Confirmed...

We awoke this morning (which I guess isn't entirely accurate because "awoke" would imply that we actually slept... I'm pretty sure that I saw EVERY hour...) to a very sick little boy and a trip to the pediatrician. As soon as we were put into a room, Parker promptly threw up in the trash can. Luckily he hadn't had anything to eat or drink yet, so there wasn't much to come up. But, let me tell you... I'm starting to feel like there is no end in sight!! Fortunately they were sensitive to our situation and agreed to test him after only one day of symptoms. So, we have one definite case of H1N1 in our midst and I am writing right now with a fever of 100.9 to ask you all to PRAY!!!! First of all, I can't imagine not being able to take care of my children while they are sick and secondly, I'm a little afraid of what can happen since I am at what is commonly thought to be the "lowest" (meaning white count and probably other counts as well...) point in the chemo cycle. Please put this all before the Lord. I'm sure that He already has it all worked out but since I'm not privy to that plan, I'm a little apprehensive! I'm so hopeful that they won't ask us to go to the Emergency Room again (who do you really ask to stay with your one definite case of swine flu and two potential ones??) but I also don't want to put myself in a really compromising position healthwise. Parker has started on Tamiflu (another prayer request... despite the cherry flavoring that Ed added, it apparently tastes TERRIBLE. Try coercing a very sick, very grouchy little boy to take medicine that tastes awful and requires him to eat something substantial... not pretty) and we have waiting prescriptions for the others should they start with fevers in the next week or so. Right now, I'm awaiting the return of two phone calls to the Cancer Center nurse hotline to tell me what I am supposed to be doing. ugh!!!!

I'm off to try to drum up something productive to do (at a distance) for my two healthy children and just desire for your prayers to cover this entire situation. I have no doubt that God is still in control!

Fever, Part II

As if two and half weeks of children with fevers were not enough, God - in His divine providence - has allowed more feverishness upon us. Parker awoke this morning with a fever of 102 and I have struggled to keep it below there since (even while alternating Tylenol and Motrin, which I NEVER do!). In addition, he is complaining of a whole host of flu-like symptoms which would lead to the logical conclusion that we have been swined. UGH!!!! In all honesty, I also awoke with a sore throat and have had a ticklish cough that I can't seem to shake. It is all fun and games around here right now!!!! My biggest fear is that Parker won't be healthy enough to don the Muscle Man costume, that he has been wearing on a daily basis for the past month, and do the trick-or-treating thing this Saturday. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays with the kids because they are BEYOND elated that they can just wander all over the neighborhood collecting candy. The pictures we get are among the best of the year (is it the evening lighting? the HUGE smiles on everyone's faces? or maybe just all of the SUGAR???) and I've even debated whether a Halloween picture Christmas card ("Celebrate the birth of our Savior" with Muscle Man, a pirate and a chubby little pumpkin... hmm... probably not quite right...) is ok. Anyhow, I know that it is getting a little bit ahead of myself but realistically, even if Parker would be miraculously over his fever by then, what are the chances that no one else is going to have it?? Feel free to pray fervently that somehow the rest of us (especially me... not meaning to be selfish but I can't help but feel a little bit scared of being one of "those" who succumb to the worst of the swine flu due to a "compromised" immune system... ugh) escape this latest issue unscathed.

Regardless of our circumstances, He is still God. If nothing else, I've learned that!! He is still on the throne, He is still in control (and I'm not... not that I really want to be). And He loves us down to the hairs that He has counted on our heads (ooh, that came out without really thinking it all through... what exactly does that mean to those of us who don't have hair??). Then today, in the midst of all of my craziness (and by that I mean, crazier than usual) I got the greatest "cancer" poem from a dear friend (I'm not sure who to attribute it to, so if you are out there oh poem writer, please don't take offense!):

Cancer is so limited.....
It cannot cripple love,
It cannot shatter hope,
It cannot corrode faith,
It cannot eat away peace
It cannot destroy confidence,
It cannot kill friendship,
It cannot shut out memories,
It cannot silence courage,
It cannot invade the soul,
It cannot reduce eternal life,
It cannot quench the Spirit,
It cannot lessen the power of the resurrection!

He is still risen to wipe away my sins... What a wonderful saving grace to a disappointing day. Praise the Lord that in my life there are absolutes that don't sway with my mood or my circumstances or my cancer. And in addition to that knowledge, another very dear friend stopped by with ice cream for me and popsicles for the kids (and another ran over with her unopend childrens' Motrin... I've been surrounded by love today!)! Talk about God meeting your every need... ha ha. Don't ever think that He doesn't have a sense of humor or that He doesn't care about your "smallest" need.

Saved by Hot and Sour soup...

So another cycle has come and gone and with it a NEW problem... thrush. Who knew that the slimy whiteness on my tongue wasn't just part of the regular awfulness of chemo?? (my neighbor, the nurse practitioner to transplant patients, that's who. She took one look at my tongue and said, "oh yeah, you have thrush". thanks Susan!) It was five days of almost nothing to eat (even eggs are getting rough...), truly EVERYTHING is just awful until I started craving hot and sour soup. Off to Tai Pei goes Darin (and Neely, who got a "tookie" for her trouble) saying, "are you sure that you are actually going to be able to eat this??" and then again to Yama Sushi on Sunday when I decided that rolls where the only thing that would do. For some reason Asian flavors (taste like flavors, for one) are working and to not have my stomach turning (and churning) for just a little while was truly like heaven. Although, there was a little tofu (a big no-no for estrogen-driven cancers...) in the hot & sour soup so I may need to try egg-drop next time...

The initial days seem to be getting harder but I will say that I felt a little better this weekend than I did the last time at this time (if that makes any sense...). We made it to one service at church, I got outside for some bike-riding (and wrestling - not me, the boys... Dryden lost ANOTHER tooth in the process! He truly is the toothless wonder now...) and generally felt like I got to enjoy the weekend a little bit with my family. I am feeling my energy slowly returning today as my tongue goes from it's weird sliminess and utter revulsion to food to it's scalded, painful state (but, leave it to Janelle to find a way to send ice cream through the mail!! You're unbelievable...). However, I am finding that just thinking about the chemo room (and in particular the lunch that they bring around - for whatever reason...) can make me nauseous and ill-feeling. It is getting harder and harder to think about going through this again and again. Please pray for strength (yes, starting now!! ) to endure for the remaining treatments. The sick feelings and bevy of meds that come with them are getting pretty tough to take.

Another big thank you to my mom for spending yet another week here cleaning up after us, taking care of the kids and wrapping up whatever produce gets left behind in the chemo-madness. The sacrifices and offerings of everyone around us serve as such a tangible reminder of God's love and care for us even when it feels like everything is stacked against us. The meals keep coming in droves (and look delicious... it is a little like torture for me but I'm so happy that my family is well-fed!) and the prayers, encouragement (even if it's late... you know who you are... ha ha!!! I just had to add that because so many of you get so upset if you are a little late! Please don't worry about that at all... God puts things right where they should be and, as we all know by now, He is seldom early but never late!) and other little pick-me-ups just continue to carry us on when it feels like we simply can't anymore. Thank you for not forgetting about us as this drags on and on!

Last Monday's "chemo lunch" (while not well-attended... what? other people have lives outside of cancer?? how can that be... ha ha!) was a huge success. I've been taking myself - with whatever friends are free and willing - out for a last lunch of whatever I crave for that one moment that remains when I can - kind of, at this point - taste it. We had Thai food (and amazing hot & sour soup, which may be what was driving my determination that it would actually taste good now. I'm glad that I didn't ruin it!) and a little sense of freedom and fun. It is a bittersweet time for me.

We have healthy kids (and Mom... sort of) again here and Dryden started developmental hockey (which is a riot because he calls it "demental" hockey). While skating is not his forte, Darin said that he had more hockey sense than any of the kids in his group and was the only one to score in their little 10 minute scrimmage. Gotta love it. Darin is hoping to get both he and Parker out to do some extra skating (Parker still does his Friday morning class) during the week now that soccer has wrapped up, but it seems like those after school hours just fly by and the next thing that we know, it is bed time. Neely is just about to be two (when did that happen???) and is SOOOOO two... She is bossy, hilarious and full to the brim with personality. This Sunday she pranced off to church in a lovely tan velvet jumper (it was so cute Kelly! I should've taken a picture for you...) with pockets full of her latest favorite, "nunjas" (tiny ninjas from the Wildwood Highlands toy counter where you exchange your game tickets). We were too tired to wrestle them from her and she promised that she wouldn't lose them. It was too much. And Parker, well, Parker is still the one who is struggling and the most effected, I would have to say. He is kind of contrary and defiant but almost always on the verge of crying. He randomly says things like, "I just wish that my mom didn't have to have cancer" and on any given day does or doesn't want to go to school passionately. So... we try to be sensitive while not allowing him to be a complete brat... it's a balance.

So, now we're off to a new week that will hopefully be productive, mindful and well... just normal.

Fever

Well... we had a fantastic girls weekend of talking, shopping, reminiscing, some tears and even some eating (ok, too much eating... that crazy Mad Mex gets us every time!). It was such a treat to spend the weekend with some girls that have truly been with me for the long haul! Hope that everyone at home got to stay up too late, eat too much junk food and watch way too much t.v. (you're welcome Colson, Elizabeth, Lily, Ellie, Owen, Maya, Isabel, Judah, Ezra, Noah and Zion!!).

However, not long after the fun had ended and we were heading home from Giant Eagle (the local grocery chain...) the next morning, Parker began crying that his "forehead" hurt. Well... go figure, he was sporting a 102 fever and we were in for three more days of fever fun. By the time that he had finally wrapped things up (in the midst of which we finally took Dryden to the pediatrician for his never-ending cough - which they determined to be "nothing" caused only by sinus irritation, not contagious and certainly not the dreaded swine flu - which one of his close friends in the neighborhood is just getting over...), my throat was feeling sore, my nose was running (more than usual - it turns out that the errant drip is a constant hazard for the nasal-hair impaired) and I ended up running a fever of my own come Thursday afternoon. A call to the onco nurse (a must if you are getting chemo) landed us in the ER for 3 hours getting the "septic work-up" (it's just a LITTLE frightening to have your name mentioned in the same sentence as septic... yikes!!) after a frantic search for someone to come and stay with our marginally healthy brood of little ones. (There is a special place for you in heaven, Halley!) Fortunately nothing came of any of the multitude of tests that they performed with the exception of an elevated white count - which the CRNP that was treating me seemed a bit concerned about until he spoke with my oncologist who was overjoyed (it turns out that they are much more concerned about LOW white counts... at least I had someone fighting whatever was attacking my system!). So... with a little mask and a prescription for augmentin (overuse of antibiotics on suspected viral illness be damned!) we headed home. After a very restless night's sleep we woke at 5am to Neely crying (unusual...) with a 102 fever of her own! Seriously????? I was feeling awful and so was she so another saintly friend and neighbor took Parker for the entire day (as well as to his skating lesson... meaning that poor Gwen had to hang out in the rink for no good reason... thank you Gwen!) while we both nursed our illness with the Food Network (and a little Dora). So all of this to say that it has been a nightmare of a "good week" and right now I am just praying that I am back to "normal" by the time I am starting to really feel badly. ugh...

So, Friday as I laid in bed feeling utterly miserable (and wondering why I had to feel that way when I know that I am going to be feeling that way all of next week...) I read:

"Look to Me continually for help, comfort and companionship. Because I am always by your side, the briefest glance can connect you with Me" (thank goodness because that is often all that I can muster these days! This was truly comforting to me...)... "When you need comfort, I love to enfold you in My arms. I enable you not only to feel comforted but also to be a channel through whom I comfort others. Thus you are doubly blessed, because a living channel absorbs some of whatever flows through it." wow... isn't this what I've been praying to be?? Lord please allow me to live it...

But... it gets better... for the past 6 months I've been planning a small surprise 35th birthday party for Darin at Audrey's house (while the cat's away the mice will play... Audrey has been the most gracious host to so many in the past couple of weeks!! thank you Audrey!!) on October 17 (his actual birthday). As we approached the date, not only was almost everyone in our house sick but in the homes of our guests the same types of things were occurring. However, we did manage to pull it off - with the help of our guests, all of whom managed to be there - hooray!! And had a super relaxing evening with a very good group of friends. Thank you all for making it possible!!

Through it all there are more prayer requests - friends' still ill children, friends' suffering parents and my full recovery prior to more chemo this coming Tuesday (yes, already... YUCK!) and ust as many praises - thank goodness it wasn't anything more serious for me, we still got to surprise Darin (I LOVE YOU honey!!!!!) and our kids are all actually beginning to resemble the healthy bunch that they were just two weeks ago. I know that it gets old for some of you but it does bear repeating... God is good! Oh yeah, AND Grammy & Grampy returned this Saturday to visit (and hopefully NOT catch anything) and to stay (Grammy, that is... Grampy is hoping to find some unfortunate doe with his muzzle loaders' name on it) for another round of chemo fun. It has been crazy here, but we're coming to expect nothing less. I am, in so many ways, disappointed that I really didn't get to have very much "good" time. My tastes are still very "off" and my sleep is currently dismal. But I'm learning not to rely on my feelings and trying hard to remember that this isn't my forever condition.

and, so fittingly (it's amazing how God arrives in this way... as Rock would say, "He's borderline genius"! ha ha) today I read in my lovely little devotional:

"Go gently through this day, keeping your eyes on Me. I will open up the way before you, as you take steps of trust along your path. Sometimes the way before you appears to be blocked. If you focus on the obstacle or search for a way around it, you will probably go off course." (hmm... this sounds a lot like me in the past week...) "Instead, focus on Me, the Shepherd who is leading you along your life-journey. Before you know it, the "obstacle" will be behind you and you will hardly know how you passed through it."

Dear Lord make this the truth for all of us today!

Recovering

So I never knew how dependent I was on food for comfort, until now. I even eat things that should taste wonderful - even though they don't now - just because I so desperately want them too. This should be a very important lesson and hopefully I learn something important from it, but right now I just want food to taste good!! I think that it is getting just a little bit better today. I managed to eat my first raw vegetables and even a little cheese. When I am finally able to eat fruit, I will know that I have arrived. Right now all fruit tastes like I just brushed my teeth and my tongue burns like it was recently scraped with sandpaper. If I'm lucky, I can spend all of next week stuffing myself full of salad and every imaginable fruit to make up for all of the nutritional insufficiency of the past two weeks. Somehow, eggs, potatoes and oatmeal just don't cover all of the necessary food groups.

Regardless of the eating difficulties, I do feel like my energy is returning (I even ran a little on the treadmill yesterday! hooray!). Unfortunately, given the increase in hot flashes my sleeping is not so good (it's always something - you know?!??). And thankfully, by Thursday we were able to send Dryden back to school (the picture is of him in a much less healthy state... poor guy!) and I got to join him for lunch and book fare shopping. It is so interesting to see them in "their" environment. I imagine Dryden one certain way but then to see him in his own element - where I don't really exist, he wasn't quite what I had expected. In fact, next to the kids that we were lunching with, he was the quiet one! Praise the Lord that no one else seems to have gotten what he had. (which seems almost impossible given the way he was coughing all over everything!)

Now I am getting ready for a much anticipated weekend with some of my oldest and dearest girlfriends from Lancaster. yahoo! It is wonderful to get to spend time with people who know you as well as they do and yet still love you... ha ha. Thank you to everyone who pitched in to take care of their 11 kiddos! (most likely that means you, Matt, Dave and Keith! my kids love "Dad rules" weekend... movies, Wii, pizza and late bedtimes... enjoy!!) We will likely eat (well, at least they will...), talk, cry (it's inevitable... I have cancer!) and shop (there's nothing like retail therapy! and, we can support breast cancer research at the same time at the Prime Outlets in Grove City... you know me, always multi-tasking! although, I'm trying to quit because I've read that it really isn't good for you...). Should produce some good pictures... and a much needed break from a rough post-treatment time. I love you girls!

Chemo #3

ugh... I'm not sure that there is any more succinct way to sum up the past 5 or so days. It has been rough this time but no one said it would be easy, so here we are! I'm so thankful that my mom could be here to keep the kids rolling on their usual schedules (and SO MANY thanks to the rest of you who regularly pitch in to make that happen... wow... we are so blessed to have you all in our lives!). Being mom, she also froze my languishing corn & tomatoes, cleaned my fridge, mended Parker's camo shorts that have been waiting for me to get-around-to-it all summer and did all of the ironing that bursts forth from a family of 5. (all of that to say, she stood in your shoes very nicely, Audrey! ha ha... ) I spent a lot of time feeling absolutely crummy, trying in vain to think of things to eat (all the while perusing Cooking Light, Real Simple, Fine Cooking and Food Network magazines drooling over what I'd like to be cooking and eating...) and desperately trying to convince myself of what everyone else has been championing... "halfway there"! However, all that I could usually come up with was, "I have to do this - with increasing difficulty - THREE more times????". ugh. I can't even begin to describe the feeling... the taste, the headaches, the fatigue... just the general drugged-out haze that is pervasive throughout. It is truly the most difficult thing that I have ever had to endure. And this time - especially - I felt like I was really negative. I'm disappointed in myself and sad that I wasn't better able to rise to the occasion. It wasn't like I was surprised that I didn't feel good or as if I thought it would be different. I just wasn't very strong in the face of evil. I caved to my sadness and the overall yuckiness of the situation. I'm sorry! And then naturally, yesterday, as I was finally starting to pray again in a more directed way (beyond, "please get me through this" and "please make this worth it for MANY, MANY years to come"), I picked up my little devotional by Sarah Young and read these words:

"When many things seem to be going wrong, trust Me. These are supernatural responses, and they can lift you above your circumstances. If you do what comes naturally in the face of difficulties, you may fall prey to negativism." (hmm... you think so???) ... "Cry out to Me in My Name! Affirm your trust in Me, regardless of how you feel."...

wow... what a great reminder of where I was and where I need to be. I guess that I have something (else) to be working on between now and October 20 (which comes up soooo much faster than you realize... I had a neighbor say to me right before this last treatment, "is it here already? It is not even me going through it and it seems like it comes up really quickly!" yes, it does!). It is so true that giving in to just a few complaints leads you down a road of negativism that it is tough to come back from. I know that I am not in this place to be negative and downtrodden but I am also realistic enough to know that I am not going to be able to achieve a positive outlook on any of this without the Lord's intervention. It truly is a supernatural response that only He is the author of, so my job is not to focus on "doing better" but relying better on Him for my strength and attitude. I'll keep you posted! (no internet humor intended...)

So... I'm starting to emerge from the haze slowly. I descended much faster this time and stayed down a lot longer. But it is getting a little bit better. However, now our dear little Dryden is quite sick (so sorry to anyone he came in contact with over the past several days!! it started out so innocently with a dry cough and ended up with an ongoing fever since Saturday afternoon) but as I now hear, it is making the rounds at school. Hopefully we'll get him turned around quickly so that he can get back to school and please pray that everyone else will remain healthy!

It is a totally new normal here and a huge learning experience on a daily basis. Your prayers mean so much to each of us (including those who are constantly giving of themselves and their time for us), especially when our strength is failing and our attitudes are suffering.