It ENDS!!!!

So, for those of you who haven't been counting (and you know who you are... ha ha)... tomorrow marks my final trip to chemotherapy. HOORAY!!! I am still dreading the week of misery that follows, but it's hard to put into words the relief that I feel knowing that I am finished with this phase of my treatment. Sometimes it is difficult to believe that it has "only" been four months... it feels like a year! I can say, without reservation, that I have gained a whole new understanding of empathy. I am finding that there are so many around me who are dealing with tragic situations of their own and it has been so good for me to spend a lot of my free mental time praying for and thinking about each of you. I praise the Lord - continually - for the perspective afforded me through cancer and struggle. I think that too often in the past I had a moment of, "oh, that's too bad" and then moved right along with my own life. It is much easier for me to now put myself in someone else's shoes and to imagine the moment-by-moment struggle that they are engaged in.

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday with soooo much to be thankful for! Grandpa & Grandma Hawn joined us for a fantastic feast (and I have eaten more than I ever needed to over the past week and a half... which, I'm not sure if I'm thankful for or not... ha ha Just another lesson in, "be careful what you wish for"!) and lots of Wii, shopping and visiting. Everyone stayed relatively healthy (the kids and I have been battling colds for several weeks now, but it is nothing that we can't handle) and all the food turned out wonderful! (it was a good practice run for Christmas, Scott)

I think that we are starting to really feel the stress build-up of about 7 months of 24 hours a day cancer. It comes out in all of our relationships even though we like to think that we are dealing with it well (me, especially!). Please keep this in your prayers as we embark on a new phase of the journey. I'm thinking that I will start radiation in early January and that will be 5 days a week for 6 1/2 weeks. yikes... Fortunately, it sounds like the treatment time itself will be brief, but envisioning the daily disruption of the overall package is ugly for me. It's hard enough to get everyone where they belong (and I'm acting like I actually do that when right now it is Grandma, Tara and Jennifer who are pretty well shuttling my kids all over Butler County... THANK YOU ladies!!!) without trying to fit in a run to Passavant every day. Which... by the way, is also something to be thankful for. At least I don't have to be running to Magee every day (that is 20 minutes away with free parking a couple of townships over vs. running downtown and paying for parking every day - for you non-locals). So... there is a sunny side to everything I suppose.

Overall, we are mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically beaten down. It seems that "survival mode" only gets you so far before the wheels start to fall off... I'm tired of walking this path and goodness knows that Darin and our families are exhausted. I'm hopeful that I will recover quickly from this round and that the next month will be a respite for all of us from what we have been through. Unfortunately there is no true vacation from cancer, especially with more treatment on the horizon, but even a little bit of extended normalcy would go a long way in helping us to reestablish regular routines and communications. Sometimes it is so hard for me to see beyond what I am dealing with and in that my worst fears are realized... I become very self-focused. I don't want to be that way at all... in fact, the less I focus on myself the better! However, sometimes the "constantness" of it all (severe hot flashes, random pains - side effects of the Nulasta??, ugliness - baldness, patchy eyelashes, swollen, rheumy eyes, surgical scars, etc. etc., stomach upset, tongue crap, and on and on and on) just overwhelms me to the point that it takes all of my concentration just to function in a normal way. I hate what this whole experience has done to me and I'm thankful at the same time. Weird, eh? If you can't tell, we continue to need your prayers and are so grateful for the fact that you have never let up on us. One more to go... I can't wait until it is over!

#42 in my "1001 things to be thankful for" book (thank Em!):

that the words "i love you" never get old

Just rolling along...

It has been a pretty normal week... HOORAY!! I am feeling like I am perhaps coming down with a cold, (drainage, tickle in my throat and the dreaded constant nose dripping. And by that I really mean - dripping. I bend forward and it just drips out... attractive... and sanitary) but I'm trying to ignore it and hope that it will feel unloved and go away. Parker has had a MUCH better week (he is dressed as an Indian for his school Thanksgiving program... the picture isn't very good because Dryden fell over me trying to give him a high five as he went down the aisle...), thank you all for your prayers for him! I am also (after 5 cycles, I'm nothing if not observant!) noticing that his worst weeks seem to coincide with chemotherapy (shocker...). Poor little guy... I am his world and his world is kind of tipped on its side right now. I pray that he will only retain the good - reliance on the Lord, joy in the face of suffering and compassion for those that are hurting - from this rough period. But... he went to school every day with a smile on his face and even - finally - consented to wearing the Indian get-up ("I do not want to be "hopping rabbit" the silly guy!"). Dryden got an AWESOME report card (including a 100% in math... so, the personality is me, but the brain is his father's...) and a 5/5 on his last AR reading test! We are encouraged with his progress and are feeling that most of his issues are related to rushing through things without taking the time to read everything. Ok, college is back on the table. HA HA! I'm just kidding, but my neurotic tendencies are a little bit exacerbated by my current circumstances (mainly because I'm too young, too healthy and don't have any risk factors and yet... here I am. All statistical abnormalities are fair game now.).

I'm sitting here today - alone because Darin is off work and took Parker & Neely to skating meeting up with his mom, brother & brother's girlfriend - listening to my girl Brooke Annibale (a local girl who has an amazing bluesy sound) and this is the line from her song "Cry Out" that is grabbing me...

"I cry out and lift up my voice, I seek You as I once did seek the world. Save me from the empty of evil so I may walk in the path of goodness."

I could concentrate all day on "I seek You as I once did seek the world"... wow. Do I really do that?? It certainly takes practice and supernatural assistance! I think that it ties in really well with a devotional that Janelle sent...

"We gladly give all our yesterdays to the Lord, turning over to him our past sins. We trust him for forgiveness of all our past failures, doubts and fears. So, why don’t we do the same with our tomorrows? The truth is, most of us cling tightly to our future, wanting the right to hold on to our dreams. We make our plans independent of God, and then later ask him to bless and fulfill those hopes and desires."

I'm over the right to my own dreams and I don't have a future to cling to (who wants to go down with a sinking ship??)... so now I cling to the Lord and hopefully... I seek Him like I once did seek the world and it's emptiness.

Well... I'm going to break the exile for a few hours this afternoon and head out to show Jordan & Kirstin the "town" before we come home for Audrey's guacamole (thanks to a SECOND thrush medicine I am finally tasting a bit better now) and some meatball sandwiches (makes you want to come back to Pittsburgh, doesn't it Grantie??). I promise to take some food pics for you Auntie Jan. We have more hockey tomorrow morning with Dryden (I'm sure that this is a just a glimpse of what we have in store for ourselves... especially since every time we are at the rink Neely says, "I want to skate!"), maybe a Primantis sandwich and some basement hockey (Parker is determined to smoke Unlce Jord with his vicious slap shot...). Should be a fun weekend!

Emerging from the "fog"

"Do not let any set of circumstances intimidate you. The more challenging your day, the more of My Power I place at your disposal."

Those are the words that I awoke to in my devotional the day after Chemo #5. Wow... what an awesome reminder for a set of circumstances that, I'm not afraid to tell you, REALLY intimidate me. Every time I wonder if I can do it even one more time. The pervasive feeling of awfulness is almost more than I can describe or explain. And it seems like it never ends! There were a lot of days last week of barely getting out of bed, barely taking a few minutes to see the kids, explain their needs to Grandma and then back to my vegetative state. Many more cuisine magazines bit the dust with countless more recipes filed than Julia Child could ever master. (but hey, it's something to work towards! And here's to hoping that I get to live long enough to try them ALL. Shawna is really marveling right now because she has seen my collection of binders... and cookbooks.... and recipe boxes - yes, I have more than one...) I've mulled over our Thanksgiving menu, our Christmas plans, what we will eat when Unlce Jord is here this week and everything in between. Sadly, A LOT of it centers around food... probably because it is so difficult to find anything that is palatable and by now I AM HUNGRY!!! I did end up back at Tai Pei (thanks to you, Sara & Jim!!! You rock!!!!!) but this time it was the spicy beef noodle soup (I know, I know, it sounds ridiculous but beef really hit the spot...) that saved me just a little bit from a maddening land of hard boiled eggs and oatmeal.

I am definitely feeling like it drags me under harder and faster and that it takes longer to recover but I am beyond elated in knowing that there is only one treatment remaining. It finally feels to me like I am reaching the end of a very, long, dark tunnel and I can see just a tiny bit of light (because, the truth is, I still have to do all of this ONE more time... it is THAT bad). We continue to be so grateful for your prayers, cards, calls, emails, meals and countless mood-boosting gifts. It is so amazing to be so continually remembered. This has seemed like forever to me (and even moreso now that I am pretty well home bound for fear of picking up any new viruses that may somehow delay anything or otherwise just bring me down!), but none of you have left us here to suffer alone. Praise the Lord for all of you. I hate being needy, I hate being weak and I hate feeling "sickly" but it is a wonderful lesson about how the body of Christ rallies around you when you are completely tapped out of your own strength. And isn't that right where God wants us to be anyhow?? (hopefully now I've got the message and I won't need any further such literal training...) Our strength is futile in the battle for our souls but God's strength (and that of His people whom He empowers) is more than we'll ever need. The most beautiful part?? All that we need to do in order to have access to this limitless bounty... is to ask. (and then praise Him for His faithfulness in supplying all of our needs!!!) I am grateful.

Don't be confused by my heavenly gratitude and thankfulness for the lessons of cancer, weakness and suffering. I'm human and I hate this condition, however, I am grateful to know the Lord and to have been intimately introduced to the power that He supplies in weakness. The blessings that He supplies in need (and beyond!), the love that He gives when we are sad and lonely and the every day infusion of JOY amidst suffering. No matter what happens in my life, I am grateful, I am blessed and I have a joy that I never understood before arriving here.

So... it's another Monday. We are knee deep into our laundry (I say "our" because it belongs to all of us but it almost sounds as if Neely & Parker are helping me... not quite...) and pondering sending Grandma on a Costco run, thinking about ordering the annual Christmas card and still stressing out over NATA CEUs (is there no exemption for the cancer-stricken??? where is the justice...). It was a peaceful weekend with Darin accomplishing countless household projects while I finally started to putter about fixing a few meals (we had some wonderful previously frozen minestrone, thanks Kim!) and generally interacting with the family again. We are looking forward to a visit from Uncle Jord this week. Travel safely and here's to a HEALTHY visit!! (ha ha, if you know us at all you know that we as a collective family have suffered through some seriously ill - all cancer aside, we're talking stomach flus, colds, etc. etc. - holidays & visits... here's to one that, although amidst an actual serious illness, is minor irritation free!)

Quick update...

Hello all! I'm sorry that it has been so long since I posted but in the meantime we were desperately trying to live normal lives and despite my quarantine at home, I have managed to not have a moment's free time! What is up with that??

Today it is back under the needle for more drugs and more time stretched out in bed wondering if there is anything that I can eat that won't make me want to hurl. I took a gift card from my crazy brother & sister-in-law and stocked up on more magazines (yes, mainly food ones... I guess that I just enjoy the torture!) to get me through the long days of not feeling like doing... anything.

I know that my high school girlfriends and local family are getting together in Lancaster tonight to pray (as they do around each chemo session) and those prayers mean sooooo much to all of us. (each of your prayers do! I know that sometimes it feels simplistic or unrealistic to "just pray" but I'm here to tell you that your prayers make a vast difference in our lives each day.) Thank you, thank you, thank you girls!!! Right now, could you pray for a tap on my sink that dispenses hot and sour soup?? ha ha...

If you are at home and wondering, "how exactly can I be praying?"... let me help you out. Parker... oh Parker. More struggling with school (crying, not wanting to go, etc. etc.), more behavioral issues at home (crying & screaming about petty little things, falling to pieces because he got clothes from some of Grandma's travels, etc. etc.), and just struggling along a little in general. In many ways it is very endearing, not many hours go by between him pausing whatever he is doing to say, "I just love you, Mommy" and in many others it is infuriating. Please pray for him and for our handling of the situations that arise! And then there is Dryden... overall, Dryden is doing great. However, he is having some difficulty with reading. This is an issue that I never envisioned given his love of books and really, his love of school. However, it is keeping me awake at night and I am feeling like I am not available to help him as much as I think that he needs. Please just keep that whole issue before the Lord.

Oh yeah, our little Neely turned TWO last week! (hence the photo...) She is so full of life and WORDS. We had a little family party here at home. She loved every minute of it. It was very telling that her favorite gift was a big plastic teapot full of dishes (that was a hand-me-down... thanks Kelly for making me look like the best parent in the world!). It doesn't take much... but she did get some other wonderful housewares that will go very nicely with the kitchen that we have planned for her for Christmas.

Today is flu shot day for the boys (sorry Audrey... it just happened to fall that way and I didn't want to put it off for another week in fear that they would run out of vaccine again). Parker will scrunch up his face and not shed a tear. Dryden has been obsessing about it for the few days that he has known and even attempted to pinch his arm really hard in order to get it ready for the moment of impact. ugh!!!! Let's hope that they survive it...

Ok, Neely is making an absolute ruckus in her crib and I still need to shower before I extract her... Dryden & Parker are in love with their dot-to-dot books from Grammy and are completely engrossed so I need to run along and get myself ready for a day that I dread. Not sure when I'll have the gumption to get back at you all... probably Saturday or Sunday. Thank you for all of your care, concern and prayers.

HALLELUJAH!!!!

I opened "Jesus Calling" this morning and saw this facing me on the month of November:

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus"
Philippians 4:19

How true it is prayer warriors!!!! When I finally stopped - well, slowed down - my self-pity party, I started to realize how much worse things really could be. I have not been hospitalized, I have not developed life-threatening complications or had issues that have halted, delayed or otherwise compromised my treatments. In light of all of that, I'll never forget the experience that Darin had in the waiting room during my PET scan (long before any surgeries or chemo treatments). He witnessed two women - one bald as could be - discussing their cancer treatments and one, the bald one, was expressing how happy she was that even though her cancer had returned and she was going through chemo for a second time, she at least hadn't had to be hospitalized (purely due to the chemotherapy side effects) this time around. I am grateful that my "complications" have been skin lesions, swine flu and some random virus. I am grateful.

And so, having had that revelation I made peace with pneumonia and MRSA only to then receive the call from MedExpress to say that the radiologist read my x-ray (it was just the doctor on Saturday) and determined that there was no bacterial infection present. In addition, the lesion on my shoulder that they cultured didn't grow any type of bacteria at all. So... they have no idea what it might be, but it is not infectious or dangerous. Can I get an "AMEN" from the congregation?!?!! Praise the Lord for some incredibly good news and praise Him for all of your faithful prayers.

However, regardless of this wonderful news, we are still gun-shy and have decided to proceed with our previous decision to place me under house arrest. ha ha. I'm sure that I will venture out from time to time, but on a truly limited basis. I just want to be smart and to make it through the rest of chemotherapy on time. I am floored by the number of you who have already called TODAY to do grocery shopping and whatever else we may need. I know I've said it about a hundred times already but... we are so blessed to know you all!!!

Thank you so much for praying with us and staying with us through this crazy nightmare. I was encouraged by my little devotional once again when I got to the page for today...

"Do not be discouraged by the difficulty of keeping your focus on Me. I know that your heart's desire is to be aware of My Presence continually. This is a lofty goal; you aim toward it but never fully achieve it in this life. Don't let feelings of failure weigh you down." whew... it is a relief to know that God knows my heart and my intentions and that I'm not letting Him down by being human.

So... let's see if we can get through this week without acquiring anything new before the next chemo date. It would also be nice if everyone could just attend school on schedule (this too, is a lofty goal... ha ha). Here's to more "normal"! (please???)

A little bit miserable...

Yesterday the nightmare continued. I have had a small lesion (which started out looking like a little pimplish thing) on my right shoulder for about a month now. Which instead of looking better, has looked bigger and worse. At first I just attributed it to the fact that things simply take longer to heal when you are going through chemo, but when a couple more cropped up, I started to get suspicious. Because my Panic Button is stuck in the "on" position I thought about flesh-eating bacteria and other random worst-case scenarios but then all of the sudden, when I should've been sleeping, it dawned on me... MRSA. (google it... and then try not to panic) That was Friday night. Saturday morning I tried for FOUR hours to get through to the "nurse on-call". And this, after it took me the ENTIRE day on Thursday to get ahold of anyone from my oncologist's office to tell me what to do about Parker's swine flu and my own symptoms!!! I left two messages and then after regular business hours, paged at least twice before they called to tell me their standard: "go to the ER". When I refused based on the fact that I was pretty certain what I had after getting Parker's positive diagnosis and I wasn't about to pay $75 for a swab when, had someone returned my first call at 10:30am (or my second at 3:15 when my fever started, or for that matter my pages...), I could've at least just gone to MedExpress for $25!! Anyhow... I finally convinced the nurse to just page my doctor to talk to her about it and as it turned out, she had received my first two messages and left instructions for Tamiflu to be called in for me but somehow that had never been communicated to me. So, needless to say, I was pretty frustrated by Saturday morning when I couldn't reach anyone again. When I finally did get ahold of the nurse (it was the same one from the other night... so she knew that I wasn't going to want to go to the ER) she said that she had no idea what it could be but that I really needed to have it checked out (I understand that she can't diagnosis it over the phone, but what I'd really like out of the nurse on-call, is her gut feeling. Some advice on whether or not it is something to get worked up about. A little feedback and questioning rather than an automatic, "you are on chemo, so you should go to the ER".). So, off to MedExpress I go. The doctor there took one look at it and said, "oh... yeah... I can see why you would think this might be MRSA". She cultured it and sent it away but while I was there, I began coughing (as I have been doing quite a bit) and given my condition she suggested a chest x-ray even though my oxygen levels were good, I had no fever and my chest sounded clear. I consented just because I didn't want to be sent back in a day and I had thought that morning that my cough seemed to be much more in my chest than before. Naturally... she didn't like the look of the right lung and thought that I am likely developing pneumonia! FUN, FUN. Can you say MORE drugs??? At this point it is almost unbelievable. We'll know all of the results for certain hopefully by tomorrow afternoon but it doesn't really matter since I'm on all of the drugs already (although, I guess that they may switch me to some even more potent antibiotic if it is MRSA for sure). However, it has led us to the conclusion that my time in larger public arenas is probably over. We are just feeling like I can't be taking any chances that my treatments will be delayed or worse, postponed (it is incredibly important for future outcomes that everything happen on schedule). We realize that doesn't protect me from whatever the kids are being exposed to but we will just have to increase our handwashing and I guess, limit some of my contact with them. I just can't take too much more illness... So, please forgive me if I see you and don't get close or if you just don't see me anywhere for the next couple of months. It's been rough and it is maybe time for some greater precautions. In retrospect, as much as I do not want to deal with MRSA... it is very likely that it was God's providence to get me to MedExpress before a much more serious case of pneumonia put me in the hospital. I never would've gone based on my cough alone...

Regardless of all the bad news... we did get to enjoy Halloween in the neighborhood last evening. Parker has been fever-free since Friday morning so while he didn't attend the community party (and actually, Dryden didn't either... but that was conduct-related...) we did allow him to go trick-or-treating. Neely took a little spin around our cul de sac (until Daddy told her that she had "nuff" treats in her bag) and then she & I sat on the front step handing out candy. I wasn't feeling great but at least I could be out a little bit with everyone and enjoy the excitement. Thank you Lord for those little things!

We also heard from Grandma upon her re-entrance to this continent. She sounded tired but like she had a wonderful journey. Thank you Lord that her travels have been safe and that she has been able to enjoy herself away from all of this craziness for a time. And, best of all, it sounds like she finished just out of the medals in the Senior Games (the reason that she headed to Australia to begin with). We're so proud of you (especially since she has barely gotten to golf at ALL since giving up her life to come here and help us) Grandma Hawn!! Thank you for your sacrifices. It means so much to us.

I don't have a lot of great, Godly insights for our current place on the path as I have spent a couple of days wallowing in my own self-pity. I've had a hard time trying to find the bright side of all of this but please believe that even in my darkest hours, I don't doubt God. I just doubt my ability to be all that He wants me to be... I'm weak and I'm sad and I'm scared and sometimes I'm just tired of fighting. I'm so thankful that there are so many of you out there praying greater, bigger, grander things when all that I can do is beg for this to be over. So for me, all that I've got today is this wonderful little Kowot prayer from Edwidge Danticat:

"God grant me many more mornings, so that I might grow old with the ones I love"