What if...

I have been having a lot of difficulty sleeping over the past several nights (and not for the usual reason of being ridiculously sweat-soaked, hot, chilled, etc. etc.) as we have quietly passed the one year mark of discovering the lump that changed our lives. For some reason April 29th stuck in my head as the day that it was found, but as it turns out (with a glance back at my Outlook calendar...) that was the day that I went to my family doctor and had a moment's respite as she was "almost certain" that it was a cyst. Therefore, that makes the date of discovery Sunday, April 26th. An evening like so many others, I'm sure, until I was getting ready for bed (most of you know what kind of pjs we wear around here... ha ha) and noticed something that didn't seem like it should be there. I distinctly remember being in the shower on Monday letting my mind wander to all of those scary "what if" places (we like to call it, "the dark side", and it is...). It was enough to bring me to tears THEN imagining telling my husband that I may not be here to raise this family with him, travel to their college parents weekend sporting events, golf together into our sunset years... nevermind my children, our parents, brothers and friends. But that couldn't happen to me, right?? That is something that you read heart wrenching articles about in Real Simple, not something that actually happens to young, happy people with small children and so much to offer. (only old, miserable folks... ha ha)

And now a year has passed... a whole year. Right now it seems like that was 10 years ago (and I'm pretty sure that chemo and radiation have probably aged my insides by at least that much). As much as our life likely appears to be the same, trust me when I tell you that nothing is the same and it never will be. Some of that is good, in fact very good... my perspective on life will never be "the same", my ability to cherish life, family, friends, moments is vastly improved and my desire to be whatever it is that God wants for me to be is real. I always thought that was what I wanted, but now I know it to be true. I'm far, far less concerned with whatever it was that concerned me about me. I want His perspective, His direction and His plan to be primary. Unfortunately all of this perspective and mental clarity did not come with perfect implementation. Alas, I am still human. I fail. A LOT... ha ha. But I even deal with that better.

I went to Sarah Young in "Jesus Calling" today to read what was there for me on April 26... It should come as no surprise that it was... perfect...

"Welcome problems as perspective-lifters. ... You can lash out at the difficulty, resenting it and feeling sorry for yourself. This will take you down into a pit of self-pity. Alternatively, the problem can be a ladder, enabling you to climb up and see your life from My perspective. ... Once your perspective has been heightened, you can look away from the problem altogether. Turn toward Me, and see the Light of My Presence shining upon you."

wow...

Now, today, as I am often struggling with serious irritation with what I am left with... lymphedema, intense hormone issues, the question of when (not if) this cancer will return, I again turn to this, my favorite devotional, and read these incredible words:

"When some basic need is lacking - time, energy, money (health??) - consider yourself blessed. Your very lack is an opportunity to latch onto Me in unashamed dependence. ... The truth is that self-sufficiency is a myth perpetuated by pride and temporary success. Health and wealth can disappear instantly, as can life itself. Rejoice in your insufficiency, knowing that My Power is made perfect in weakness."

Women's Health and the Environment...

...and the conference topic that really sucked me (and Nikki...) in?? "Slow Death by Rubber Duck: The Secret Danger of Everyday Things" To my delight there was a free copy of the book for every attendee (don't worry Nik, I'll share it with you!). So, maybe you are entirely confused right now... let me fill you in. This past Wednesday I moved heaven and earth (thank you for your help Tara, Jodi, Shawna and Kelly - it literally took all of these women to cover my children for the day...) to attend a FREE (there is such a thing as a free lunch, seriously, it was delicious and entirely compostable!) conference in the city dealing with all of my favorite topics. No denying that there was a definite political slant (it was sponsored by the Heinz endowment, both the surgeon general and the director of the EPA spoke, etc. etc.) but overall, the science was amazing, the speakers were fantastic (especially the rubber ducky guys - two hilarious dudes from Canada. And, you know when the Canadians start getting up in arms about things that we need to begin paying attention...) and I came away overwhelmed, but with renewed energy to be informed and savvy about my health and the health of my family and loved ones. In some ways it clarified some of the things that I had learned from Dr. Laird but it also raised a LOT more questions (you mean that there is BPA lining every single can in my pantry???? so much for buying organic green beans...). I came home with not just one but THREE complimentary books that will fill my spare time and my head with much knowledge and probably a lot of conflict. It's tough to know exactly where to turn but it is evident to me that this stuff turns my crank a bit. Kind of the way head injury (and that just sounds terrible when you write it like that...) did for many years prior to this season of my life. I'm wondering right at this moment in what ways those two may intersect with my own diagnosis to deposit me at my next life step. I've been hanging on the fringe of the movement to know more about the chemicals we ingest and slather on our bodies, to care for the earth in a more responsible manner (don't worry, I'm still pretty staunchly... Independent... ha ha, I'm not sure where I identify myself when it comes to choosing a seat on either "side" of the aisle these days. Everyone disappoints me so...) and to return to a more "natural" way of life for quite awhile now and I think that this has positioned me to dive in headfirst.

After further conversation with some of my girlfriends... I am even more inspired to research, learn and write (probably right here...) about practical and POSSIBLE ways that we all can change our lives and health for the better. I'm not sure that I am really the "right" person to do it but it definitely interests and intrigues me. For example, I'm appalled that the current approach to chemicals in our country is "safe until proven otherwise". REALLY??? Does anyone remember "Erin Brockovich" or "A Civil Action"? Aren't any of you wondering why so many people that you know have cancer, asthma, autism or are on gluten-free or refined flour/sugar -free diets? I was so shocked to hear that the EPA has virtually no power and in fact that asbestos (is anyone unsure of whether or not this causes cancer?? I know that Edgar Snyder seems to be making a living off of proving otherwise...) is not even banned. Now, I know that it is all so very overwhelming and it seems like it might be impossible to make personal changes that would truly make a difference... and once you get past the initial overwhelmingness you start to think that you'd have to take out a second mortgage just to afford to make any of the changes that you'd like to make... but... the more of us that start small, increase demand and insist on healthy options, the more available, affordable and diverse those options become. Personally, I've moved past my original, paralyzing, defeatist attitude to the point of taking small steps every day. I'm realizing that there was a reason that God told the Israelites to throw the manna out every night (Exodus 16 - in case you are curious...) and that while progress is good, it doesn't do us any favors if we're not around to use it! Before you know it, I could end up on a 4-acre converted Amish farm myself... (have you seen the pantries and canning kitchens in those places?? You are ahead of your time, Janelle...) It starts with you and me and our homes, lawns, cars and kids. In my mind's eye there are times that I see a garden in every lot, clothes lines out back and smell bread baking in every kitchen once again. Maybe that sounds really Pollyanna or even ridiculous (Darin tends to think so... he's pretty sure that we are really just too "busy" to care for ourselves and he just might be right...) But I can't believe that we are dumb enough to just keep treating the symptoms (obesity, cancer, decreasing lifespan, etc. etc.) of our chemical addiction rather than take the collective initiative to change. I'm about to seriously commit myself to doing life differently and really... that sounds an awful lot like what God has called us to as Christians. Call me crazy but that won't really be that far off of anything that I've been called before... ha ha. (and dear neighbors, please don't be too appalled if we have a few dandelions and clover... at least our kids can safely roll in them!! ha ha)