On the "naturo"path...

Hello! It has been way too long since I have found the few quiet moments that it takes to get this page up-to-date. It seems like I had a lot more time for reflection, introspection and random pontification when I was "sick". Now there is no time for such foolishness! ha ha...

So, a week ago Monday I went to see a local naturopath (who would be recognized as a doctor in many states, but not currently in ours... they are individuals who go through a 4 year graduate program - available currently in 7 schools in the U.S. - and then are licensed by the American Academy of Naturopathic Physicians. This may be something that you want to research a little more in your area, Aunt Faye. I noticed that there is somebody in Ephrata... I think that he has a website.) to discuss my dietary needs and potential supplements going forward in the journey. I think that I have dragged my feet a bit in this area due to my fear that the supplement costs would be astronomical. I wasn't exactly sure what to expect and I took Darin along to get some perspective (everyone around here already thinks that I'm a little wacko and I wanted a level head to be able to back up my choices going forward... ha ha!). We liked Dr. Laird right away and he spent 1 1/2 hours talking with us about my diagnosis and treatment, current eating habits, future eating habits and additional supplementation. It was really great, somewhat enlightening way for me to get my future life started today. And, due to the amount of supplementation that he was proposing, a bit financially overwhelming. I have decided to forgo the green tea extract, caltrate and vit. D3 for 3-5 cups of green tea, 1200mg of dietary calcium and unadulterated (read: without sunscreen) sunshine (at least during the 3 sunnyish months in Pittsburgh...). However, that still leaves me with specially ordered fish oil, a multivitamin, vitamin E (pending a review of its potential interaction with Tamoxifen... which would then land me with two other different supplements that "may" help with my ridiculous hot flashes and night sweats...), vitamin D3 (for now), a probiotic and the Tamoxifen (which, of course, is NOT supplement... and I don't recommend it. Just take the most recent breast cancer prevention advice that is touted to eliminate 1/3 of breast cancers and eat well and exercise. If only...). We are changing up our diet somewhat inthat we are decreasing the amount of grilling that we do (and it's not just the char... there is something about rendered fat over an open flame that creates carcinogens. I need to do a little more research here...), decreasing our already meager amounts of pork and beef (in addition to making what we do eat grassfed, hormone & antibiotic free, if not organic... can you say "expensive"???), increasing our fish intake and making sure to have at least one cup of cruciferous veggies every day. It is those things in addition to our normal habit of trying to keep it whole grain all the time, eating a LOT of vegetables, drinking a lot of water (and not a lot of other stuff...) and continuing to exercise regularly. And, for me at least, a decrease in sugar consumption. :( It is a good thing really, and long overdue. The best news is that he did not recommend anything completely radical like a raw diet, NO sugars at all, eliminating certain foods, etc. He also recommended some good books that I am anxious to read (one of them being the one that you sent me right after I was diagnosed, Anne. In fact, he said that is the best and most comprehensive... thanks!!!). All in all... it was all good. Now we just have to rearrange our eating (and have already been doing that... so far, so good!) and our budget a bit to accommodate these changes!

On Wednesday I returned to Dr. Mehta (Radiation Oncologist) for my one month check-up. I can't believe that a month has passed already... Everything is looking good and I don't have to see her for another year because I am seeing so many other doctors in between (at this stage of the game, they don't want you going more than a couple of months without being examined by someone... no chance of that in my world right now!). She gave me another name of a plastic surgeon but I don't plan on making those appointments until after I see Dr. Ahrendt (Surgical Oncologist... I still have questions about exactly what changed my course during my original surgery and would like to get them cleared up before I take the next step) in early May. I'm still shooting for September for reconstruction, but that remains to be seen.

As we are about to turn the corner into April, I can't help but to begin to feel the weight of the anniversary of my discovery of the lump that started all of this. I'm still amazed that almost a year of my life has passed in what feels like a blurry haze of doctors, treatments and illness. However, as I start to reflect on what we have been given during this time... not only in the wealth of love, support and care but in terms of meaning and purpose and faith... it is fulfilling. We are different people now then we were then and I even would say that we are better people because of what we have seen. So often we read of life's trials given (or allowed or whatever terminology you can tolerate here...) to make us stronger, turn us toward our Lord and grow our faith but I never really knew what that meant or if it would be true for me (would I just turn and run from Him instead??) until now. I am thankful for the opportunity to grow my character by finding out that my faith is not misplaced. I am thankful for the chance to speak my mind without fear and am hopeful that I am about the work that He has chosen me to do.

Romans 5

1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

New life

Ok, so it seems that "normal" may never be the right word for me, but with another week under my belt, I'm starting to settle back into a routine that resembles my former life. I'm still pretty exhausted but Sara & Danielle (a special thank you to both of you...) have pushed me from thinking about doing the Mother's Day breast cancer run to actually starting to run (thinking about running is always so much less sweaty and demanding...). I seem to almost be myself first thing in the morning (which has always been my best time of day) but by mid-day I'm pretty well packing it in. I get so exhausted and can't even recover with a few back-to-back episodes of Law & Order. ha ha. Hopefully that will continue to fade as time goes on.

Shawna & I had a great weekend with our friends from Lancaster (see the pic...). We spent hours perusing the Strip in a way that I haven't done for years (usually if we go these days it is in and out!) and a lot of time just talking (and eating all of the fun stuff that we picked up while wandering...). So many thanks to husbands and grandparents and friends who work hard to make these times happen for us! And so much love to friends with whom it seems like time hasn't even passed since we were last together. Those are bonds that I will cherish forever!

These days we are back out in the cul de sacs playing hockey, riding bikes and running amok with light sabers (ok, that's just Parker...). Spring is in the air and everyone is ready to get outside. And with all of this return to real life stuff, comes Audrey's inevitable departure. She drove away early Thursday morning and it was hard. We have grown very accustomed to having family nearby - which is something that neither Darin or I have experienced since we left for college at 18. So, there have been some tears and the sad proclamation that we "have no grandparents anywhere nearby", but no doubt she will be back to visit! I wish that I could put into words what her selflessness has meant to us in the past 10 months but that would likely only serve to embarrass her and it couldn't even begin to explain our gratitude. While we know that wild horses couldn't have kept her away, it doesn't mean that it has been easy for her to be uprooted, inconvenienced and constantly on-call away from any and all adult friends (besides us... and truthfully, we haven't really been the best company in the past year!). Although we will miss her being here on a regular basis, we are so happy that we are at the point where we don't need daily help to get through this anymore. While there are still a lot of appointments and such - and we are incredibly grateful to all of the friends who are still stepping up to help us out with childcare - it is good to finally be getting back on our own "two" feet. I think that it has pained my parents a little that they haven't been able to be as readily available, but that doesn't diminish their role in caring for us in so many ways. It is just the way that God orchestrated things and I think that He knows what He is doing and why. We are finally making our first trip in their direction (for the much ballyhooed Lego store extravaganza... it can't come soon enough for me. I'm not sure that I can take any more detailed trips through the Lego catalog deciphering what they will get and why!) in longer than I can remember. In fact, Heidi asked me when we were last in Lancaster and if I look at my calendar it seems to not have been since December 2008!! wow... talk about overdue!

Today we are gearing up for our first very quiet weekend in quite a while and truly looking forward to it! Although, that is usually the perfect recipe for last minute fun plans... too bad that the weather doesn't look to be cooperating for a big Dad-filled cul de sac hockey game tonight. We'll keep plugging along and looking forward to what God's latest plans are for us in this new phase!

Normal?

Darin says not to get too carried away with that word... I guess that I was never that "normal" to begin with... But here we are on a normal day and I just thought that I should take advantage of a couple of quiet moments to put some feelings to type. It's actually been kind of a hard week. I should be overjoyed that a chapter is finished, some hurdles have been mounted, some of the hard stuff is past, but instead I just kind of feel a little lost. I can't bring myself to pick up the phone to make any of the appointments that are on my list (would that make it seem like some things aren't really over??) and I'm getting really annoyed at my physical inability to pull myself together. Audrey reminded me last night (thanks again for the CELEBRATION dinner, Britt & Steve! It was so nice to do something festive in the middle of the week with fabulous friends that have suffered right alongside both of us.) that they did warn me that it would be at least a month before I was 75% myself (I won't say "normal"...). I guess that I just wanted an instant turn of the page and magical return to everything that I was before this all started. Patience is not my strong point... one would think that I would've learned something about that in the past 10 months. It would be my worst nightmare to realize that I have survived this journey only to return to my old way of thinking! At the very minimum I need to embrace the positives and, unbelievably, there are many.

So, I just opened up my friend (and now a friend to many of you too...) Sarah Young's little "Jesus Calling" and I just can't pass up the opportunity to share, yet again, how PERFECTLY God meets you right where you are. "Though many things feel random and wrong, remember that I am sovereign over everything." I truly couldn't have explained exactly how I am feeling any better than that. ..."many things feel random and wrong"... What worries me more than anything is the possibility that I've gotten used to being "sick" and that I won't step up and take charge of myself again. Like I will just succumb to the idea that I am now not capable... of anything... I never thought that was who I am but I've become very broken and confused by everything that we have navigated. It's like I need a life re-entry program... All of this to say... please bear with me! (sorry, again, Sarah for standing you up in the dark this morning...)

We went to the typically crazy Mars Primary Center Reading Jamboree (everything is so well done, but always ridiculously overcrowded... it reminds me of the way my Dad used to get a headache just thinking about going to the mall with us once a year on Christmas Eve. Darin starts getting tense before we ever even get in the car. It's always 1000 degrees and, as Ed likes to say, there is inevitably a Penguins game that we are missing!) last night - hence the picture of the two happy boys eating neon-colored sherbertish stuff. It was great to take Grandma with us for the wildness as her time with us is finally winding down (if she can stay away from us, that is... ha ha!). I have to wonder if she is having the same difficulties thinking about returning to her "normal" life... I'd have to think NOT. ha ha! Now I am looking forward to arrival of some of my nearest and dearest friends from Lancaster again this weekend (THANK YOU Keith and Dave!!!!). I think that we'll introduce them to the strip district this time around... (I'll have a mungbean pancake for you Grandpa Hawn!).

Return to oncology

Good morning! We returned to see Dr. Puhalla (a very pregnant Dr. Puhalla... how she manages to keep up with her profession, 4 year old twins and very soon a newborn is WAAAAAAY beyond me!!) yesterday afternoon after a very stressful 5 days. I had my follow-up CT and bone scans on Thursday and naturally they had to take extra pictures in the bone scan... of my head... I'm not sure how savvy any of you are with medical imaging, but extra pictures mean that they see something that doesn't belong and they are trying to clarify what exactly it is. Not a good feeling to have extra pictures taken anywhere, but particularly of your head!! She asked me if I had sinus problems or issues with my teeth and all that I could hear was, "so you have about 6 months to live". Thank goodness for a family celebration that night at Mad Mex (we had to move the original date because Dryden wasn't feeling well and Mad Mex is no place to be if you aren't hungry and in the mood for noise! Ask Heidi and Deb... it's their favorite "Pittsburgh" place to visit!) to get our minds onto other things. Like the impending (or so we figured) US - Canada gold medal hockey game. We ran into Ed and the boys (LOVING that hair Nolan!! I put that in for you, Cort... ha ha) and Ed & Darin put a friendly wager on the game (we're still waiting over here, Ed... at least it was Syd who buried it in OT, right???). Then there was the perfect timing of a night out (a LATE night out... wow, guess that I needed that more than I realized!) with the neighborhood girls (I hope you know that I have worn the necklace every day since... you girls are AWESOME!!!!!) and a twice delayed weekend visit from my parents to keep us all busy. First I had a morning hand measurement - yes, now I need a "gauntlet" (and here you thought that was just another stupid show on MTV...) because the sleeve alone is causing pain into my hand. But, just when I was imagining a summer of terrible ugliness, a few different friends sent me this website: http://www.lymphedivas.com/ . I can see a few of these in my future... especially for the summer when they will be exposed all the time. Darin wasn't terribly impressed... ha ha. After Parker got home from school I took off to pick up Darin to go to Magee for more Zometa (looking forward to those flu-like side effects...) and a visit with Dr. P. My appointment was at 2:45 and we didn't leave Magee until 5:30... which meant that the boys missed their first night of the new hockey session (fortunately they can do a make-up day... in all of our spare time... whatever happened to SLOWING life down??). ugh! It's always FOREVER when you are there, but God bless her she is super chatty and always takes time to talk about our kids (hers and ours!). Turns out the the scans were all fine (not even a mention about why they took extra pictures of my HEAD... Dr. Puhalla said that they often think that they see something and then don't find it when they take subsequent shots. Would've been nice to know that on Thursday!!) and I will be starting out on Tamoxifen for the foreseeable future. She described that as a "moving target" that could change when they determine whether I am truly in menopause (which is where she wants me). We'll see how that works out, but in all honesty, the hot flashes & night sweats can't get much worse! She did recommend acupuncture for those and let me tell you, I am ready to move heave and earth to give that a try. She also recommended seeing Dr. Laird, the naturopath, for any additional supplementation (I already take vitamin E and D on top of a multi-vitamin) and nutritional changes. It is always daunting to me to schedule more appointments, but I just need to dig in and make it work! It really feels good to finally be looking at this side of things and I am so thankful to have doctors who support an integrated approach to cancer care. I still have to see Dr. Ahrendt (surgeon) and start the reconstruction process all over again with plastic surgeons, so it isn't really "over" yet, but at least we are moving in the right direction as of today!

The support, meals, prayers, gifts and love has been relentless. I'm so afraid that we will never, ever be able to help you all realize what it has meant to us... no thank you card in the world will cover it and no words do it justice. We are humbled, we are hopeful and we have met Jesus in a way that we never imagined possible this side of heaven. Clearly this ordeal is not over, it's probably never really over, but regardless of what direction it takes... we are blessed and we are so loved both in heaven and on earth. Thank you, thank you, thank you.