician. As soon as we were put into a room, Parker promptly threw up in the trash can. Luckily he hadn't had anything to eat or drink yet, so there wasn't much to come up. But, let me tell you... I'm starting to feel like there is no end in sight!! Fortunately they were sensitive to our situation and agreed to test him after only one day of symptoms. So, we have one definite case of H1N1 in our midst and I am writing right now with a fever of 100.9 to ask you all to PRAY!!!! First of all, I can't imagine not being able to take care of my children while they are sick and secondly, I'm a little afraid of what can happen since I am at what is commonly thought to be the "lowest" (meaning white count and probably other counts as well...) point in the chemo cycle. Please put this all before the Lord. I'm sure that He already has it all worked out but since I'm not privy to that plan, I'm a little apprehensive! I'm so hopeful that they won't ask us to go to the Emergency Room again (who do you really ask to stay with your one definite case of swine flu and two potential ones??) but I also don't want to put myself in a really compromising position healthwise. Parker has started on Tamiflu (another prayer request... despite the cherry flavoring that Ed added, it apparently tastes TERRIBLE. Try coercing a very sick, very grouchy little boy to take medicine that tastes awful and requires him to eat something substantial... not pretty) and we have waiting prescriptions for the others should they start with fevers in the next week or so. Right now, I'm awaiting the return of two phone calls to the Cancer Center nurse hotline to tell me what I am supposed to be doing. ugh!!!!

I'm off to try to drum up something productive to do (at a distance) for my two healthy children and just desire for your prayers to cover this entire situation. I have no doubt that God is still in control!

Fever, Part II

As if two and half weeks of children with fevers were not enough, God - in His divine providence - has allowed more feverishness upon us. Parker awoke this morning with a fever of 102 and I have struggled to keep it below there since (even while alternating Tylenol and Motrin, which I NEVER do!). In addition, he is complaining of a whole host of flu-like symptoms which would lead to the logical conclusion that we have been swined. UGH!!!! In all honesty, I also awoke with a sore throat and have had a ticklish cough that I can't seem to shake. It is all fun and games around here right now!!!! My biggest fear is that Parker won't be healthy enough to don the Muscle Man costume, that he has been wearing on a daily basis for the past month, and do the trick-or-treating thing this Saturday. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays with the kids because they are BEYOND elated that they can just wander all over the neighborhood collecting candy. The pictures we get are among the best of the year (is it the evening lighting? the HUGE smiles on everyone's faces? or maybe just all of the SUGAR???) and I've even debated whether a Halloween picture Christmas card ("Celebrate the birth of our Savior" with Muscle Man, a pirate and a chubby little pumpkin... hmm... probably not quite right...) is ok. Anyhow, I know that it is getting a little bit ahead of myself but realistically, even if Parker would be miraculously over his fever by then, what are the chances that no one else is going to have it?? Feel free to pray fervently that somehow the rest of us (especially me... not meaning to be selfish but I can't help but feel a little bit scared of being one of "those" who succumb to the worst of the swine flu due to a "compromised" immune system... ugh) escape this latest issue unscathed.

Regardless of our circumstances, He is still God. If nothing else, I've learned that!! He is still on the throne, He is still in control (and I'm not... not that I really want to be). And He loves us down to the hairs that He has counted on our heads (ooh, that came out without really thinking it all through... what exactly does that mean to those of us who don't have hair??). Then today, in the midst of all of my craziness (and by that I mean, crazier than usual) I got the greatest "cancer" poem from a dear friend (I'm not sure who to attribute it to, so if you are out there oh poem writer, please don't take offense!):

Cancer is so limited.....
It cannot cripple love,
It cannot shatter hope,
It cannot corrode faith,
It cannot eat away peace
It cannot destroy confidence,
It cannot kill friendship,
It cannot shut out memories,
It cannot silence courage,
It cannot invade the soul,
It cannot reduce eternal life,
It cannot quench the Spirit,
It cannot lessen the power of the resurrection!

He is still risen to wipe away my sins... What a wonderful saving grace to a disappointing day. Praise the Lord that in my life there are absolutes that don't sway with my mood or my circumstances or my cancer. And in addition to that knowledge, another very dear friend stopped by with ice cream for me and popsicles for the kids (and another ran over with her unopend childrens' Motrin... I've been surrounded by love today!)! Talk about God meeting your every need... ha ha. Don't ever think that He doesn't have a sense of humor or that He doesn't care about your "smallest" need.

Saved by Hot and Sour soup...

So another cycle has come and gone and with it a NEW problem... thrush. Who knew that the slimy whiteness on my tongue wasn't just part of the regular awfulness of chemo?? (my neighbor, the nurse practitioner to transplant patients, that's who. She took one look at my tongue and said, "oh yeah, you have thrush". thanks Susan!) It was five days of almost nothing to eat (even eggs are getting rough...), truly EVERYTHING is just awful until I started craving hot and sour soup. Off to Tai Pei goes Darin (and Neely, who got a "tookie" for her trouble) saying, "are you sure that you are actually going to be able to eat this??" and then again to Yama Sushi on Sunday when I decided that rolls where the only thing that would do. For some reason Asian flavors (taste like flavors, for one) are working and to not have my stomach turning (and churning) for just a little while was truly like heaven. Although, there was a little tofu (a big no-no for estrogen-driven cancers...) in the hot & sour soup so I may need to try egg-drop next time...

The initial days seem to be getting harder but I will say that I felt a little better this weekend than I did the last time at this time (if that makes any sense...). We made it to one service at church, I got outside for some bike-riding (and wrestling - not me, the boys... Dryden lost ANOTHER tooth in the process! He truly is the toothless wonder now...) and generally felt like I got to enjoy the weekend a little bit with my family. I am feeling my energy slowly returning today as my tongue goes from it's weird sliminess and utter revulsion to food to it's scalded, painful state (but, leave it to Janelle to find a way to send ice cream through the mail!! You're unbelievable...). However, I am finding that just thinking about the chemo room (and in particular the lunch that they bring around - for whatever reason...) can make me nauseous and ill-feeling. It is getting harder and harder to think about going through this again and again. Please pray for strength (yes, starting now!! ) to endure for the remaining treatments. The sick feelings and bevy of meds that come with them are getting pretty tough to take.

Another big thank you to my mom for spending yet another week here cleaning up after us, taking care of the kids and wrapping up whatever produce gets left behind in the chemo-madness. The sacrifices and offerings of everyone around us serve as such a tangible reminder of God's love and care for us even when it feels like everything is stacked against us. The meals keep coming in droves (and look delicious... it is a little like torture for me but I'm so happy that my family is well-fed!) and the prayers, encouragement (even if it's late... you know who you are... ha ha!!! I just had to add that because so many of you get so upset if you are a little late! Please don't worry about that at all... God puts things right where they should be and, as we all know by now, He is seldom early but never late!) and other little pick-me-ups just continue to carry us on when it feels like we simply can't anymore. Thank you for not forgetting about us as this drags on and on!

Last Monday's "chemo lunch" (while not well-attended... what? other people have lives outside of cancer?? how can that be... ha ha!) was a huge success. I've been taking myself - with whatever friends are free and willing - out for a last lunch of whatever I crave for that one moment that remains when I can - kind of, at this point - taste it. We had Thai food (and amazing hot & sour soup, which may be what was driving my determination that it would actually taste good now. I'm glad that I didn't ruin it!) and a little sense of freedom and fun. It is a bittersweet time for me.

We have healthy kids (and Mom... sort of) again here and Dryden started developmental hockey (which is a riot because he calls it "demental" hockey). While skating is not his forte, Darin said that he had more hockey sense than any of the kids in his group and was the only one to score in their little 10 minute scrimmage. Gotta love it. Darin is hoping to get both he and Parker out to do some extra skating (Parker still does his Friday morning class) during the week now that soccer has wrapped up, but it seems like those after school hours just fly by and the next thing that we know, it is bed time. Neely is just about to be two (when did that happen???) and is SOOOOO two... She is bossy, hilarious and full to the brim with personality. This Sunday she pranced off to church in a lovely tan velvet jumper (it was so cute Kelly! I should've taken a picture for you...) with pockets full of her latest favorite, "nunjas" (tiny ninjas from the Wildwood Highlands toy counter where you exchange your game tickets). We were too tired to wrestle them from her and she promised that she wouldn't lose them. It was too much. And Parker, well, Parker is still the one who is struggling and the most effected, I would have to say. He is kind of contrary and defiant but almost always on the verge of crying. He randomly says things like, "I just wish that my mom didn't have to have cancer" and on any given day does or doesn't want to go to school passionately. So... we try to be sensitive while not allowing him to be a complete brat... it's a balance.

So, now we're off to a new week that will hopefully be productive, mindful and well... just normal.

Fever

Well... we had a fantastic girls weekend of talking, shopping, reminiscing, some tears and even some eating (ok, too much eating... that crazy Mad Mex gets us every time!). It was such a treat to spend the weekend with some girls that have truly been with me for the long haul! Hope that everyone at home got to stay up too late, eat too much junk food and watch way too much t.v. (you're welcome Colson, Elizabeth, Lily, Ellie, Owen, Maya, Isabel, Judah, Ezra, Noah and Zion!!).

However, not long after the fun had ended and we were heading home from Giant Eagle (the local grocery chain...) the next morning, Parker began crying that his "forehead" hurt. Well... go figure, he was sporting a 102 fever and we were in for three more days of fever fun. By the time that he had finally wrapped things up (in the midst of which we finally took Dryden to the pediatrician for his never-ending cough - which they determined to be "nothing" caused only by sinus irritation, not contagious and certainly not the dreaded swine flu - which one of his close friends in the neighborhood is just getting over...), my throat was feeling sore, my nose was running (more than usual - it turns out that the errant drip is a constant hazard for the nasal-hair impaired) and I ended up running a fever of my own come Thursday afternoon. A call to the onco nurse (a must if you are getting chemo) landed us in the ER for 3 hours getting the "septic work-up" (it's just a LITTLE frightening to have your name mentioned in the same sentence as septic... yikes!!) after a frantic search for someone to come and stay with our marginally healthy brood of little ones. (There is a special place for you in heaven, Halley!) Fortunately nothing came of any of the multitude of tests that they performed with the exception of an elevated white count - which the CRNP that was treating me seemed a bit concerned about until he spoke with my oncologist who was overjoyed (it turns out that they are much more concerned about LOW white counts... at least I had someone fighting whatever was attacking my system!). So... with a little mask and a prescription for augmentin (overuse of antibiotics on suspected viral illness be damned!) we headed home. After a very restless night's sleep we woke at 5am to Neely crying (unusual...) with a 102 fever of her own! Seriously????? I was feeling awful and so was she so another saintly friend and neighbor took Parker for the entire day (as well as to his skating lesson... meaning that poor Gwen had to hang out in the rink for no good reason... thank you Gwen!) while we both nursed our illness with the Food Network (and a little Dora). So all of this to say that it has been a nightmare of a "good week" and right now I am just praying that I am back to "normal" by the time I am starting to really feel badly. ugh...

So, Friday as I laid in bed feeling utterly miserable (and wondering why I had to feel that way when I know that I am going to be feeling that way all of next week...) I read:

"Look to Me continually for help, comfort and companionship. Because I am always by your side, the briefest glance can connect you with Me" (thank goodness because that is often all that I can muster these days! This was truly comforting to me...)... "When you need comfort, I love to enfold you in My arms. I enable you not only to feel comforted but also to be a channel through whom I comfort others. Thus you are doubly blessed, because a living channel absorbs some of whatever flows through it." wow... isn't this what I've been praying to be?? Lord please allow me to live it...

But... it gets better... for the past 6 months I've been planning a small surprise 35th birthday party for Darin at Audrey's house (while the cat's away the mice will play... Audrey has been the most gracious host to so many in the past couple of weeks!! thank you Audrey!!) on October 17 (his actual birthday). As we approached the date, not only was almost everyone in our house sick but in the homes of our guests the same types of things were occurring. However, we did manage to pull it off - with the help of our guests, all of whom managed to be there - hooray!! And had a super relaxing evening with a very good group of friends. Thank you all for making it possible!!

Through it all there are more prayer requests - friends' still ill children, friends' suffering parents and my full recovery prior to more chemo this coming Tuesday (yes, already... YUCK!) and ust as many praises - thank goodness it wasn't anything more serious for me, we still got to surprise Darin (I LOVE YOU honey!!!!!) and our kids are all actually beginning to resemble the healthy bunch that they were just two weeks ago. I know that it gets old for some of you but it does bear repeating... God is good! Oh yeah, AND Grammy & Grampy returned this Saturday to visit (and hopefully NOT catch anything) and to stay (Grammy, that is... Grampy is hoping to find some unfortunate doe with his muzzle loaders' name on it) for another round of chemo fun. It has been crazy here, but we're coming to expect nothing less. I am, in so many ways, disappointed that I really didn't get to have very much "good" time. My tastes are still very "off" and my sleep is currently dismal. But I'm learning not to rely on my feelings and trying hard to remember that this isn't my forever condition.

and, so fittingly (it's amazing how God arrives in this way... as Rock would say, "He's borderline genius"! ha ha) today I read in my lovely little devotional:

"Go gently through this day, keeping your eyes on Me. I will open up the way before you, as you take steps of trust along your path. Sometimes the way before you appears to be blocked. If you focus on the obstacle or search for a way around it, you will probably go off course." (hmm... this sounds a lot like me in the past week...) "Instead, focus on Me, the Shepherd who is leading you along your life-journey. Before you know it, the "obstacle" will be behind you and you will hardly know how you passed through it."

Dear Lord make this the truth for all of us today!

Recovering

So I never knew how dependent I was on food for comfort, until now. I even eat things that should taste wonderful - even though they don't now - just because I so desperately want them too. This should be a very important lesson and hopefully I learn something important from it, but right now I just want food to taste good!! I think that it is getting just a little bit better today. I managed to eat my first raw vegetables and even a little cheese. When I am finally able to eat fruit, I will know that I have arrived. Right now all fruit tastes like I just brushed my teeth and my tongue burns like it was recently scraped with sandpaper. If I'm lucky, I can spend all of next week stuffing myself full of salad and every imaginable fruit to make up for all of the nutritional insufficiency of the past two weeks. Somehow, eggs, potatoes and oatmeal just don't cover all of the necessary food groups.

Regardless of the eating difficulties, I do feel like my energy is returning (I even ran a little on the treadmill yesterday! hooray!). Unfortunately, given the increase in hot flashes my sleeping is not so good (it's always something - you know?!??). And thankfully, by Thursday we were able to send Dryden back to school (the picture is of him in a much less healthy state... poor guy!) and I got to join him for lunch and book fare shopping. It is so interesting to see them in "their" environment. I imagine Dryden one certain way but then to see him in his own element - where I don't really exist, he wasn't quite what I had expected. In fact, next to the kids that we were lunching with, he was the quiet one! Praise the Lord that no one else seems to have gotten what he had. (which seems almost impossible given the way he was coughing all over everything!)

Now I am getting ready for a much anticipated weekend with some of my oldest and dearest girlfriends from Lancaster. yahoo! It is wonderful to get to spend time with people who know you as well as they do and yet still love you... ha ha. Thank you to everyone who pitched in to take care of their 11 kiddos! (most likely that means you, Matt, Dave and Keith! my kids love "Dad rules" weekend... movies, Wii, pizza and late bedtimes... enjoy!!) We will likely eat (well, at least they will...), talk, cry (it's inevitable... I have cancer!) and shop (there's nothing like retail therapy! and, we can support breast cancer research at the same time at the Prime Outlets in Grove City... you know me, always multi-tasking! although, I'm trying to quit because I've read that it really isn't good for you...). Should produce some good pictures... and a much needed break from a rough post-treatment time. I love you girls!

Chemo #3

ugh... I'm not sure that there is any more succinct way to sum up the past 5 or so days. It has been rough this time but no one said it would be easy, so here we are! I'm so thankful that my mom could be here to keep the kids rolling on their usual schedules (and SO MANY thanks to the rest of you who regularly pitch in to make that happen... wow... we are so blessed to have you all in our lives!). Being mom, she also froze my languishing corn & tomatoes, cleaned my fridge, mended Parker's camo shorts that have been waiting for me to get-around-to-it all summer and did all of the ironing that bursts forth from a family of 5. (all of that to say, she stood in your shoes very nicely, Audrey! ha ha... ) I spent a lot of time feeling absolutely crummy, trying in vain to think of things to eat (all the while perusing Cooking Light, Real Simple, Fine Cooking and Food Network magazines drooling over what I'd like to be cooking and eating...) and desperately trying to convince myself of what everyone else has been championing... "halfway there"! However, all that I could usually come up with was, "I have to do this - with increasing difficulty - THREE more times????". ugh. I can't even begin to describe the feeling... the taste, the headaches, the fatigue... just the general drugged-out haze that is pervasive throughout. It is truly the most difficult thing that I have ever had to endure. And this time - especially - I felt like I was really negative. I'm disappointed in myself and sad that I wasn't better able to rise to the occasion. It wasn't like I was surprised that I didn't feel good or as if I thought it would be different. I just wasn't very strong in the face of evil. I caved to my sadness and the overall yuckiness of the situation. I'm sorry! And then naturally, yesterday, as I was finally starting to pray again in a more directed way (beyond, "please get me through this" and "please make this worth it for MANY, MANY years to come"), I picked up my little devotional by Sarah Young and read these words:

"When many things seem to be going wrong, trust Me. These are supernatural responses, and they can lift you above your circumstances. If you do what comes naturally in the face of difficulties, you may fall prey to negativism." (hmm... you think so???) ... "Cry out to Me in My Name! Affirm your trust in Me, regardless of how you feel."...

wow... what a great reminder of where I was and where I need to be. I guess that I have something (else) to be working on between now and October 20 (which comes up soooo much faster than you realize... I had a neighbor say to me right before this last treatment, "is it here already? It is not even me going through it and it seems like it comes up really quickly!" yes, it does!). It is so true that giving in to just a few complaints leads you down a road of negativism that it is tough to come back from. I know that I am not in this place to be negative and downtrodden but I am also realistic enough to know that I am not going to be able to achieve a positive outlook on any of this without the Lord's intervention. It truly is a supernatural response that only He is the author of, so my job is not to focus on "doing better" but relying better on Him for my strength and attitude. I'll keep you posted! (no internet humor intended...)

So... I'm starting to emerge from the haze slowly. I descended much faster this time and stayed down a lot longer. But it is getting a little bit better. However, now our dear little Dryden is quite sick (so sorry to anyone he came in contact with over the past several days!! it started out so innocently with a dry cough and ended up with an ongoing fever since Saturday afternoon) but as I now hear, it is making the rounds at school. Hopefully we'll get him turned around quickly so that he can get back to school and please pray that everyone else will remain healthy!

It is a totally new normal here and a huge learning experience on a daily basis. Your prayers mean so much to each of us (including those who are constantly giving of themselves and their time for us), especially when our strength is failing and our attitudes are suffering.

In the shadow...

... of impending chemo we are soldiering on as if our life is normal. And maybe this is "normal" as far as we are concerned... We managed to get in two soccer games in Butler this morning before the rains came hard and before 10:30am. whew... The boys played great and Dryden was begging to stay and help out a few other teams that didn't have enough players. However, Grandpa Hawn is here just for a few days so we decided to head out and hit First Watch (for the second time in two weeks...) for more huge chocolate chip pancakes and a lot of coffee in order to warm up. (yay! I'm about over sweating in the "fur hat"...)

Grandpa Hawn will be taking off early tomorrow morning and Grammy will be heading our way by tomorrow afternoon in order to be here with us through "chemo week". We are so thankful that she is able to take time off of her real life to help us through the worst of things. Sadly my tongue is just about 95% of normal right now so my expectations are low for this impending treatment. It makes it difficult to think about what is ahead for me. So many people are reminding me that I am halfway there after Tuesday but all that I keep thinking is, "I have just as far to go as I have already come". Does that make me a "glass half empty" kind of gal?? I hope not... I'm thinking that it makes me a realist and just kind of normally negative about the whole chemo experience. Basically, it sucks. Being bald sucks, feeling sick sucks, taking all kinds of medications sucks and hey... just having cancer sucks! However, I am fortunate that I am able to keep reminding myself through the negativity that God has a wonderful plan for my suffering. And, therefore, I am not suffering needlessly! Hooray! He knows what this all means and why it is all happening just as it is. He is certain about everything so I really don't need to waste a lot of time worrying about outcomes (statistics... are you happy, Janelle??) and pathways. (which doesn't mean that I never do, just that I don't HAVE to... you know, if I don't have time or whatever... ha ha)

We have some spectacular news in the midst of trial... Parker asked Jesus into his little 4 year-old heart! He, as you all have learned, is still struggling with the idea of Mom having cancer, chemo and surgeries but because of all of his struggles his heart is soft and welcoming to the Lord. The other night he was feeling particularly sad and we discussed how Jesus can come into your heart if you ask and fill the emptiness while giving you peace that you didn't know you could have in the midst of sadness (without necessarily taking away the reasons that you are sad... big concept for a small person but amazing the way the Holy Spirit translates it for them into something that they can grasp!). He said that he wanted to do that and so we did! He then spent the rest of the week telling teachers and friends and we will continue to nurture the idea in his growing heart and mind! yippee! No doubt he will still have many sad moments on this journey, but he is not walking it alone!

Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

Day by day

We are here just taking it day by day right now. Unfortunately my tongue continues to be a challenge and my tastes are not yet normal (this does not bode well for future treatments... I may just want to contact Ben & Jerry directly to find out if I can get something larger than a pint...). ugh is about all that I have to say about that. My energy level is pretty good - I even worked on weeding the pachysandra yesterday until my arm started aching (once your lymph nodes have been removed you need to be fairly careful about how much you use the involved arm - in my case my right arm... of course - because you can develop a condition called lymphedema, which once you contract is not curable but only manageable.) and I got nervous about doing too much. (and then today I noticed that my legs were sore too... guess that I haven't been working too hard lately!) But, with the beautiful weather that we have been having it was just great to be outside. Darin has been spending a lot of time working on our lawn as we are suddenly noticing that we really hadn't paid any attention to it for the entire summer... which isn't really surprising given the fact that we are noticing that we really didn't notice the summer... We have both mentioned to the kids on separate occasions that next summer we want to spend so much more time doing normal summer things (like going to the pool, riding bikes, hiking, picnicking, etc.) while Dryden told my friend Halley recently that this was the best summer ever! So much for parental instincts... ha ha. Although, it is likely that Dryden's response is related to the fact that they have been coddled and entertained by family and neighbors all summer long. So even though we feel that the summer was lost, I am grateful that their "summer of cancer" memories appear to be so happy!

I am starting to feel a lot more like "me" this week and I am anxious not to squander a single moment of it in the coming week. I am finding that I am much more task-oriented around the house and things that have been languishing since we moved in 18+ months ago are finally getting organized and finished. Apparently it is some strange form of cancer nesting that has me cleaning out closets, repurposing, reorganizing and generally just doing things that I meant to tackle long ago. It must all have something to do with the renewed purposefulness which seems to dictate our choices in these days since my diagnosis. It just seems easier to say "no" when we know that something might make things a little more hectic than we would like and we guard our family time when I am feeling healthy. We now tend to think "small" by addressing the issues that are right in front of us (and have been there forever but we were busy thinking "bigger picture" too often...) first. This is very much like what Pastor Rock talked about this morning in addressing "change and delay" in the life of a Christian. As much as we often dislike it, God usually institutes such things in order for us to grow in character, develop the skills we need for His larger purpose and so that we can see the things that are right in front of us that need to be finished up. We are there right now...

I also read something this week - some interview with Rick Warren of "Purpose Driven Life" fame (its been circulating around the internet for awhile now, you may have seen it) - that reminded me again why I am here and why we are taking this path... He says it this way:

"We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense. Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one. The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort; God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy."

"You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems: If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is 'my problem, my issues, my pain.' But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others."

God is more interested in our character than in our comfort... there is nothing more character-shaping than being uncomfortable (as I am learning!). And there is no better lesson to learn than to take your focus off of yourself and put it where it belongs - on Him. That idea is definitely harder for me since the comfort thing is something that I have no control over. The focus thing takes a conscious effort on my part to shift my thinking. Thankfully, I don't have to do it by will power or intestinal fortitude (goodness knows that my intestine can't take any more... ha ha... just a little chemo-humor for you there!). If I ask God to help me change my thinking... He will never say no.

Matthew 7:7-8 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

the week in review...

So many thanks to everyone who has been praying, emailing, calling and wishing me well through another round of chemo-hell. It has been a rough week. (no surprise, really...) I felt as though the first 5 days were harder than last time (I was EXHAUSTED to an extent that I have never been before...) but my energy started to return a bit by Monday. However, the weird tongue stuff (it feels as though the whole thing was burned and it gets ulcers along the sides) and taste problems have carried on right through to today. I do feel like I am starting to feel a little bit of improvement, but this has been rough. Someone was asking me if I was craving anything and really... it doesn't matter because it all tastes bad!! It really gets difficult once you start to feel hungry again (for me, about Sunday night) because then food smells great but tastes awful. I have found that I can eat ice cream (it soothes my tongue and something about the mouth feel makes it bearable even if it doesn't taste exactly right) so I've been satisfying myself with pints of Ben & Jerry's and Starbucks (because, you know, a 5$ tub just wouldn't cut it!!). That definitely is not helpful for my healthy diet (I follow Janelle's amazing organic beef vegetable soup with a half a pint of ice cream for lunch every day...) or my waistline!! ugh.

This time around I didn't feel safe to drive until Monday although I did manage to get my exercise in every day. I look back and marvel at that because I was generally useless the rest of the time! The mental aspect of chemo is really very unnerving. I feel unfocused, unable to think clearly and just overall out-of-it. It is weird... I did have less headaches this time around and the pepcid truly did the job on the reflux. I also - praise the Lord for this - slept very well. You wake up a lot to use the restroom due to all of the fluids that they pump you with and the ones that you are instructed to drink to flush it all out, but I never had any trouble going back to sleep even when I was taking long naps every day. Thank you Lord!

Throughout all of this, I have obtained a true sense of appreciation for feeling good. You don't realize how badly you feel until you wake up one day and feel better... wow. I woke up on Monday just thanking the Lord for energy and for a more "normal" feeling. What a blessing to be able to recognize the gift of feeling healthy! That is something that I definitely took for granted in my pre-cancer life... I am slowly learning to take full advantage of the good days (and let me just say that the beautiful meals coming into our house are a big part of my ability to do that to the fullest! thank you, thank you!!). I don't want to waste any moments of feeling good. Oh how I wish that I could have back a lot of the time that I wasted before I knew that this was what was in store for me. It's more than just what I did during those times, it was my attitude, my outlook and my selfishness... in some ways I feel a little selfish now as I try to gather all of my hours to myself to love my children, my husband, my friends, my family and to drink in everything around me, but I guess that is a different kind of selfish. That's not to say that I haven't wasted time feeling sorry for myself now, but I am definitely starting to recognize the uselessness of that and the beauty of embracing each moment for what God has given me in that moment. Thank you Lord for opening my eyes and continuing to work on my heart... may I hear everything that You have for me in each day that You have given to us.

Parker continues to love school and seems to really be adjusting very well. He mentions now and again that he wishes that he didn't have to be away from me and Neely, but I don't think that it is interrupting his fun at school very much. Thank you for the prayers that you have offered for him, I know that they have been answered in abundance!

Audrey is off on her adventures home to Colorado, back to Edmonton and then to Australia. Please keep her travels in your prayers - mainly that she will have a fantastic time and not spend too much of it worrying about us! The kids are pretty upset that she would dare to leave us (nevermind that she never came for more than 10 days at a time prior to buying the condo and then all of this crashing down on us - which all happened within a few months of one another...) but her absence means that we will get to spend some time with Grammy and Grandpa Hawn. I have to admit that it is a little scary to not have her to lean on... I have definitely gotten used to that!

We are getting into the full swing of school days now as Dryden is into soccer, Parker is back at skating and both boys will be starting Kidz Krew (a local church program) tonight. I can't believe how busy our lives are when we feel like we have consciously made such an effort to slow them down... This is certainly another area for intense reflection because we want to make the most of the little lives that we have been entrusted with rather than make them so full that we never really pause to make sense of it all. However, it is really fun to watch them blossom in activities that they enjoy and it does make for some good family time (especially when Saturday morning soccer games are followed by gigantic FirstWatch chocolate chip pancakes!).

So, we are off into another chemo interlude praying for more strength, wisdom and patience as we navigate the cancer pathway. I am still investigating acupuncture as a method to control chemo side effects and plan to spend a lot of time enjoying "feeling better" before we have to do it all again.

Chemo #2

Yesterday was chemo day #2. Not as scary as the first time because you kind of know what is coming. I had my new port all ready and raring to go (OUCH!! even with the numbing cream it was a little painful... guess that we're not quite all healed up there just yet). It was at least a little bit comforting to know that I wasn't wrecking any small veins in my left arm. Although, it did occur to me - belatedly - that now I'm potentially wrecking my jugular vein. You know... the one that comes from my head... I kind of need that... However, when I talked to my awesome nurse, Sarah (just a little shout out to you there Sarah!) about that she said what I was assuming, that because the jugular is such a big vein it is not affected in nearly the same way as squeezing all of that poison through a small vein would be. Makes sense to me!

Praise the Lord that I did not have a reaction to the Taxotere. I also mentioned the magnitude of my headaches last time around so they switched me from the oral Zofran to an injectible antinausea medication that will supposedly do the same deal on the nausea but prevent the headaches. I did come home feeling a lot worse than last time and was in bed by 8:30 (home at 6pm because I switched my time so that I could be at school for Parker's first day... hence the picture above!). However, today has been... ok. I'm very tired, foggy, already started on the pepcid that they recommended for the chemo-induced reflux and harboring a mild headache (albeit nothing like last time). I got my Neulasta shot this afternoon and am expecting that things will go about like last time... not so good for Thursday, Friday & Saturday with a gradual easing off of symptoms as time goes on. I can tell that my taste buds are slowly checking out (as my water tastes funnier and funnier) but I need to try to eat less dairy this time around even though that is what tasted pretty good last time (it caused too much cramping and other digestive symptoms). Looks like I'm left with bread and hard boiled eggs (for a WEEK...), yum.

Another big praise is that Parker is LOVING school!! He has been saying for the past several weeks that he didn't want to go, that he wanted to stay home with me, etc. etc. and given that I am not going to be able to take him or pick him up for a week or so out of every month, I was a little worried about how he would adjust. However... all of those fantastic prayers are carrying him through and when Jodi brought him home today he bounded through the door and couldn't wait to tell me how much he loved it. Thank you Lord!!!!!

Dryden is getting ready for school pictures tomorrow but somehow his much needed haircut got lost in the shuffle and just today he knocked out his OTHER top front tooth (one was already out and working on it's neighboring tooth on the other side) at his friend Luke's house... maybe there won't be any first grade pictures of Dryden... ha ha

Neely is not enjoying the fact that everyone is gone in the mornings on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday (especially since Mom isn't really a barrel of laughs these days) but she is hyper-verbal and talking up a relentless storm about anything and everything. She has somehow outgrown the 10 pairs of beautiful size 5 shoes that were handed down to us (our loss is Ruby's gain, I guess...) and is becoming a little opinionated about what she is going to wear (COMPLETELY new territory for a mom of two boys who just lays out their clothes and says, "go get dressed").

And as all of this happens around me, I lose more hair, rest a lot and feel often like I am pretty much just missing out on life itself. I do know that this is a season and that this is what I need to be doing right now, but I feel like I should be doing so much more (i.e. what I'm usually doing!). I am no use to any one in need, I can't help any of the multitude of friends who are helping me and I'm just a "taker"... UGH. I feel like I can't be there for Darin, I'm barely there for the kids and I just spend a lot of time thinking about what's going on with me. Last week was so nice (feeling almost normal) but yet such a tease... The doctor who did my port (I'm sorry, his name escapes me - me the type A, attention to detail and whatnot person... chemo brain already! and I'm really trying to keep up with those crosswords and sudoku puzzles...), asked something to the effect of my feeling like things were really moving along in my treatment at this point and I had to tell him frankly... "no". I feel like it has barely started and as if time is almost standing still. However, it's God's time and His timing and whatever these next endless months hold will not come as any kind of shock to Him (even my attitude and inability to be paying closer attention to His plan... He's probably thinking that NOTHING will get this girl to sit up and stay focused!!). The only reassuring thing is that no matter how distressed I get, my faith remains. I know that the Lord has not abandoned me, nor will He. And, luckily for me, neither have my friends, neighbors, Bible study cohorts, church family, immediate and extended family and a whole host of people whom I haven't been in contact with for ages! WE ARE SO BLESSED to have each and every one of you! So, I will carry on, bad attitudes and all. Hopefully this round will not be any worse than the last, but if it is... so be it! This too shall pass...