Resting

Hello there.  I am home and resting comfortably from my latest procedure.  How annoying to go through the anesthetic rigmarole, I.V. (for the record, it still hurts...) and medicinal grogginess yet again.  However, everything went very smoothly and Dr. Baer didn't find anything obvious to suggest issues.  Now we wait for the pathology to be sure.  I will return to see her in a couple of weeks, but knowing her she will call as soon as she gets the results.  I think that I'm feeling ok about the whole thing but it is never easy anymore to believe that everything is "fine".  Everything is in God's hands and I certainly feel fine about whatever He has planned, but that doesn't stop me from being normal and wondering what really is going on inside my body.

As usual, I had some great nurses and a wonderful nurse anesthetist this morning.  We had to be there at the crack of dawn, and as much as I love the snow, I am thankful that it wasn't more intrusive today.  A HUGE shout out to my good friend Sarah who took all three of our kids overnight because it would just be "easier" (Darin's first comment was, "I didn't think that Sarah was that crazy..."  ha ha).  We dropped them off after caroling practice for the kids at the community center (such a great idea, Catherine!  Can't wait to hear them in action on the 23rd...) and Sarah put Dryden & Parker on the bus for us, keeping Neely to play with her boys until we could get back to get her.  (and thanks for the lunch too... Dryden was stressed about the thought of randomly buying... )  They were all a little stressed about me going back into the hospital (Parker broke down in tears yesterday afternoon... I guess that it just scares them), but hopefully this is the last time for awhile.

So, I think that I'll lie pretty low today and then get back into the swing of Christmas planning tomorrow.  I still have quite a bit of baking to do as well as some shopping.  Darin & I may try to get away this week to finish up some things for the kids.  We are looking forward to enjoying some time with just our immediate family as well as my extended family.  The kids are anxious to see Grammy & Grampy and to spend some time with their faraway cousins.  We won't see Audrey this time around (Neely just mentioned a day or so ago that she wishes Grandma would sell "Colorado" and just live here... ha ha), she will be with Darin's brother and then do some fun traveling before coming back for some nice springtime weather!  (and one more surgery... follow-up to the reconstruction... it is always something!)  Since we saw Grandpa for Thanksgiving it will likely be Parker's birthday (their shared birthday...) until we catch up with him again.  In the meantime, we will bake, eat, visit, skate and relax together.  We are looking forward to a couple of "quiet" weeks just being together and savoring the birth of our Savior!  Thank you again for the many ways that you all have blessed us again this year.  We are carried onward by your love and prayers.

Christmas Craziness!

I absolutely love this time of year, but I have to say that rejoining the regular stream of life right at Thanksgiving time has made me feel perpetually behind the 8-ball this time around!  whew...  I still haven't really started my holiday baking.  The holiday will be over before I make any traditional treats! 

We had a great trip to Durango, CO to visit Darin's dad & brother over the holiday.  We got to do some sledding and snowmobiling as well as take a ride on the Durango-Silverton railroad for a Polar Express re-enactment that was replete with the best hot chocolate on earth and falling snow.  It was quite picturesque!  We love Durango and made sure that partake of all of our favorite things while there (Tequila's salsa, Honeyville and Mama's Boy calzones, to name a few of the eats! Mario Bros on Grandpa's new Wii, if you're Parker...).  Thanks for putting up with the craziness of a family of 5, Grandpa!

Yesterday was my yearly CBS (Community Bible Study - for the uninitiated) Christmas Tea and as I chatted with some women that I don't know as well (it is a HUGE study with over a hundred ladies), I was reminded of how much I have to be thankful for in this crazy cancer journey.  This year I am thankful that I am not still bald (as much as I don't really like my hair...) and not fresh out of chemo anticipating radiation.  And although I am still receiving Zoladex injections (I specifically asked this time.  Figured that I should have some idea of what they are injecting into my body...) and anticipating a D&C on Monday... I am currently at peace with this as my life and am physically feeling better and better.  Hooray!

This morning I read this from Sarah Young...

"Instead of yearning for a problem-free life, rejoice that trouble can highlight your awareness of My Presence.  In the darkness of adversity, you are able to see more clearly the radiance of My Face.  Accept the value of problems in this life, considering them pure joy. (whew... isn't that asking a lot and does it make me crazy to do so??   But, according to James 1:2 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds.", this is just what we are called to as Christians) Remember that you have an eternity of trouble-free living awaiting you in heaven.

So... here we are.  Trouble is just part of life on earth.  And, it does apply to me...not just to other people.  I'm ok with that and I continually pray that God gives me the grace each day to deal with whatever is next.  May He help me live each moment according to His plan!

Whirlwind...

That pretty well sums up the past several weeks that I have been absent from this site!  So sorry!!  As my friend Cortney says, "I can always tell when you are feeling better... you stop posting!".  ha ha... So, I guess that is all good, but I don't want to just wander away (especially in light of my revelation that this isn't ever actually going to go away and I will continue to need all of your prayers!) leaving you all wondering whatever has become of us. 

I spent the past couple of MOBILE weeks (hallelujah!!  I'm not kidding in the slightest when I tell you that Darin really didn't think this was ever going to heal...) catching up on all of the things that I hadn't been doing and making the most of my time with Grandma still around.  It is amazing how great it can be to get groceries, go to the bus stop and simply drive!  I've gotten a lot of Christmas shopping done, had lunch with just about everyone that I know and semi-prepared myself to start taking care of my own life once again.  I'm finally feeling as if I might actually be ok on my own... Audrey packed up and headed back to Denver (or, "Coloroada", according the Neely...) this past weekend.  It was a teary moment for all of us (although I'm not sure if hers were tears of joy or sorrow... ha ha!) because we get very used to having her around when she is here and it is tough for the kids to understand that it is really "all" or "nothing" with this kind of distance.  Many of our neighbors and friends have grown close to her as well, so we will all be anxiously awaiting her return next spring.  And this time, it will be all for fun!  (or, at least mainly for fun... seems that I am not ever really going to be free of appointments and injections)

I kicked off my return to normal life by returning to church (fitting, really...) on Oct. 31st.  I won't say that it was the most comfortable experience, but I sat through the whole thing!  Then we celebrated the birthday of one of our closest friend's at one of our favorite places (Jimmy Wan's - special thanks to the Karr family for knowing that we love it there...).  The very next day was Neely's 6th birthday party with several little girlfriends from the neighborhood. (Hence the photo...)  It all went very well and she is now a big 3 year old!!  In the midst of all of the fun, I also returned to Magee for my second suppression shot (if I actually knew the name of the drug I would tell you, but it seems that I have stopped paying attention to such "minor" details!).  It went much more smoothly than the first but I'm not sure if that is because I knew what to expect or if it was done better... it was pretty funny that when the nurse called me back, she took one look at me and said, "oh... I was hoping that you'd be bigger" (apparently this torture is easier to give with greater belly girth... ha ha).  Next, I returned to my gynecologist to discuss my upcoming D&C.  Everyone still believes that this is the best course of action even though they are fairly convinced that my recent bleeding was due to a return to normal female functioning.  (As it turns out, my endometrial lining is thicker than it should be and given my increased risks for endometrial cancer and other female cancers, they just want to be "sure")  That is now set for Dec. 13 and your prayers would be greatly appreciated!!  After that we went back to Dr. Gimble, our plastic surgeon.  He is pleased with my progress thus far and told me that I was cleared to do "everything".  I said, "great, I want to get back to doing lunges and squats".  To which he immediately said, "but I don't think that you should be doing that!".  Darin was thinking that he should probably consider his audience when he says that you are cleared to do EVERYTHING.  ha ha...  So... all of that to say that I am easing back into exercise (YAY!!) and everything else that I used to do (good-bye Amanda with your cleaning prowess... I will miss you! ha ha).  However, I still have much healing to do so I will not see him again until about February and will have my follow-up surgery around Marchish.  I'll keep you posted!

Of the many devotionals and verses that have stuck out to me over the past month, I jotted this one down to specifically include here.  It is from Stormie Omartian's book, "Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On".

"God's call on all of us is to be a light to those who are in darkness, but sometimes He has to take us through our own darkness so we will learn to depend totally on His light."

I pray that this is what I get from the journey through this darkness.  Learning to depend solely on His light is such a gift for navigating life.  So often we ask ourselves why we are here or if wherever we are in life is "all there is".  In this book, Stormie reminds us that in order to hear God's call on our lives (because there is one for everyone), we must be expecting it.  And sometimes that call, leads us through the darkest places that we can imagine in order to prepare us to fulfill it.  Not an easy idea but one that we don't tackle alone or under our own power.  I've said it before and I'll say it again... I'm thankful for this opportunity.  And thank you all for your prayers and suggestions about where it should go from here!

The Waiting

"The waiting is essential to ensure...structural uniform strength to accomplish its end use" (the development of its real strength...) - Pastor Kelvin Walker

hmm... many people ask the question, can you hear God speaking?  I don't know... can you hear it???  If I can't hear God's voice in these words from Pastor Kelvin, then I must be deaf.  This was part of a description of metallurgics and how metal is heated & cooled to become what it needs to be.  How fascinating that nature and everything else that we have "come up with" happens to mimic God's creation and His plan for working in us... as Rock likes to say... "God is borderline genius"... ha ha.  Kelvin goes on to say, that progress comes in the process.  I love that.  THAT is encouraging to me.  Not only in my physical health but in my spiritual journey.  Progress is coming in this process of learning to be patient, learning to live my life amidst cancer & treatment rather than free again from it, learning to rely on others to get through my daily life, learning to let go of "my way" of doing everything (at least for a time, because it IS still the best way... right Janelle???  ha ha)... it is comforting to know that in all of these things, I am making progress to my perfect "end use"!!

And, as if this wasn't enough of a message that my "waiting" is a very important time in my growth and development in the Lord, Sarah Young follows that up with this devotional today (emphasis is mine):

"Lie down in green pastures of Peace.  Learn to unwind whenever possible, resting in the Presence of your Shepherd.  This electronic age keeps My children "wired" much of the time, too tense to find Me in the midst of their moments.  I built into your very being the need for rest.  How twisted the world has become when people feel guilty about meeting this basic need!  How much time and energy they waste by being always on the go, rather than taking time to seek My direction for their lives.

I have called you to walk with Me down paths of Peace.  I want you to blaze a trail for others who desire to live in My peaceful Presence.  I have chosen you less for your strengths than for your weaknesses, which amplify your need for Me.  Depend on Me more, and I will shower Peace on all your paths."

How can we ever hear the still, small voice when we fill every moment of our lives with noise??  Why are we so loathe to slow down and listen?  Are we afraid of what we might hear?  Our kids are too busy, we are too busy and then we are surprised when the wheels fall off.  We cry out to the Lord and we don't even know what His voice sounds like so how can we hear His answers?

Lord... help me to actively wait with You here today.  Slow me down when my life picks up speed again and remind me regularly to take quiet time with You.  I think that it is fair to say that one of my biggest fears now in returning to my normal pace is that I will forget what I have learned while I have been waiting...

Two steps forward and one step back...

Remember how I said that this is around the time when things can start popping open?  And by "things" I'm talking about all of the scars crisscrossing my leg and chest.  (I like to think that I'm an overachiever having had the really big incision explosion about two weeks early...) Well... after that little excursion to see Parker play hockey and some increased activity around the house (I'm going crazy here people and I am feeling better!!), we noticed that the incision a little further down my leg looks to be separating a bit.  Needless to say, I've been ushered back into my bed to lounge almost full-time and I'm none too happy about it!  But while I've been sitting here wiling away the days I've been trying to think about ways to turn reading, researching and writing into something that would contribute in a financial way to our family.  I've tossed around the idea of putting ads on this site (I'm struggling with how that would commercialize me...) and I've been looking into some freelance writing (I'm really not feeling this so far... it just doesn't seem like the right venue for me).  I'd appreciate your prayers about all of this too.  So many of you have said things like I should write a book or a devotional (what would I do, just copy all of Jesus Calling??  I don't think that Sarah Young or her lawyers would appreciate that...) but I just don't know.  I enjoy writing about where I am in the moment but I'm not an expert at anything and am not really sure that there is a wide audience for what I have to say... any thoughts??  I have no doubt that God has a plan for my cancer which has to include all of this time for reflection and contemplation.  I just wish that I knew what those next steps looked like...

Maybe one of them is to PRAISE. 

"The best response to losses or thwarted hopes is praise. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. Remember that all good things - your possessions, your family and friends, your health and abilities, your time - are gifts from Me. Instead of feeling entitled to all these blessings, respond to them with gratitude. Be prepared to let go of anything I take from you, but never let go of My hand!"

I read this this morning in "Jesus Calling" (where else??) and it really hit home.  I am not entitled to any of the blessings that God has given me and am I as regularly thankful for them as I should be?  I think living in a state of grateful worship takes practice.  Let me let go of the things that He has removed and welcome those that He is choosing to add... may I be thankful for them all!

Another year older...

is my devoted partner in life today.  Happy Birthday Baby!!!  I promise, one of these years I won't be bed-ridden or deathly ill (last year I planned a surprise party only to be in the midst of my sickest chemo month... who knew??).  However, we are going to make the very best of it with a Gene Wenger hamloaf (one of those vestiges of Lancaster County that we cling to and share among our Pittsburgh friends...), Parker's debut at the Consol Energy Center (he promised to skate over the "big penguin" for me...) and the RMU/Air Force game immediately following.  Now, I won't be present for all of that, but it sure sounds like a good time.  I'm going to try to make it through PJ's performance and get some pictures (they are missed, eh??) but Audrey is going to have to stand in (ha ha, no pun intended... she'll actually get to sit) for me after that.

As I write this today, I have just finished listening to Rock's latest sermon online, read a little Sarah Young (more on that later) and am listening to Brandon Heath ("I'm not who I was"... this is a song that I really identify with... U.Steve, he reminds me a lot of the type of music that you play...).  The weather is beautiful and I AM BLESSED.  Today I read in Jesus Calling: 

"If you must consider upcoming events, follow these rules: 1) Do not linger in the future, because anxieties sprout up like mushrooms when you wander there..."

What amazing imagery!  And... how true.  I am in touch with the one who holds the future and He's got it all figured out.  I'm along for the ride and what a ride it is!

We're looking at a new week and feeling some improvement.  HOORAY.  I don't want to get too excited since this is the timeframe that they initially warned me about.  I guess that the risks to the incision (believe it or not there are parts that have held together up to now) are greatest at about this point in the healing process.  So, I'll still be taking it easy and doing a lot of lounging but we are finally headed in the right direction.  Mom left yesterday afternoon after spending several days with us and Audrey will be back on helping duty.  It has been like a dream come true for the kids to have them around so much.  At dinner the other night, Dryden prayed about how thankful he was that "all" his family was together again.  So sweet...  We are so overwhelmed with thankfulness for our mothers' devotion to our family.  Thank you, thank you!  We do know that you have better things to do... things that are less demanding and more fun (although, who doesn't want to play Candyland 85 times a day, play legos or listen to Parker read "Origami Yoda" for the 5th time?), but you have sacrificed for us yet again and we love you for it!!

Zometa and more

Tuesday brought a return to Magee for more poking, prodding and WAITING. I was a little apprehensive to begin with since we have been known to wait for hours to see Dr. Puhalla in the past and I wasn't sure what that would look like for someone who can't sit. Fortunately I only had to hang out in the waiting area (standing and feeling just a little foolish as I filled out my forms) for a few minutes before I was called back for the weighing, blood pressure and bloodwork stuff (all accomplished standing or lying on the very uncomfortable exam table with the pull out footrest). Then the research nurse came along (presumably to make sure that I hadn't developed that disfiguring jaw-wasting disease attributed to Zometa) followed by Dr. Puhalla's PA. Thinking that it would only be a matter of minutes before I saw Dr. P herself, I never asked for a magazine or my bag (way far away from where I was lying on a very high table). After waiting there by myself for at least an HOUR AND A HALF, I finally saw Dr. Puhalla. It didn't take long to determine that she is pretty sure that I am coming out of chemo-induced menopause so she would like my ovaries suppressed ASAP. She told me that it just involves an "injection". She also wants me to pursue the D&C prescribed by my gynecologist to rule out any rogue endometrial issues. I'm thinking that, due to my current condition, this won't happen before December sometime. Sounds like fun! By this time Halley (in the waiting room with 20lbs. of Elle magazines...) has succumbed to the free, push-button coffee (although, it isn't actually as bad as it sounds) and wondering if I've been permanently ensconced in the twisting halls of the Magee Women's Cancer Center (I remember one of these appointments during chemo when Nikki actually texted me to make sure that she was where she was supposed to be and that I was too!). We hung around - standing - for awhile longer before they called me back for the Zometa infusion. Unfortunately the "reclining" chemo chairs really weren't designed for the post-gracilis reconstruction patient so it was an uncomfortable 30 or so minutes there. But all of this was nothing compared to the ovarian suppressing "injection" that was coming up... first the head nurse intercepted the nurse assisting me offering to "finish up here" and then she pulled the curtain (I wasn't even aware that there were curtains and I've been attending there regularly for over a year!) completely around us taping it to the wall to keep it closed. Halley decided that this may be a good time to step out (at least one of us had the good sense to run!) and the nurse pulled out a very large needle. She pinched up my stomach and slid it slowly under my skin before injecting a pellet under my skin!! I was so shocked and baffled that I almost burst into tears (if Darin would've been there, I'm sure that I would've). It hurt so badly and no one had prepared me for what was coming! I have Stage III breast cancer and have endured three surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation and countless other minor, painful procedures. Did no one think that I could handle the truth???? I do not like surprises in the hospital and this was almost more than I could endure. And to think that I need to do it monthly for the first three months and then every three months "for now". Honestly!! The head nurse told me that as soon as they see this drug on someone's chart the nurses start trying to find a way out of administering it because they know how bad it is. I can see why! So... by the time that I finally got home (from my 9:15 appointment) at 1:30 I was exhausted, sore and a little bit miserable. Tuesday was not a good day.

But, today is Thursday and Thursday is a better day. I've seen a lot of friends in the past couple of days and Darin and I have definitively decided that my gaping hole has not gotten worse. (there for awhile we really weren't sure...) I even read a little uplifting blurb from Sarah Young this morning:

"Bearing your circumstances bravely - even thanking Me for them - is one of the highest forms of praise. This sacrifice of thanksgiving rings golden-toned bells of Joy throughout the heavenly realms. On earth also, your patient suffering sends out ripples of good tidings in ever-widening circles."

I'm not sure that I have really born them bravely or endured patiently enough, but I do feel thankful and I'm working on the rest! Thank you all for enduring this roller coaster of emotions along with me. I think that for a very long time I have been waiting for it ALL to be over (so I could just "get on with my life") and now it is slowly sinking in that that point will never actually come. Appointments, needles, changing medications, tests, bloodwork and doctors ARE my life. I'm never going to be able to tuck breast cancer in my back pocket as something that I once went through. But I think it will serve me well to be reminded on a regular basis from whence I have come. It's like my own personal communion service reminding me of Christ's sacrifice and how I then should live. I don't think that it would be wise to just "get on with my life"... and this way, I'll never forget what I have learned along the way.

Gut Check

"You have been on a long, uphill journey and your energy is almost spent. Though you have faltered at times, you have not let go of My hand. I am pleased with your desire to stay close to Me. There is one thing, however, that displeases Me: your tendency to complain. You may talk to Me as much as you like about the difficulty of the path we are following. I understand better than anyone else the stresses and strains that have afflicted you. You can ventilate safely to Me, because talking with Me tempers your thoughts and helps you see things from My perspective.

Complaining to others is another matter altogether. It opens the door to deadly sins such as self-pity and rage. Whenever you are tempted to grumble, come to Me and talk it out. As you open up to Me, I will put My thoughts in your mind and My song in your heart."

Jesus Calling, Oct. 9, 2010 (by Sarah Young - in case you are just joining us here...)


I've been asking the Lord why He seems far away and why it has been difficult to hear His voice... and then I opened up my devotional to read these very pointed words and I think now the answer is clear. It is so interesting to me that I have been doing the exact opposite of this. I have tried to remain positive in my attempts at prayer and communion with Christ and vented all of my frustrations to all of you. Just when you think that you are starting to really mature in your walk, you realize how much more you have to learn! So many of you have so graciously agreed that I have much to be frustrated by, but in truth... we are so blessed and I am incredibly fortunate. This surgery, while debilitating and painful, is a miracle of modern science. The physical results are astounding and my surgeon is the only one doing this type of reconstruction in this area. The fact that I even had the opportunity to have such a procedure is a gift from God. But beyond all of those basic wonders... there is the fact that I was given an assignment from Him and I have at times lost sight of that. It is an honor to be used of God and one that I do not take lightly. This cancer (and all of its subsequent procedures, appointments and side-effects) is an opportunity to be more open about my faith than I likely would have ever had (or taken...). The truth of the matter is that I live to serve the Lord and my entire life is an attempt to reflect Jesus to everyone around me. The gift of salvation is life-transforming and if I truly believe that, then there is nothing more important that I can tell you or give to my children. It fills the emptiness, answers the question of why we are here and gives purpose to every step of the human journey. I am grateful - yes, grateful - for cancer, for pain, for reflection and for perspective. I am grateful for the chance to grow in faith and to share it with all of you. I am real, I am human and I struggle, but I am made perfect in my weakness by the Creator of my soul.

Better day...

We went back to see Dr. Gimbel (plastic surgeon) again today. I've talked with his nurse Judy (she should add "counselor" to her title...) several times since the incision in my leg split open and she called me Tuesday to say, "he wants to see you Thursday, can you come in?". It didn't seem to us that we were making much, if any, progress in healing this big open area so in we went. Neither Dr. Gimbel or Judy seemed the slightest bit phased by the big gaping hole in my leg (which Darin described - he saw it for the first time today since we have had a visiting nurse, which is a story for another day... changing the dressings for the past several days - as looking as though it were groomed with a cheese grater. This is also how it feels... RAW). Dr. Gimbel took out some exposed stitches which he said the body treats like foreign objects once they have been exposed. It seems that they stitched up the inside of the incision and then glued the outer portion (if that makes any sense...) and once it came open, exposing the stitches, it was having difficulty healing. He is still saying that it will take several weeks for it to heal up but he is also still giving me the green light to slowly increase my sitting and activity level. I'm very nervous to do this because it seems very counterintuitive to the healing process (especially where this is located...). So... I'll be taking it slow while I have the help in order to be at full capacity once Audrey is on her way to greener, less kid & laundry-filled pastures! The breast seems to be doing well (no one has really spent too much time on that and it is what this is all about, right??) although there is some firmness which he said "may be fat necrosis" (for the unmedically initiated, that means death due to lack of blood supply). However, it has only been just over two weeks so we will just be watching that and waiting to see what happens between now and when I see him again in 6 weeks. There will eventually be another procedure to complete the breast but he wants to potentially hold off on that longer than the usual 3 months to make sure that there isn't any other revision that we will need to do to the leg scars. That way everything can be taken care of in one procedure (and that works for me as I am about procedured to death!).

So... I think that we came away (eating fabulous Whole Foods scones and sipping some Starbucks) feeling encouraged despite the lack of obvious progress in healing. It mustn't look too bad to him because at one point he said, "what are you, a month out?". What?? It feels like it, but it has only be a little over 2 weeks... Regardless it gives me hope that I will be able to join Darin and the boys on his birthday at the new Consol Energy Center (where the Penguins play) to watch Parker skate between periods of an RMU club game and then the RMU varsity game against Air Force. That is what Darin has been wanting to do for his birthday since before we new that Parker had been chosen to skate and it has been my goal in healing to be able to get there. We'll see!! At least it is finally seeming like there is at least a possiblity of it happening.

As always we are more than grateful for the fantastic meals and the continued prayers of everyone around us. We know that we are so well covered and we wish that there were something that we could do to show you what all of this means to us...

Setback...

Of course there would be. It is really no surprise... but why does it come with such a huge does of frustration and aggravation? I guess that's all me. (you can see how far I've come with my "patience" lesson, eh??) Good grief. It was a bad weekend around here after my incision starting opening up a bit on Thursday evening ending up to be around a 2inch by 1inch gap. It makes me afraid to do anything and Darin irate when I attempt silly things like getting the mail and helping out at home. It is just so difficult for me to stay stuck in bed listening to all that is swirling about and not be up in the middle of it. I HATE IT. (just in case that message hasn't gotten across just yet...) We missed a stellar "progressive" Steelers party with our crazy neighborhood gang yesterday and we kind of just stayed at home and stewed (aside from a busy sports line-up for the boys all weekend). ugh... momma said there'd be days like these, and here they are!

I've been struggling a bit to hear the voice of God amidst all my own whining (hmmm, I wonder why that has been so tough??) and was incredibly annoyed when I realized yesterday morning that the laptop I am currently using must not have internal speakers since the sermon that I attempted to listen to had no sound! So instead, I picked up the great book that I have been reading "Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On" (by Stormie Omartian) which has had some incredible insights for dark days and then read the October 3rd passage from my friend, Sarah Young who reminded me to:

"Affirm your trust in Me, regardless of how you feel, Thank Me for everything, though this seems unnatural - even irrational. Gradually you will begin to ascend, recovering your lost ground."

wow... that sounds HARD but I am trying and praying and trying to listen in my praying for what God wants from me today in my resting, in my marriage (I'm finding that all of this crap about ME for the past 18 or so months isn't making me the best spouse in the world...), in my parenting (please more prayers for PJ... he is a tough nut and we are having more difficulties with his attitude towards so many things... pray that we will handle them appropriately and lead him adequately) and in all the relationships that are helping me along this way (particularly with the visiting nurses who truly seem clueless!!! Talk about frustration?!??).

Thank you all for your continued prayers for our whole family (and network of caregivers) they are definitely what is carrying us along this very difficult path. We are eating so well (thank you everyone!!) and the kids are having a blast (Karen... you are too much to take Neely this morning with no kiddos of your own! She had a fabulous time). We know that we are so blessed to be so well-covered and we don't take that lightly. I am hanging in there and anxiously awaiting the day when most of the physical aspects of this cancer crazytrain are behind us but at the same time trying to absorb all that God has for me here at this very point in life. Please don't let me miss what you have for me Lord!

Another day, same position...

So, I started a entry yesterday and couldn't even bear to post it. Let's just say that I had quite the "poor me" day and was basically just irritable, sore and miserable. It just would've brought you all down too and what is the point of that?? Audrey and I were talking about it and we seem to remember something similar to this occurring with each prior surgery so that makes me feel a little bit better, but still... it wasn't pretty. I think that the reality of this situation is finally truly hitting home for me and it goes against (almost) every fiber of my being to just lounge around in bed all day. It's one thing for a week or even two (the first week was really just a blur in the hospital) but when it starts to sink in that you are going to be doing this for more than a MONTH... well, it is tough to take. I immediately had to start thinking about some structure and routines (because that is how I function best...). Start my day with some quiet time with the Lord (thanks for the great book, Jen Roush!! I'm really enjoying it... when I can hobble back over to the guest room - where I go to read when I can't sleep and don't want to keep Darin awake but can still stay virtually horizontal - I'll post some great quotes), get up with Darin to have my drains stripped (not nearly as fun as it sounds... ha ha and God love him he can still make suggestive comments in the midst of the drains, bandages and scars. THAT, my friends, is love), freshen up as much as possible (we only tackle the showering every other day and then only when Darin has the time to completely redo my bandages), downstairs for a little standing breakfast and then back to bed. I check email (it makes me feel somewhat connected to the outside world... I can rsvp for birthday parties for the kids, send brief thank yous until I'm able to sit up to write something better. By the way... I still have about 25 outstanding from my previous set... it was my goal to have them finished before this surgery - since I'm almost up to 25 new ones already - and you can see what happened to that... they are coming!!) and then I read stuff. I just got "Organic Manifesto" in the mail purchased with my Stonyfield Farm yogurt points and Halley dropped off "The Help" (remember Britt, SHE tore the cover, not me! ha ha) this morning. I'm still trying to do some NATA CEUs even though it is looking inevitable that I will have to apply for some sort of hardship because I am not going to come through with 80 by December 30. (which, for the record, there is no good plan for someone like me who basically just lost 2 years of her life... they just put things on hold until the next reporting period and then expect me to make up 160! yikes... something is not quite right about that) I do some more standing around lunchtime and then rest until Darin comes home so that I can do some more dinnertime standing before I convince him to hang out in bed with me to watch the little t.v. that Audrey brought over for us. (After he & Audrey take care of homework, practices, dinner dishes and whatever else is on his agenda) I get to read the occasional book to Neely before bed and Parker comes in to read to me before he goes to bed (right now he is really into that cool Bible that you sent, Rani. He is incredible... the Sunday before surgery he started reading Genesis in his real Bible on the way to church just because he wants to "know more things about God")... I try to assist with homework and direct traffic at other times of the day but really this is it for now. I hope to get a better handle on what my life will look like in coming weeks tomorrow when I see Dr. Gimbel to get these drains removed (hallelujah!!!! I'm over them in a big way...). I'd like to be able to go to some soccer and hockey games, maybe do something fun for Darin's birthday or something along those lines. However, in the meantime I am praying for all of you (a great exercise when you start to feel sorry for yourself), counting my blessings (they are vast and humbling) and practicing my PATIENCE. Praise the Lord He is patient with me!

Surgery Update

Hello all! So sorry that this never actually happened in Magee last week. As usual I was a little more incapacitated than I planned on being. I can't quite seem to gauge my physical response to surgery as well as I would like... in fact, I really did a lot of NOTHING besides being relentlessly poked and prodded by nurses, fellows & residents (literally... every hour for the first three days and every 2 hours after that!), sleeping and watching ridiculous t.v. (Project Runway marathon, anyone??). For the first three days I was too bleary-eyed from medication to read and all that I felt like doing was sleep (waking up every hour to be poked yet again...) after that I barely had the mental energy to get through one of the 6 new magazines that I had in the hospital with me! Needless to say, I was NOT up to typing!

Backing it all up for you... we arrived at the hospital bright and early on Monday morning and were all checked in, naked (sorry, this always annoys me for some reason. It's a little unsettling to be completely naked under a sheet knowing that very soon you will have no idea what is going on around you!) & waiting by 6:30ish. My projected surgery start time was 7:30 but I have no idea if that came off as planned or not. Everything was going very smoothly until they delivered the very unwelcome news that they would NOT be using my port! UGH. As you likely already know, I HATE i.v.s so this did stress me out a bit (which Darin found kind of comical since it really is such a minor part of such a big procedure!) but I managed to pull myself together. As always it was very tough to be wheeled away from Darin for the last time but in moments I was out. HUGE thank you to Grant for coming in during to the day to hang out with Darin and go to lunch with him. I know that it was stressful for him to just sit in the waiting room watching my # on the board (which basically said "In Surgery" for 8 full hours...) so that diversion was so greatly appreciated!! (and it makes me feel better knowing that he wasn't alone all day)

Praise the Lord I came out of anesthesia blissfully this time. I remember feeling so warm and cozy with my only complaint being extreme pain in my left arm. I desperately wanted to keep it bent up next to me (realizing later that this was because it was fully extended and strapped down for 8 hours!). I dozed off and on completely comfortably and didn't experience any nausea at all!! Once again it began to get later and later and I was starting to make sense of the recovery room nurses conversations that were mentioning things like "not enough nurses available", etc. etc. They finally brought Darin back to be with me around 6pm and we got to a room around 7:30pm. I remember that the nurse kept trying to get Darin to go to dinner because I could barely talk due to the dry mouth and I kept falling asleep (great company!) but he wouldn't budge and they finally gave him a chair. Over the next day or so he spent a lot of hours like that and I love you so much for it baby!!!!!!

Darin finally headed home around 9:30. I knew that he was exhausted and starving but we just have a hard time being apart so he didn't want to leave. However, it was made just a bit easier by another huge answer to prayer... GREAT nurses. I had some really wonderful ones (you know who you are Mary Kay, Frankie, Caitlin & Lauren) and several for multiple days and nights which made everything so much easier on us. Things were going swimmingly with the reconstructed breast (and from a medical standpoint it is fascinating what they can do!! I also had awesome residents and fellows who were more than willing to engage my curiosity and were drawing me diagrams of the vessel attachments, implanted Doppler locations and discussing pros and cons of various techniques and procedures) and everything else was pretty easy until they started wanting me to get out of bed. I'm not sure that I ever fully described what was going to be done and I'm not sure if I can really do it justice but I will try... they took my left gracilis muscle (small, useless adductor which could be considered part of your groin as it attaches to the pubic tubercle) and the fat & skin overlying it to reconstruct a breast. This leaves me with an incision down the inside of my left thigh as well as in my left buttock crease and left front groin area. All of that to try to explain that they do not want me to flex at the hip, abduct (move my left leg away from the midline of my body) or bend (in any manner) at the waist. Just for fun, lay in bed and then try to get out without doing any of those things! Then, try to get on the toilet... (remember, I'm a woman...) Basically it is a logistical nightmare of dramatic proportions! I can't tell you how much I miss sitting and it has only been 6 days! Being who I am and wanting to plan ahead a little I asked about how long I needed to be this careful (in order not to spring open a notoriously difficult wound healing spot or to create a much nastier scar than is already there) and the fellow told me that in a month the scar itself would be at about 10% the strength of normal skin. So.... it will be at least 6 weeks until I can sit (much at all...) and I have no idea when I would then be able to drive. Don't get me wrong, they did disclose all of this to us prior to surgery but it always comes across a little differently before you're there. I still believe that in the long run this is the best choice for me (given the other choices, none of which were to just put in some implants... unfortunately radiation ruined any hope of that for me) but I am ever more grateful and humbled by the amount of help we will need. Of course Grandma has already put in more time than you can imagine and Darin is just trying to do it all. We are so blessed to have all the rest of you praying, calling, texting, cooking, dropping off enormous mums & hot chocolate, sending cards, picking up our kids and just standing by us.

We truly felt all of your prayers in the hospital. I never once felt alone (no matter how much I missed Darin...) and I was so well cared for. He never leaves us or forsakes us whether we are on top of the mountain or struggling to go to the bathroom! Our God is an awesome God.

Today I am sad that I was not at Parker's soccer game in Mars or able to attend Dryden's tournament in Butler but I am happy to report that God is faithful and just and no matter what, His plan is perfect. I had to keep reminding myself of that fact when Darin brought Audrey and the kids in to see me Wednesday evening. I was sitting up (as much as I can... it's all relative at this point) and smiling and they all wanted to try to hug me when they first came in. Then as Dryden stood beside me holding my hand he started to waver and then to sob. Parker was next and Neely soon followed. Dryden was apologizing and Parker just kept saying to Darin that he wanted "mommy to be real". It was tough to see what a toll this has taken on them even though they have carried on so well in their usual routines. I know that God is holding each of them in the palm of His hand and my greater prayer is that we will help them to walk through this knowing His amazing love for us, His power (and how it is made perfect in our weakness) and the fact that even though we don't know the future, He does.

Back for more...

Just because I love the hospital soooo much, I thought that I'd check in for the next week. Good times! Ha ha... Seriously though, we are all set to report for surgery at 5:30am on Monday morning. I am completely thankful for such an early slot because now there will be no wiling away hungry hours waiting and getting anxious. I'm not sure of the exact time my procedure will start, but I'm guessing that it will be around 7:30 or so. We're expecting about 8 hours of surgery time and then who knows how long in recovery. I will likely be in the hospital until Friday sometime if all goes well. We so desire your prayers dear warriors!! I am kind of dreading spending that much time in the hospital and the cumbersome recovery that is to come, but I am feeling pretty ready to get it underway. My friend Jodi reminded me just recently of how God has "hemmed us in - behind and before" (Psalm 139:5). He has us covered! And, thankfully, so do all of you. Once again the meal brigade is in full force, the prayer warriors are all scheduled straight through the day and yes... GRANDMA is here!! The kids are in their glory (it didn't hurt that she arrived with those Lego games that they have been drooling over in the catalog... ha ha) and I can walk away from it all for 5 days knowing that really not much will change. :) So many of you have stepped in the transport our children to practices and games, pick up our farm bounty and just to be "on-call" for Grandma. WE ARE SO BLESSED!!! (I may have mentioned that before somewhere along the line, but it really bears repeating!) Thank you for standing by us so relentlessly and for keeping us in front of the Lord. I think that I have drifted in my focus a little bit this summer as I chased every little bit of fun and frolicking that I could in my "new-found" health, but let me tell you that you come right back to the heart of the matter quickly when surgery is back on the agenda. I'm embarrassed that I could so quickly lose some of that hard-won perspective, but I guess that I'm still learning and I'm still growing so that is all good! God is faithful, powerful, trustworthy and relentless Himself in His love for us.

I am looking forward to reporting "live" from Magee this week. I will try to keep you all posted on my progress and catch you up on some other impending issues that I've kind of been avoiding in the face of surgery... first things first, you know?

Thank you again for your prayers... I know that we feel them, we need them and we draw so much comfort in knowing that you are offering them on our behalf.

Is school starting yet??

Ha ha... as much as I love my munchkins... there comes a time when everyone needs a little more structure and a little less togetherness. :) The boys completed their neighborhood "reading club" (well, it was supposed to be just Dryden and a bunch of his "going into 2nd grade friends" but when I figured out that Parker was reading the books along with him... we sent him too!) this afternoon by setting some goals for the school year and a dip in the pool (since it is 93 degrees outside... this weather is making Al Gore look like a genius...). They have had a wonderful summer full of friends, picnics, pool-time, travels and treats. Now soccer has begun, we're getting the first emails detailing that little 5 month endeavor that we call hockey and we've visited some classrooms. Tomorrow evening is Kindergarten Orientation and I'm actually starting to believe that Parker just might go (it's pretty up in the air on most days although the last few have seemed more positive... but don't be holding your breath for the smiling, first-day-of-school photo op). We've picked through our clothes (Grandpa has already been here resupplying them with adorable GAP jeans and Star Wars tees) and Neely is the happy beneficiary of all of our friends with girls back to school clothing try-ons. Now it is time to JUST GO already!! We are starting so late due to some construction (which looks lovely, incidentally...) on the high school and I can honestly say that it is just about a week or so too long (which will make next year's normal starting date around August 25th just perfect!).

In the midst of all of this kid-craziness we are also anticipating surgery. And truthfully, I'm getting excited to get it behind me. As much as I hate the thought of missing out on yet another Fall - my FAVORITE time of year (ok, maybe it's tied with any time that there is snow...), I will be so thrilled to have my body somewhat put back together again (all the while being somewhat taken apart... it's a contradiction wrapped up in a conundrum, for sure). We are anxiously awaiting Grandma's return and packing my last few pre-surgery weeks with a visit to Lancaster, dinners with friends, brunch with the neighborhood crew, soccer practices, soccer games and more dentists, doctors and bloodwork (you didn't think that I could get away from all of that good stuff, did ya??).

The good news is that so far there is nothing to report on the last round of testing. The bad news is... they did more testing. Apparently I conveniently forgot that while Tamoxifen is busy inhibiting some things it is stimulating others (and therefore increasing my endometrial cancer risk to something like 10x that of the regular population) so we are now awaiting the results of that little biopsy. Additionally... there was some sort of issue with the last set of labs that I had drawn up so I will be returning to donate more blood to the cause. AND... my doctor is now not going to be available on the day that I was scheduled to meet with her to discuss all of this stuff so now I am not going to see her until October 12. But, that's ok, because in the words of the oncology nurse who relayed these changes to me "it doesn't really matter". hmm... not quite sure how to take that really... it seems like it might matter whether or not there is a new influx of estrogen and/or progesterone into my system to my highly estrogen/progesterone driven cancer... but what do I know??

So, in the meantime, we will go to Kindergarten Orientation, have a very long overdue visit with our landscape architect (I will tell you all about it Karen!!! maybe he'll let us keep a copy of the plans too...) and go to a memorial service for the father of one of our closest friends. What a difficult year (more??) this has been for our closest circle of friends... we've lost parents, suffered illness and carried each other along. Praise the Lord for friends to cry, pray, laugh and love with. We are so thankful to be walking alongside all of you.

Re-entry

Returning from vacation must be a lot like re-entering the earth's atmosphere after a trip to space. On Sunday afternoon I looked around my house and felt like my vacation had vomited all over my house. Dirty and clean clothes mingled with travel coolers, sea shells, coloring books & sticker books (if you have a Star Wars Lego lover in your house - as I do - I highly recommend the sticker compendium of Star Wars Legos... I was instantly inducted into the Mommy Hall of Fame and it is still Parker's absolute favorite thing to carry around the house, talk about and gaze upon lovingly - and special thanks to Mike that we did not accidentally leave it in Boston!), remnants of piece-mealed meals and dirty coffee cups littered our dwelling while I pondered what was really the most important thing to tackle next. Vacation was a blissful thing (although it truly took us until about Wednesday to actually relax) and returning to our home was almost as good. (our sheets never smelled so sweet and our bathrooms never seemed so luxurious...) We had a fantastic 9 days of visiting family and friends, attending a family wedding (another Martelle brother... the last one... now it is just the sisters left. C'mon Megs & Fran!! ha ha), eating lots of seafood (even Neely enjoyed the lobster) and relaxing by the ocean. Thank you Mom & Dad for finding a place and pulling us all together! We got to see Mike & Anne's new home in Needham as well as spend time with my most beloved Coz in Gorham. But truly the best part of getting away is realizing how wonderful it is to have someplace to come home to. Now we are pretty well re-assimilated and it is almost time to clean again (how does the house get so dirty???).

In the past week I have seen no less than three different doctors/specialists and officially scheduled surgery for September 20th. (sorry Mom and Audrey that you are learning that here... you'd think that your status as moms would at least earn you a phone call... this blogging thing has totally usurped traditional protocols... forgive me, I'm completely overwhelmed) I'm still awaiting the official results of Tuesday's ultrasound (related to my, not completely unanticipated but still surprising, period) and feeling a bit anxious since she did find a few things that she said are "usually no big deal", which are unfortunately not comforting words to someone who discovered that they had highly aggressive stage IIIb breast cancer at age 36. I guess we'll know for sure when I see Dr. Baer on August 23rd.

As it stands right now, I will be having my reconstruction at Magee on September 20th and, if all goes smoothly, will be in the hospital until the 24th. After that it is several weeks of hell - from what I can gather from some other patients with the same procedure - and then things begin to turn around with full recovery beginning to appear around the 2 month mark. (with some secondary surgery in there somewhere... fun, fun!) I've been asked if it hasn't crossed my mind to just accept things as they stand right now and, truly it has, but then I put on a bathing suit or something else that doesn't come all the way up to my neck and I realize that I just don't want to be dealing with this for the rest of my life - however long God has determined that to be. Thank you all for your patience with my reconstruction schizophrenia and for your prayers for peace in making such an overwhelmingly difficult decision. It is so very difficult to make a choice to put myself in this position as well as to create a situation where we are highly dependent on others (and by that I really mean AUDREY... ) again. We are so blessed to have Audrey's blessing on our decision and her pledge to stand by us on Hillvue Drive once again. We truly couldn't do this without her help (and goodness knows that the kids are counting down the days until Grandma returns!). Neely tells me almost daily that Grandma lets her wipe herself when she pees and the boys keep talking about all of the fun things that they will get to do when Grandma is back. We all miss her here! Hope that the rest of you out there in Edmonton, Calgary, Denver and beyond have appreciated having her out on loan. :)

In addition to a week heavy on appointments of my own, I spent an afternoon in serious conversation with a dear friend who had just learned of her own diagnosis of breast cancer and is about to embark on a journey so similar to the one that I have just undertaken. I can't help but believe that God has placed us in each other's way for this very reason and I do take joy in being able to use all of this craziness for something worthwhile, but it is incredibly painful to retrace the steps that have gotten me to today. It is still sometimes very difficult to believe that all of these posts are really about me and not just some fictional character who floats in my imagination. I still haven't fully embraced who I am today (maybe because I'm still not "finished"... but will I ever be??) and here I am trying to help someone else navigate the cancer crazy train. ugh... please Lord, find me faithful and worthy of the calling that You have allowed upon my life!

And the summer just keeps flying by...

So, I'm beginning to think that I'm a lot like The Hockey News... able to churn it out on a regular basis during the "regular season" but when it comes to summer it's pretty hit or miss. Here's to hoping that you are all frankly too busy to care! ha ha...

A LOT has happened since the trip to Deep Creek with the posse. Two days after returning, I had my last monthly Zometa infusion - or, almost didn't. When I saw the PA on that visit she was quizzing me, as they do, about my current status and I happened to mention that I thought I may have broken my foot when I launched into the pool to save Neely's life (when she plummeted head first out of her flotation device that is not intended - as it says right on the side - as a lifesaving implement). I breezed right past this but my PA was saying, "wait, wait... did you get an x-ray?" Well, no. I was getting by and I know just enough about the human body to recommend such things to others but not to follow my own advice (which is exactly what you are thinking Shawna!! and everyone else who knows me... ha ha). So who knew that the drug that they are giving me to combat bone loss (therefore, a bone builder) inhibits fracture healing. Intuitively that doesn't make any sense. At any rate... they shipped me upstairs to get an x-ray, which turned out to be negative (yay!) and added a good hour or so to my visit (thanks again Shawna for still letting me go to Whole Foods after that!). ugh. It is never simple and I should at some point, just expect that to be the case!!! Regardless, I am now on an every 3 month Zometa regime for the next 18 months.

I also returned to my physical therapist to discuss my lymphedema progression - or, lack thereof, thank goodness. I have had a lot of pain this summer due primarily to the humidity (but working out with Kelly & Gina is probably not helping me either... ha ha) and weeding (have to do something about that...) and cleaning (and that...) so I wanted to just check in to make sure that I wasn't really overdoing it. It seems that I have not progressed, which is good, but there isn't much that I can do about the pain besides what I am already doing. As a side note on this subject... I am constantly amazed by the amount of total strangers who notice my sleeve and ask me what I did to my arm. Initially I was so surprised that I couldn't come up with a succinct answer. Now I say that I have lymphedema and some people get a completely blank look but nod and smile because they are aware that they have stepped in it, while others just keep charging right along with a follow-up, "oh, what's that?". So, I just very calmly say, "it's a complication of breast cancer". Imagine their expression then... Let this just be a word of caution. When you see a contraption on someone that you don't recognize and you don't know the person very well (or at all...), be sure that you want to "go there" before you ask "what's that for?". And this is not to say that I am necessarily upset about talking about it with complete strangers, it is just very odd that they feel the need to ask!

Unfortunately, I have also run into some new issues that have required me to have a whole new rash of doctor's appointments, bloodwork, ultrasounds, etc. It seems that I may not actually be staying in my chemo-induced menopausal state which means a new review of options, side-effects and treatments. I shouldn't really be surprised being that I am only 37 and this was bound to happen, but I can't help but be annoyed by the fact that I can't escape this medical roller coaster! Additionally, I have booked surgery for the week of Sept. 20 (actual date to be determined when Dr. Gimbel returns from vacation). It has been an incredibly difficult decision and I can't say that I am 100% settled with my choice. Even though Darin and I have discussed all options and have placed it before the Lord... I don't get an overwhelming peace and I'm not sure that is a reasonable expectation. Your prayers for His best in this whole mess are so appreciated!

I will leave you with the words of Sarah Young...

"Come to me continually. I am meant to be the Center of your consciousness, the Anchor of your soul. Your mind will wander from Me, but the question is how far you allow it to go..."

Get yourself a POSSE!!!

A word to the wise... if you do not currently have a posse, start recruiting worthy candidates immediately. It does you no good to attempt to assemble one once a tragedy or disaster or bad haircut (they do happen to good people, after all...) happens. You need to have your posse solidly in place when you look into your radiologist's eyes and see the word "cancer" before she speaks it. They need to be ready when one of your parents is deathly ill, when a baby is born, when hair is falling out and when there is just no other time except the middle of the day when you can schedule an appointment. And then, every so often you need to slip away with your posse to hike, kayak, shop, eat, drink wine, LAUGH, cry and dance. I've always said that I am not a "girls weekend" kind of girl, but I've come to learn that that time is sometimes the very best thing for you (and, by the way, there is a lot of truth to that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" stuff...). Although I may never own a Upole of my own (and you all heard Halley say it was mine should she meet an untimely end...), I have the greatest posse ever and I love each of you so much!! Not to mention the wonderful husbands who stayed at home to watch over our combined 15 children... we are lucky and blessed to be yoked for life with you!

Today it is back to reality and the "cleanse" that Kelly has talked me into (that and a beating at the gym with she & Gina... maybe I'm not so happy that you have those free passes, Kel... ha ha!). It should be interesting to say the least! The best part is that it is full of the foods that I eat already (so, I'm secretly thinking that I'm probably pretty cleansed to start with...). However, I'm struggling to eat the prescribed amount of fruit (I'm more of a vegetable girl) and feeling a little deprived by the sparse amount of coffee. Darin decided not to let me walk this path alone so we'll see how a few days of rice, beans and green leafies serves us all! I actually think that it is a great way to get (back) on track with healthy eating. Thank you Kelly!

I am making an appointment to see my physical therapist for a lymphedema check-up. I can hardly believe that it has been over 6 months since the first time that I went! And I will likely be scheduling surgery this week for some time in late September (with the hope that I will be all healed up for the holidays!). My final monthly Zometa treatment is tomorrow morning (which I will combine with a trip to Whole Foods - I got some moldy pancetta there last week and they very graciously offered me a gift card for my disappointment... very impressed with the rapid email response and the offering. If I wasn't already such a huge fan, I would be now!!). I can hardly believe that I have been through 6 months of that as well. Now I will begin doing them every 3 months (for 18 more months... which, sadly, means that I will not be having my port removed during surgery in September... ugh). Sometimes it all seems very never ending! I'm still not 100% sure about what I want to do surgery-wise but I have to say that the summer has reinforced my reluctance to remain like this for the rest of my life... please pray that I will have some clarity and peace about the situation. It has been a very stressful phase.



It has been lots '0 summer fun around here for the past month or so and I still feel as though I haven't settled into a good summer "rhythm". Before you know it we will be on vacation and then thinking about heading back to school (I've already received "Back to School" shopping brochures... what is up with that???). Maybe I should just give up on a rhythm... it's over-rated to be so organized. :)

Do I offend??

Ok, so I'm getting the impression that I gave an impression that I certainly did not intend! I have gotten several email apologies for somehow having offended me along the way. Maybe that was as a result of my unwillingness to share the reconstruction details and I just want to make it clear that that choice is not due to anything that any of you have ever said or done. It has turned out to be a very complicated decision with so many layers and I have so many reservations about so many different aspects for so many different reasons that I just felt that it isn't wise for me to open this up to a multitude of interpretations. And that, not because I don't value all of your opinions or because I consider any of you particularly judgmental, but because I believe that this is a conclusion that we need to arrive at on our own based solely upon where we believe that God is leading us. Having said all of that, please just pray that we will seek God's leading and that we will hear clearly from Him what our next step should be. I'm so sorry if I made anyone feel like I was singling them out for reproach! I was more marveling at the fact that I was actually choosing to keep something private. This has become such an "anonymous" (until I run into a casual acquaintance at the grocery store who got the blog address from the friend of a friend and I realize that I am not so "anonymous" anymore!!) outpost for my internal angst that I sometimes forget how widespread it really is... I guess that it is even more amazing that most of you still love me! :)

I went for my 5th (of 6 monthly treatments) Zometa infusion yesterday morning. Grandma is still here holding down the fort... are you SURE that you have to leave??? (I can say that because she is internetless currently and won't read this until she is already gone! ha ha...) We have had a LOT of fun this time around (trying to make up for too many bad days and too many treatments in the past year...) going to the pool, having guacamole happy hours, going out to dinner for her birthday and even doing a little shopping. Mixed in there were, of course, three trips to different plastic surgeons, dentist for the boys, a mammogram (I got to reunite with the amazing Dr. G. I have super short hair and she is growing hers out to donate!) and my appointment tomorrow with the lymphedema specialist. Fun, fun! However, I did manage to make a solo venture (grocery shopping ALONE is like a treat...) to Whole Foods after my treatment yesterday. As always it was a culinary adventure. I picked up the red lentils and organic fire-roasted tomatoes I needed for today's lentil-artichoke stew among many other super fun things! But, allow me to caution you from the "if it is from Whole Foods, it is healthy" syndrome (IIIFWFIIH syndrome... ha ha). In my quest to continually better our health, I picked up a couple of toiletries... namely, sunscreen, hand lotion, facial cleanser and deodorant. I thought that I was making well-informed choices, but just to be sure I checked the EWG website when I got home. NOT SO MUCH!! In fact, insult of all insults, come to find out my unscented Secret solid is only rated a 2 where my brand new (as of yet unopened and waiting patiently to be returned) Tom's of Maine roll-on got a 5. (on the "scary, may or may not kill you or at the very least cause cancer, hormone disruption or a nasty rash" scale from 0-10) wow! Eye opener... and actually, everything that I purchased was in the "yellow" range and I had already decided that I didn't want to go out of the "green" zone. So... thankfully I am headed back to Oakland tomorrow and can make some returns. This time I have printed the "safe" (ish) list of sunscreens and I am not going to try to make these choices on my own any more! I expected this to be a little complicated but I was hoping that I could count on "natural" and "organic" products to be safe for me. It is discouraging to know that even then, there could be some scary ingredients. It really makes you wonder about what I have been putting all over my body prior to even becoming THIS aware! The journey continues... I'll keep you posted!

p.s. ...the lentil-artichoke stew tastes amazing and the applesauce muffins (complete with whole wheat pastry flour and rice milk - thank you for the awesome book, Cheryl!! I am benefiting from your course...) were very well-received at breakfast this morning! Hope that you enjoy the picture of Neely with her prized "I am wearing panties" umbrella... It has been an interesting couple of weeks around here!

A year gone by...

So, I've just spent the past 45 minutes (yes, at 11 pm...) reading all of June 2009. wow... what a difference a year makes. I'm still dealing with cancer - and as Darin so aptly mentioned yesterday, we probably always will be in some form or another - but I am so much more me (probably in a lot of good and bad ways... unbelievable how quickly we "forget" what we have been through!). Yet, here I am again facing surgery. Let's just be clear, I DO NOT LIKE IT. It is scary to "go under" (I'm really a control freak and that is the ultimate surrender...) and the pain is not so much fun. I guess that I could opt out but if there is any possibility that I am going to live a long and fruitful life, or really - even just 10 more years... I don't think that I can do it in my current state. But, that is neither here nor there, I can't go into a lot of details because it is too complicated and too stressful. I have a lot of judgements for myself in this area and I couldn't bear the judgements of others. It would just make the decision that much more difficult (word to the wise... if you have not had cancer, a mastectomy and/or other disfiguring, life-altering, terminal disease please don't offer well-intentioned opinions. I'm just not in any place to ponder them with any degree of politeness). These are more hard places and scary decisions but we are never alone no matter how alone we feel. I've learned that feelings can be deceptive while faith is secure. Praise God. "Your constant need for Me creates an intimacy that is well worth all the effort." (Sarah Young, Jesus Calling)

"The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace"

Romans 8:6

Oooh... that is a tough one... So easy for me to want to do the controlling but this is so much bigger than me (like I haven't figured that out yet?!?? Can you say "slow learner"??). So anyway, a couple of weeks of many doctors appointments and no real decisions yet, but I'm thinking that we'll be aiming for surgery sometime in September that will likely put me on the shelf again (and just when I was getting good at my yoga and running a few miles... figures!) for 6 weeks or so. Next week will bring another Zometa treatment and a lymphedema specialist (hopefully he can also shed some light on the surgery issues?? it remains to be seen... clearly I need to pull myself together, get a medical degree and put up some numbers for the people like me who want real odds instead of vague assurances that "most people do ok". what????) before we send Grandma on her way again (really?? she has her own life to go back to?? ha ha... we are SOOOOO spoiled!).

In the meantime... school has ended. Thank you Mary for the fantastic "end of school" pool party and cookout. The Hawn kids had a BLAST (but that wild blue cake icing did something crazy to their innards... did anyone else notice that in the bathroom??? It's all good, it was a good opportunity to reiterate to Dryden why we eat quinoa, many green things and fish several times a week... ha ha There is always an organic lesson to be learned!). We've also had the opportunity to have Parker's bestest friend in the world, Colin, here several times. Hence the Star Wars cookies pic... Please be praying for his grandpa Buc who is fighting a nasty rare cancer. I can't even begin to express how fulfilling it is for me to be on the GIVING side of some love and support. One of the best things that you can do when you feel depleted is to give. We were made to be givers (if you have any doubts on this check out the latest sermon series at our church on ACAC.net) and I'm discovering that first-hand. (and wow am I sick of being a taker!!) We had a blast today going to the strip with Grandma (Wholey's, Mancini's, Penn Mac, Enrico and Mon Ami... not to mention silly bandz all along the way...), spending 4 hours at the pool and even putting a few farm goodies to work (love that rhubarb coffee cake recipe of yours, Hal!).

I'm still working out my toiletry make-over (the amount of research that you can do in this area is astounding!!) and my diet continues to evolve with every new book that I pick up (thank you Cheryl!! seriously... I'm thinking of making a second appointment with my naturopath to discuss a whole bunch of new issues... I need more information!!!!). Don't get discouraged fellow disgruntled consumers!! ha ha You have to start slow and we have to demand better than yellow dye #5 and disodium biphosphorylated brominated goo.

We're hoping to get our last soccer games of the season in tomorrow morning, grill some Wholey's salmon (on tinfoil in order to avoid the carcinogens created in the fat rendering process...) and hopefully take in our first Hartwood of the season on Sunday barring too much of the forecasted rain... Happy summer to you all!!! With all of its issues, this June doesn't come anywhere close to the one that is past. We have grown, may we not forget what we have learned about who we want to be and who God has intended for us to be.

Oops..

I'm still here. I'm in over in my head in my own life... does that make any sense? Who knew that the greatly reduced pace that cancer introduced was such a good thing?? Even though my body is returning to a more regular place, I'm having a pretty hard time keeping up. I've never forgotten to RSVP to so many invitations, been late or just plain overlooked more things in my life. Whew... So, in that vein, forgive my long absence and know that we have been BUSY! Much of our "busyness" (well, all of it really...) is self-inflicted and thankfully, almost all of it is fun. We took a trip to Boston for a business conference for Darin. Hence, the gorgeous picture of "organic" sushi (great little place in Brookline on Harvard Street...). That was an awesome lunch. Only to be rivaled by the fabulous one at Kingfish - Todd English's amazing seafood joint in Quincy Market - and our dinner at Bricco in the North End. But... it wasn't ALL food... we got to see so many wonderful friends - Larry (thanks again for the tour and the pucks, the kids were thrilled!), Danielle (it had been WAAAAAAY too long D!!!), Coach Parker (I tried to procure some scholarships for the boys... apparently he doesn't plan quite that far ahead...) and Roseanne (thanks for taking the afternoon off with us!! I hope that didn't affect your numbers for the week... ha ha). Sorry that we missed out on getting together with you, Scoot but you'll get your fill of us this summer, I'm sure! Since that trip there has been more end of the school year events (graduation for Parker, last day picnic, first-grade parents picnic for Dryden), soccer stuff, picnics and parties (Happy 40th Matt!!! that is one we won't soon forget... ). Add to all of that a new round of appointments for me with plastic surgeons and a lymphedema specialist (let's just say that increased weight lifting, yoga and the humidity - btw... is it August??? hasn't been kind to me) and we had to call in the big guns - Grandma. She is baaaaaaack! Hooray! Grandma arrived last Friday (just in time for us to stay out waaaaay too late to celebrate with Matt...) and is staying for several weeks to cover this round of appointments as well as my Zometa infusion. It has been very discouraging thus far, to say the least. Without going into a lot of detail, (I've finally found something that I actually prefer to keep kind of private... novel...), I'll suffice it to say that there aren't any easy answers and I don't know what this means for me. It has also been hard to have this be our daily focus again. There is a really big part of us that would like to say that I "had" cancer and now we are just normal again, even though it is likely that we won't ever be free of it in some form or another (thank you lymphedema, drug trials and scars...). But now we are back to weighing options that all have lifelong side effects and potential pitfalls and I'm sick of it. In the midst of it, I'm still struggling with a hairdo that doesn't "do" it for me... and, I know that is really difficult for many of you to understand ("it's just hair, it will grow..." etc. etc.). But for me it is just an ugly, constant reminder that I am not me and I never will be again (just so you know, hair grows a LOT slower than you think and it isn't "cute"). Dryden looked at me the other day and said, (this is after he mentioned how much I look like a man... thanks, because I wasn't feeling masculine enough with my "ellen" haircut and butchered body...) "I really hope that your hair looks exactly like it did before". Well... me too, buddy! Anyhow, it hasn't gotten any easier and regardless of the ridiculous heat, I have been clinging to my wig more than ever before. In all honesty, I have never been angry about having cancer and I'm not angry now, but I can't seem to embrace this person that I am today. I don't really like her and I think that she is ugly. And the hardest part of it is that I feel like it shouldn't really matter to me so much... what about all of that perspective that I have gained in the rest of my life?? No matter what I tell myself (or what Darin tells me because let me be the first to assure you that love truly is blind!), I can't seem to come to terms. So, today, at Sarah Young's direction... I turn to Isaiah 26:3:

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you."

I need your perfect peace Lord because today I have none. Keep my mind steadfast because it is running at full speed in 50 other directions. All that I've got is trust in you... I trust you to do the rest.

Race for the Cure

Well... if I'm thinking about some sort of writing career I'm really going to have to step up my game. I can't believe that my last post was over 10 days ago!!! I'm having difficulty carving out the quiet time that I need to think, plan, read and regurgitate. It's not even summer yet?!?? Imagine what it will be like when ALL three kids are home all day. And to think that I have been anxious for the end of the school year (is anyone else over spelling lists, AR books and schedules??). But, it's always like that at this time of the year. By August I'll be counting down the days until they can return to some structure and discipline. However, in the meantime we have planned a very low key (I say that now... but watch it all fill up right before our eyes...) summer full of FREE time to play, swim, visit and relax. After the debacle that was last summer, we didn't want to make things too planned out for this one. The kids biggest complaint is always that they don't have enough time to "play" so this summer will be all about playing. (hopefully for everyone! and maybe I can fit in some time for Janelle to teach me how to mill my own grains so that I can start making bread on a regular basis... not that I haven't enjoyed keeping Milton's in business, mind you!) As I have slid farther down the slippery slope of being an informed consumer, it amazes me how many people are hungry for the same knowledge and are making so many of the same types of changes. I learn so much from the readings, internet searches (can't wait to learn more about marinating my red meat in wine, Sarah!) and lectures (Cheryl, I'm not even sure that I want to know all that you are learning...) that they attend to. So many people yearning for the same things have got to have an influence on the products that we use every day. In light of all of that, I have decided that this will be the weekend that I set up shop in our bathroom with Darin's laptop to investigate all of the products that we have been using (probably with the help of the EWG's skindeep database... they rate the safety of MANY commercial products based on a variety of factors. Caution... it can be VERY overwhelming!). Darin rolls his eyes when I talk about this, but he has been doing his own investigating and found some very reasonable, safe men's products. He likes to pretend that he isn't that concerned (read:crazy, he just lives with a crazy person), but I know that he is 100% on board! We've even discussed where we can discreetly place our future rain barrel and composter with the landscape architect that is creating our future outdoor space. Stick around, it's only going to get more and more interesting!

Anyhoo... a much-belated update to the Race for the Cure in Schenley Park last Sunday. Soooo many thanks to those of you who donated to our team or me specifically. We raised just about $1800! yay!! There were 14 of us in our group (a challenge just to stay together in the mass of humanity that turned out!) and we elected to walk the "run/walk" because running would've been almost impossible and many of our group were planning only to walk (Sara, just the fact that you got up at that God-forsaken hour was enough). Gina, Kelly and I are thinking about enlisting our husbands and doing the chip-timed race (which, I hope would involve actual running...) another year. However, I'm grateful that this was the catalyst that got me running again, even though we didn't actually run in the race. It was a very chilly day (fine for me and my vicious hot flashes...) but everyone was properly bundled for the weather so we survived. It was very overwhelming to see the sheer number of people who have been personally touched by breast cancer. I think that I heard that there were 37,000 there... and that is just as a result of ONE type of cancer... wow. Survivors had pink t-shirts (and I do have one... I just wasn't ready to wear it. I don't know if that makes sense if you haven't been in these shoes, but I just wasn't...) and many people wore signs on their backs to say who they were there for. For me, it just solidified my resolve to make choices that will hopefully help to protect my family from further intimate contact with cancer. I realize that nothing is a guarantee and that there is no "perfect", but I'm increasingly convinced that making healthier choices is worth the cost - be that time, effort or expense. The ways inwhich choosing this lifestyle mimic our Christian walk continue to be impressed on both Darin and I. When we mentioned to our landscaper that we'd like to use as many local, sustainable plants as possible, that we want to avoid chemical pesticides and fertilizers, etc. he said that there are many effective things that you can do but they usually require more work or attention. Light bulb moment... Choosing to live this way is often in direct opposition to the "world" where we are continually encouraged to do things faster and easier with immediate results. In all of this, I'm realizing that I never really wanted to just follow the crowd (does anyone remember the bandanna?? ...that I tied around my leg in a lame effort to blaze my own fashion trail... I know you do, Heidi... ha ha!!) and more than ever, I want to be and do my life differently. I'm excited to make changes, to investigate things for myself and to just live more simply. I'm sure that I won't always succeed and that I will often be enticed back to convenience and over-scheduling, but I'm ready to take little steps every day that will make a difference.

What if...

I have been having a lot of difficulty sleeping over the past several nights (and not for the usual reason of being ridiculously sweat-soaked, hot, chilled, etc. etc.) as we have quietly passed the one year mark of discovering the lump that changed our lives. For some reason April 29th stuck in my head as the day that it was found, but as it turns out (with a glance back at my Outlook calendar...) that was the day that I went to my family doctor and had a moment's respite as she was "almost certain" that it was a cyst. Therefore, that makes the date of discovery Sunday, April 26th. An evening like so many others, I'm sure, until I was getting ready for bed (most of you know what kind of pjs we wear around here... ha ha) and noticed something that didn't seem like it should be there. I distinctly remember being in the shower on Monday letting my mind wander to all of those scary "what if" places (we like to call it, "the dark side", and it is...). It was enough to bring me to tears THEN imagining telling my husband that I may not be here to raise this family with him, travel to their college parents weekend sporting events, golf together into our sunset years... nevermind my children, our parents, brothers and friends. But that couldn't happen to me, right?? That is something that you read heart wrenching articles about in Real Simple, not something that actually happens to young, happy people with small children and so much to offer. (only old, miserable folks... ha ha)

And now a year has passed... a whole year. Right now it seems like that was 10 years ago (and I'm pretty sure that chemo and radiation have probably aged my insides by at least that much). As much as our life likely appears to be the same, trust me when I tell you that nothing is the same and it never will be. Some of that is good, in fact very good... my perspective on life will never be "the same", my ability to cherish life, family, friends, moments is vastly improved and my desire to be whatever it is that God wants for me to be is real. I always thought that was what I wanted, but now I know it to be true. I'm far, far less concerned with whatever it was that concerned me about me. I want His perspective, His direction and His plan to be primary. Unfortunately all of this perspective and mental clarity did not come with perfect implementation. Alas, I am still human. I fail. A LOT... ha ha. But I even deal with that better.

I went to Sarah Young in "Jesus Calling" today to read what was there for me on April 26... It should come as no surprise that it was... perfect...

"Welcome problems as perspective-lifters. ... You can lash out at the difficulty, resenting it and feeling sorry for yourself. This will take you down into a pit of self-pity. Alternatively, the problem can be a ladder, enabling you to climb up and see your life from My perspective. ... Once your perspective has been heightened, you can look away from the problem altogether. Turn toward Me, and see the Light of My Presence shining upon you."

wow...

Now, today, as I am often struggling with serious irritation with what I am left with... lymphedema, intense hormone issues, the question of when (not if) this cancer will return, I again turn to this, my favorite devotional, and read these incredible words:

"When some basic need is lacking - time, energy, money (health??) - consider yourself blessed. Your very lack is an opportunity to latch onto Me in unashamed dependence. ... The truth is that self-sufficiency is a myth perpetuated by pride and temporary success. Health and wealth can disappear instantly, as can life itself. Rejoice in your insufficiency, knowing that My Power is made perfect in weakness."