Another day, same position...

So, I started a entry yesterday and couldn't even bear to post it. Let's just say that I had quite the "poor me" day and was basically just irritable, sore and miserable. It just would've brought you all down too and what is the point of that?? Audrey and I were talking about it and we seem to remember something similar to this occurring with each prior surgery so that makes me feel a little bit better, but still... it wasn't pretty. I think that the reality of this situation is finally truly hitting home for me and it goes against (almost) every fiber of my being to just lounge around in bed all day. It's one thing for a week or even two (the first week was really just a blur in the hospital) but when it starts to sink in that you are going to be doing this for more than a MONTH... well, it is tough to take. I immediately had to start thinking about some structure and routines (because that is how I function best...). Start my day with some quiet time with the Lord (thanks for the great book, Jen Roush!! I'm really enjoying it... when I can hobble back over to the guest room - where I go to read when I can't sleep and don't want to keep Darin awake but can still stay virtually horizontal - I'll post some great quotes), get up with Darin to have my drains stripped (not nearly as fun as it sounds... ha ha and God love him he can still make suggestive comments in the midst of the drains, bandages and scars. THAT, my friends, is love), freshen up as much as possible (we only tackle the showering every other day and then only when Darin has the time to completely redo my bandages), downstairs for a little standing breakfast and then back to bed. I check email (it makes me feel somewhat connected to the outside world... I can rsvp for birthday parties for the kids, send brief thank yous until I'm able to sit up to write something better. By the way... I still have about 25 outstanding from my previous set... it was my goal to have them finished before this surgery - since I'm almost up to 25 new ones already - and you can see what happened to that... they are coming!!) and then I read stuff. I just got "Organic Manifesto" in the mail purchased with my Stonyfield Farm yogurt points and Halley dropped off "The Help" (remember Britt, SHE tore the cover, not me! ha ha) this morning. I'm still trying to do some NATA CEUs even though it is looking inevitable that I will have to apply for some sort of hardship because I am not going to come through with 80 by December 30. (which, for the record, there is no good plan for someone like me who basically just lost 2 years of her life... they just put things on hold until the next reporting period and then expect me to make up 160! yikes... something is not quite right about that) I do some more standing around lunchtime and then rest until Darin comes home so that I can do some more dinnertime standing before I convince him to hang out in bed with me to watch the little t.v. that Audrey brought over for us. (After he & Audrey take care of homework, practices, dinner dishes and whatever else is on his agenda) I get to read the occasional book to Neely before bed and Parker comes in to read to me before he goes to bed (right now he is really into that cool Bible that you sent, Rani. He is incredible... the Sunday before surgery he started reading Genesis in his real Bible on the way to church just because he wants to "know more things about God")... I try to assist with homework and direct traffic at other times of the day but really this is it for now. I hope to get a better handle on what my life will look like in coming weeks tomorrow when I see Dr. Gimbel to get these drains removed (hallelujah!!!! I'm over them in a big way...). I'd like to be able to go to some soccer and hockey games, maybe do something fun for Darin's birthday or something along those lines. However, in the meantime I am praying for all of you (a great exercise when you start to feel sorry for yourself), counting my blessings (they are vast and humbling) and practicing my PATIENCE. Praise the Lord He is patient with me!

Surgery Update

Hello all! So sorry that this never actually happened in Magee last week. As usual I was a little more incapacitated than I planned on being. I can't quite seem to gauge my physical response to surgery as well as I would like... in fact, I really did a lot of NOTHING besides being relentlessly poked and prodded by nurses, fellows & residents (literally... every hour for the first three days and every 2 hours after that!), sleeping and watching ridiculous t.v. (Project Runway marathon, anyone??). For the first three days I was too bleary-eyed from medication to read and all that I felt like doing was sleep (waking up every hour to be poked yet again...) after that I barely had the mental energy to get through one of the 6 new magazines that I had in the hospital with me! Needless to say, I was NOT up to typing!

Backing it all up for you... we arrived at the hospital bright and early on Monday morning and were all checked in, naked (sorry, this always annoys me for some reason. It's a little unsettling to be completely naked under a sheet knowing that very soon you will have no idea what is going on around you!) & waiting by 6:30ish. My projected surgery start time was 7:30 but I have no idea if that came off as planned or not. Everything was going very smoothly until they delivered the very unwelcome news that they would NOT be using my port! UGH. As you likely already know, I HATE i.v.s so this did stress me out a bit (which Darin found kind of comical since it really is such a minor part of such a big procedure!) but I managed to pull myself together. As always it was very tough to be wheeled away from Darin for the last time but in moments I was out. HUGE thank you to Grant for coming in during to the day to hang out with Darin and go to lunch with him. I know that it was stressful for him to just sit in the waiting room watching my # on the board (which basically said "In Surgery" for 8 full hours...) so that diversion was so greatly appreciated!! (and it makes me feel better knowing that he wasn't alone all day)

Praise the Lord I came out of anesthesia blissfully this time. I remember feeling so warm and cozy with my only complaint being extreme pain in my left arm. I desperately wanted to keep it bent up next to me (realizing later that this was because it was fully extended and strapped down for 8 hours!). I dozed off and on completely comfortably and didn't experience any nausea at all!! Once again it began to get later and later and I was starting to make sense of the recovery room nurses conversations that were mentioning things like "not enough nurses available", etc. etc. They finally brought Darin back to be with me around 6pm and we got to a room around 7:30pm. I remember that the nurse kept trying to get Darin to go to dinner because I could barely talk due to the dry mouth and I kept falling asleep (great company!) but he wouldn't budge and they finally gave him a chair. Over the next day or so he spent a lot of hours like that and I love you so much for it baby!!!!!!

Darin finally headed home around 9:30. I knew that he was exhausted and starving but we just have a hard time being apart so he didn't want to leave. However, it was made just a bit easier by another huge answer to prayer... GREAT nurses. I had some really wonderful ones (you know who you are Mary Kay, Frankie, Caitlin & Lauren) and several for multiple days and nights which made everything so much easier on us. Things were going swimmingly with the reconstructed breast (and from a medical standpoint it is fascinating what they can do!! I also had awesome residents and fellows who were more than willing to engage my curiosity and were drawing me diagrams of the vessel attachments, implanted Doppler locations and discussing pros and cons of various techniques and procedures) and everything else was pretty easy until they started wanting me to get out of bed. I'm not sure that I ever fully described what was going to be done and I'm not sure if I can really do it justice but I will try... they took my left gracilis muscle (small, useless adductor which could be considered part of your groin as it attaches to the pubic tubercle) and the fat & skin overlying it to reconstruct a breast. This leaves me with an incision down the inside of my left thigh as well as in my left buttock crease and left front groin area. All of that to try to explain that they do not want me to flex at the hip, abduct (move my left leg away from the midline of my body) or bend (in any manner) at the waist. Just for fun, lay in bed and then try to get out without doing any of those things! Then, try to get on the toilet... (remember, I'm a woman...) Basically it is a logistical nightmare of dramatic proportions! I can't tell you how much I miss sitting and it has only been 6 days! Being who I am and wanting to plan ahead a little I asked about how long I needed to be this careful (in order not to spring open a notoriously difficult wound healing spot or to create a much nastier scar than is already there) and the fellow told me that in a month the scar itself would be at about 10% the strength of normal skin. So.... it will be at least 6 weeks until I can sit (much at all...) and I have no idea when I would then be able to drive. Don't get me wrong, they did disclose all of this to us prior to surgery but it always comes across a little differently before you're there. I still believe that in the long run this is the best choice for me (given the other choices, none of which were to just put in some implants... unfortunately radiation ruined any hope of that for me) but I am ever more grateful and humbled by the amount of help we will need. Of course Grandma has already put in more time than you can imagine and Darin is just trying to do it all. We are so blessed to have all the rest of you praying, calling, texting, cooking, dropping off enormous mums & hot chocolate, sending cards, picking up our kids and just standing by us.

We truly felt all of your prayers in the hospital. I never once felt alone (no matter how much I missed Darin...) and I was so well cared for. He never leaves us or forsakes us whether we are on top of the mountain or struggling to go to the bathroom! Our God is an awesome God.

Today I am sad that I was not at Parker's soccer game in Mars or able to attend Dryden's tournament in Butler but I am happy to report that God is faithful and just and no matter what, His plan is perfect. I had to keep reminding myself of that fact when Darin brought Audrey and the kids in to see me Wednesday evening. I was sitting up (as much as I can... it's all relative at this point) and smiling and they all wanted to try to hug me when they first came in. Then as Dryden stood beside me holding my hand he started to waver and then to sob. Parker was next and Neely soon followed. Dryden was apologizing and Parker just kept saying to Darin that he wanted "mommy to be real". It was tough to see what a toll this has taken on them even though they have carried on so well in their usual routines. I know that God is holding each of them in the palm of His hand and my greater prayer is that we will help them to walk through this knowing His amazing love for us, His power (and how it is made perfect in our weakness) and the fact that even though we don't know the future, He does.

Back for more...

Just because I love the hospital soooo much, I thought that I'd check in for the next week. Good times! Ha ha... Seriously though, we are all set to report for surgery at 5:30am on Monday morning. I am completely thankful for such an early slot because now there will be no wiling away hungry hours waiting and getting anxious. I'm not sure of the exact time my procedure will start, but I'm guessing that it will be around 7:30 or so. We're expecting about 8 hours of surgery time and then who knows how long in recovery. I will likely be in the hospital until Friday sometime if all goes well. We so desire your prayers dear warriors!! I am kind of dreading spending that much time in the hospital and the cumbersome recovery that is to come, but I am feeling pretty ready to get it underway. My friend Jodi reminded me just recently of how God has "hemmed us in - behind and before" (Psalm 139:5). He has us covered! And, thankfully, so do all of you. Once again the meal brigade is in full force, the prayer warriors are all scheduled straight through the day and yes... GRANDMA is here!! The kids are in their glory (it didn't hurt that she arrived with those Lego games that they have been drooling over in the catalog... ha ha) and I can walk away from it all for 5 days knowing that really not much will change. :) So many of you have stepped in the transport our children to practices and games, pick up our farm bounty and just to be "on-call" for Grandma. WE ARE SO BLESSED!!! (I may have mentioned that before somewhere along the line, but it really bears repeating!) Thank you for standing by us so relentlessly and for keeping us in front of the Lord. I think that I have drifted in my focus a little bit this summer as I chased every little bit of fun and frolicking that I could in my "new-found" health, but let me tell you that you come right back to the heart of the matter quickly when surgery is back on the agenda. I'm embarrassed that I could so quickly lose some of that hard-won perspective, but I guess that I'm still learning and I'm still growing so that is all good! God is faithful, powerful, trustworthy and relentless Himself in His love for us.

I am looking forward to reporting "live" from Magee this week. I will try to keep you all posted on my progress and catch you up on some other impending issues that I've kind of been avoiding in the face of surgery... first things first, you know?

Thank you again for your prayers... I know that we feel them, we need them and we draw so much comfort in knowing that you are offering them on our behalf.