The Waiting

"The waiting is essential to ensure...structural uniform strength to accomplish its end use" (the development of its real strength...) - Pastor Kelvin Walker

hmm... many people ask the question, can you hear God speaking?  I don't know... can you hear it???  If I can't hear God's voice in these words from Pastor Kelvin, then I must be deaf.  This was part of a description of metallurgics and how metal is heated & cooled to become what it needs to be.  How fascinating that nature and everything else that we have "come up with" happens to mimic God's creation and His plan for working in us... as Rock likes to say... "God is borderline genius"... ha ha.  Kelvin goes on to say, that progress comes in the process.  I love that.  THAT is encouraging to me.  Not only in my physical health but in my spiritual journey.  Progress is coming in this process of learning to be patient, learning to live my life amidst cancer & treatment rather than free again from it, learning to rely on others to get through my daily life, learning to let go of "my way" of doing everything (at least for a time, because it IS still the best way... right Janelle???  ha ha)... it is comforting to know that in all of these things, I am making progress to my perfect "end use"!!

And, as if this wasn't enough of a message that my "waiting" is a very important time in my growth and development in the Lord, Sarah Young follows that up with this devotional today (emphasis is mine):

"Lie down in green pastures of Peace.  Learn to unwind whenever possible, resting in the Presence of your Shepherd.  This electronic age keeps My children "wired" much of the time, too tense to find Me in the midst of their moments.  I built into your very being the need for rest.  How twisted the world has become when people feel guilty about meeting this basic need!  How much time and energy they waste by being always on the go, rather than taking time to seek My direction for their lives.

I have called you to walk with Me down paths of Peace.  I want you to blaze a trail for others who desire to live in My peaceful Presence.  I have chosen you less for your strengths than for your weaknesses, which amplify your need for Me.  Depend on Me more, and I will shower Peace on all your paths."

How can we ever hear the still, small voice when we fill every moment of our lives with noise??  Why are we so loathe to slow down and listen?  Are we afraid of what we might hear?  Our kids are too busy, we are too busy and then we are surprised when the wheels fall off.  We cry out to the Lord and we don't even know what His voice sounds like so how can we hear His answers?

Lord... help me to actively wait with You here today.  Slow me down when my life picks up speed again and remind me regularly to take quiet time with You.  I think that it is fair to say that one of my biggest fears now in returning to my normal pace is that I will forget what I have learned while I have been waiting...

Two steps forward and one step back...

Remember how I said that this is around the time when things can start popping open?  And by "things" I'm talking about all of the scars crisscrossing my leg and chest.  (I like to think that I'm an overachiever having had the really big incision explosion about two weeks early...) Well... after that little excursion to see Parker play hockey and some increased activity around the house (I'm going crazy here people and I am feeling better!!), we noticed that the incision a little further down my leg looks to be separating a bit.  Needless to say, I've been ushered back into my bed to lounge almost full-time and I'm none too happy about it!  But while I've been sitting here wiling away the days I've been trying to think about ways to turn reading, researching and writing into something that would contribute in a financial way to our family.  I've tossed around the idea of putting ads on this site (I'm struggling with how that would commercialize me...) and I've been looking into some freelance writing (I'm really not feeling this so far... it just doesn't seem like the right venue for me).  I'd appreciate your prayers about all of this too.  So many of you have said things like I should write a book or a devotional (what would I do, just copy all of Jesus Calling??  I don't think that Sarah Young or her lawyers would appreciate that...) but I just don't know.  I enjoy writing about where I am in the moment but I'm not an expert at anything and am not really sure that there is a wide audience for what I have to say... any thoughts??  I have no doubt that God has a plan for my cancer which has to include all of this time for reflection and contemplation.  I just wish that I knew what those next steps looked like...

Maybe one of them is to PRAISE. 

"The best response to losses or thwarted hopes is praise. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. Remember that all good things - your possessions, your family and friends, your health and abilities, your time - are gifts from Me. Instead of feeling entitled to all these blessings, respond to them with gratitude. Be prepared to let go of anything I take from you, but never let go of My hand!"

I read this this morning in "Jesus Calling" (where else??) and it really hit home.  I am not entitled to any of the blessings that God has given me and am I as regularly thankful for them as I should be?  I think living in a state of grateful worship takes practice.  Let me let go of the things that He has removed and welcome those that He is choosing to add... may I be thankful for them all!

Another year older...

is my devoted partner in life today.  Happy Birthday Baby!!!  I promise, one of these years I won't be bed-ridden or deathly ill (last year I planned a surprise party only to be in the midst of my sickest chemo month... who knew??).  However, we are going to make the very best of it with a Gene Wenger hamloaf (one of those vestiges of Lancaster County that we cling to and share among our Pittsburgh friends...), Parker's debut at the Consol Energy Center (he promised to skate over the "big penguin" for me...) and the RMU/Air Force game immediately following.  Now, I won't be present for all of that, but it sure sounds like a good time.  I'm going to try to make it through PJ's performance and get some pictures (they are missed, eh??) but Audrey is going to have to stand in (ha ha, no pun intended... she'll actually get to sit) for me after that.

As I write this today, I have just finished listening to Rock's latest sermon online, read a little Sarah Young (more on that later) and am listening to Brandon Heath ("I'm not who I was"... this is a song that I really identify with... U.Steve, he reminds me a lot of the type of music that you play...).  The weather is beautiful and I AM BLESSED.  Today I read in Jesus Calling: 

"If you must consider upcoming events, follow these rules: 1) Do not linger in the future, because anxieties sprout up like mushrooms when you wander there..."

What amazing imagery!  And... how true.  I am in touch with the one who holds the future and He's got it all figured out.  I'm along for the ride and what a ride it is!

We're looking at a new week and feeling some improvement.  HOORAY.  I don't want to get too excited since this is the timeframe that they initially warned me about.  I guess that the risks to the incision (believe it or not there are parts that have held together up to now) are greatest at about this point in the healing process.  So, I'll still be taking it easy and doing a lot of lounging but we are finally headed in the right direction.  Mom left yesterday afternoon after spending several days with us and Audrey will be back on helping duty.  It has been like a dream come true for the kids to have them around so much.  At dinner the other night, Dryden prayed about how thankful he was that "all" his family was together again.  So sweet...  We are so overwhelmed with thankfulness for our mothers' devotion to our family.  Thank you, thank you!  We do know that you have better things to do... things that are less demanding and more fun (although, who doesn't want to play Candyland 85 times a day, play legos or listen to Parker read "Origami Yoda" for the 5th time?), but you have sacrificed for us yet again and we love you for it!!

Zometa and more

Tuesday brought a return to Magee for more poking, prodding and WAITING. I was a little apprehensive to begin with since we have been known to wait for hours to see Dr. Puhalla in the past and I wasn't sure what that would look like for someone who can't sit. Fortunately I only had to hang out in the waiting area (standing and feeling just a little foolish as I filled out my forms) for a few minutes before I was called back for the weighing, blood pressure and bloodwork stuff (all accomplished standing or lying on the very uncomfortable exam table with the pull out footrest). Then the research nurse came along (presumably to make sure that I hadn't developed that disfiguring jaw-wasting disease attributed to Zometa) followed by Dr. Puhalla's PA. Thinking that it would only be a matter of minutes before I saw Dr. P herself, I never asked for a magazine or my bag (way far away from where I was lying on a very high table). After waiting there by myself for at least an HOUR AND A HALF, I finally saw Dr. Puhalla. It didn't take long to determine that she is pretty sure that I am coming out of chemo-induced menopause so she would like my ovaries suppressed ASAP. She told me that it just involves an "injection". She also wants me to pursue the D&C prescribed by my gynecologist to rule out any rogue endometrial issues. I'm thinking that, due to my current condition, this won't happen before December sometime. Sounds like fun! By this time Halley (in the waiting room with 20lbs. of Elle magazines...) has succumbed to the free, push-button coffee (although, it isn't actually as bad as it sounds) and wondering if I've been permanently ensconced in the twisting halls of the Magee Women's Cancer Center (I remember one of these appointments during chemo when Nikki actually texted me to make sure that she was where she was supposed to be and that I was too!). We hung around - standing - for awhile longer before they called me back for the Zometa infusion. Unfortunately the "reclining" chemo chairs really weren't designed for the post-gracilis reconstruction patient so it was an uncomfortable 30 or so minutes there. But all of this was nothing compared to the ovarian suppressing "injection" that was coming up... first the head nurse intercepted the nurse assisting me offering to "finish up here" and then she pulled the curtain (I wasn't even aware that there were curtains and I've been attending there regularly for over a year!) completely around us taping it to the wall to keep it closed. Halley decided that this may be a good time to step out (at least one of us had the good sense to run!) and the nurse pulled out a very large needle. She pinched up my stomach and slid it slowly under my skin before injecting a pellet under my skin!! I was so shocked and baffled that I almost burst into tears (if Darin would've been there, I'm sure that I would've). It hurt so badly and no one had prepared me for what was coming! I have Stage III breast cancer and have endured three surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation and countless other minor, painful procedures. Did no one think that I could handle the truth???? I do not like surprises in the hospital and this was almost more than I could endure. And to think that I need to do it monthly for the first three months and then every three months "for now". Honestly!! The head nurse told me that as soon as they see this drug on someone's chart the nurses start trying to find a way out of administering it because they know how bad it is. I can see why! So... by the time that I finally got home (from my 9:15 appointment) at 1:30 I was exhausted, sore and a little bit miserable. Tuesday was not a good day.

But, today is Thursday and Thursday is a better day. I've seen a lot of friends in the past couple of days and Darin and I have definitively decided that my gaping hole has not gotten worse. (there for awhile we really weren't sure...) I even read a little uplifting blurb from Sarah Young this morning:

"Bearing your circumstances bravely - even thanking Me for them - is one of the highest forms of praise. This sacrifice of thanksgiving rings golden-toned bells of Joy throughout the heavenly realms. On earth also, your patient suffering sends out ripples of good tidings in ever-widening circles."

I'm not sure that I have really born them bravely or endured patiently enough, but I do feel thankful and I'm working on the rest! Thank you all for enduring this roller coaster of emotions along with me. I think that for a very long time I have been waiting for it ALL to be over (so I could just "get on with my life") and now it is slowly sinking in that that point will never actually come. Appointments, needles, changing medications, tests, bloodwork and doctors ARE my life. I'm never going to be able to tuck breast cancer in my back pocket as something that I once went through. But I think it will serve me well to be reminded on a regular basis from whence I have come. It's like my own personal communion service reminding me of Christ's sacrifice and how I then should live. I don't think that it would be wise to just "get on with my life"... and this way, I'll never forget what I have learned along the way.

Gut Check

"You have been on a long, uphill journey and your energy is almost spent. Though you have faltered at times, you have not let go of My hand. I am pleased with your desire to stay close to Me. There is one thing, however, that displeases Me: your tendency to complain. You may talk to Me as much as you like about the difficulty of the path we are following. I understand better than anyone else the stresses and strains that have afflicted you. You can ventilate safely to Me, because talking with Me tempers your thoughts and helps you see things from My perspective.

Complaining to others is another matter altogether. It opens the door to deadly sins such as self-pity and rage. Whenever you are tempted to grumble, come to Me and talk it out. As you open up to Me, I will put My thoughts in your mind and My song in your heart."

Jesus Calling, Oct. 9, 2010 (by Sarah Young - in case you are just joining us here...)


I've been asking the Lord why He seems far away and why it has been difficult to hear His voice... and then I opened up my devotional to read these very pointed words and I think now the answer is clear. It is so interesting to me that I have been doing the exact opposite of this. I have tried to remain positive in my attempts at prayer and communion with Christ and vented all of my frustrations to all of you. Just when you think that you are starting to really mature in your walk, you realize how much more you have to learn! So many of you have so graciously agreed that I have much to be frustrated by, but in truth... we are so blessed and I am incredibly fortunate. This surgery, while debilitating and painful, is a miracle of modern science. The physical results are astounding and my surgeon is the only one doing this type of reconstruction in this area. The fact that I even had the opportunity to have such a procedure is a gift from God. But beyond all of those basic wonders... there is the fact that I was given an assignment from Him and I have at times lost sight of that. It is an honor to be used of God and one that I do not take lightly. This cancer (and all of its subsequent procedures, appointments and side-effects) is an opportunity to be more open about my faith than I likely would have ever had (or taken...). The truth of the matter is that I live to serve the Lord and my entire life is an attempt to reflect Jesus to everyone around me. The gift of salvation is life-transforming and if I truly believe that, then there is nothing more important that I can tell you or give to my children. It fills the emptiness, answers the question of why we are here and gives purpose to every step of the human journey. I am grateful - yes, grateful - for cancer, for pain, for reflection and for perspective. I am grateful for the chance to grow in faith and to share it with all of you. I am real, I am human and I struggle, but I am made perfect in my weakness by the Creator of my soul.

Better day...

We went back to see Dr. Gimbel (plastic surgeon) again today. I've talked with his nurse Judy (she should add "counselor" to her title...) several times since the incision in my leg split open and she called me Tuesday to say, "he wants to see you Thursday, can you come in?". It didn't seem to us that we were making much, if any, progress in healing this big open area so in we went. Neither Dr. Gimbel or Judy seemed the slightest bit phased by the big gaping hole in my leg (which Darin described - he saw it for the first time today since we have had a visiting nurse, which is a story for another day... changing the dressings for the past several days - as looking as though it were groomed with a cheese grater. This is also how it feels... RAW). Dr. Gimbel took out some exposed stitches which he said the body treats like foreign objects once they have been exposed. It seems that they stitched up the inside of the incision and then glued the outer portion (if that makes any sense...) and once it came open, exposing the stitches, it was having difficulty healing. He is still saying that it will take several weeks for it to heal up but he is also still giving me the green light to slowly increase my sitting and activity level. I'm very nervous to do this because it seems very counterintuitive to the healing process (especially where this is located...). So... I'll be taking it slow while I have the help in order to be at full capacity once Audrey is on her way to greener, less kid & laundry-filled pastures! The breast seems to be doing well (no one has really spent too much time on that and it is what this is all about, right??) although there is some firmness which he said "may be fat necrosis" (for the unmedically initiated, that means death due to lack of blood supply). However, it has only been just over two weeks so we will just be watching that and waiting to see what happens between now and when I see him again in 6 weeks. There will eventually be another procedure to complete the breast but he wants to potentially hold off on that longer than the usual 3 months to make sure that there isn't any other revision that we will need to do to the leg scars. That way everything can be taken care of in one procedure (and that works for me as I am about procedured to death!).

So... I think that we came away (eating fabulous Whole Foods scones and sipping some Starbucks) feeling encouraged despite the lack of obvious progress in healing. It mustn't look too bad to him because at one point he said, "what are you, a month out?". What?? It feels like it, but it has only be a little over 2 weeks... Regardless it gives me hope that I will be able to join Darin and the boys on his birthday at the new Consol Energy Center (where the Penguins play) to watch Parker skate between periods of an RMU club game and then the RMU varsity game against Air Force. That is what Darin has been wanting to do for his birthday since before we new that Parker had been chosen to skate and it has been my goal in healing to be able to get there. We'll see!! At least it is finally seeming like there is at least a possiblity of it happening.

As always we are more than grateful for the fantastic meals and the continued prayers of everyone around us. We know that we are so well covered and we wish that there were something that we could do to show you what all of this means to us...

Setback...

Of course there would be. It is really no surprise... but why does it come with such a huge does of frustration and aggravation? I guess that's all me. (you can see how far I've come with my "patience" lesson, eh??) Good grief. It was a bad weekend around here after my incision starting opening up a bit on Thursday evening ending up to be around a 2inch by 1inch gap. It makes me afraid to do anything and Darin irate when I attempt silly things like getting the mail and helping out at home. It is just so difficult for me to stay stuck in bed listening to all that is swirling about and not be up in the middle of it. I HATE IT. (just in case that message hasn't gotten across just yet...) We missed a stellar "progressive" Steelers party with our crazy neighborhood gang yesterday and we kind of just stayed at home and stewed (aside from a busy sports line-up for the boys all weekend). ugh... momma said there'd be days like these, and here they are!

I've been struggling a bit to hear the voice of God amidst all my own whining (hmmm, I wonder why that has been so tough??) and was incredibly annoyed when I realized yesterday morning that the laptop I am currently using must not have internal speakers since the sermon that I attempted to listen to had no sound! So instead, I picked up the great book that I have been reading "Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On" (by Stormie Omartian) which has had some incredible insights for dark days and then read the October 3rd passage from my friend, Sarah Young who reminded me to:

"Affirm your trust in Me, regardless of how you feel, Thank Me for everything, though this seems unnatural - even irrational. Gradually you will begin to ascend, recovering your lost ground."

wow... that sounds HARD but I am trying and praying and trying to listen in my praying for what God wants from me today in my resting, in my marriage (I'm finding that all of this crap about ME for the past 18 or so months isn't making me the best spouse in the world...), in my parenting (please more prayers for PJ... he is a tough nut and we are having more difficulties with his attitude towards so many things... pray that we will handle them appropriately and lead him adequately) and in all the relationships that are helping me along this way (particularly with the visiting nurses who truly seem clueless!!! Talk about frustration?!??).

Thank you all for your continued prayers for our whole family (and network of caregivers) they are definitely what is carrying us along this very difficult path. We are eating so well (thank you everyone!!) and the kids are having a blast (Karen... you are too much to take Neely this morning with no kiddos of your own! She had a fabulous time). We know that we are so blessed to be so well-covered and we don't take that lightly. I am hanging in there and anxiously awaiting the day when most of the physical aspects of this cancer crazytrain are behind us but at the same time trying to absorb all that God has for me here at this very point in life. Please don't let me miss what you have for me Lord!