Do I offend??

Ok, so I'm getting the impression that I gave an impression that I certainly did not intend! I have gotten several email apologies for somehow having offended me along the way. Maybe that was as a result of my unwillingness to share the reconstruction details and I just want to make it clear that that choice is not due to anything that any of you have ever said or done. It has turned out to be a very complicated decision with so many layers and I have so many reservations about so many different aspects for so many different reasons that I just felt that it isn't wise for me to open this up to a multitude of interpretations. And that, not because I don't value all of your opinions or because I consider any of you particularly judgmental, but because I believe that this is a conclusion that we need to arrive at on our own based solely upon where we believe that God is leading us. Having said all of that, please just pray that we will seek God's leading and that we will hear clearly from Him what our next step should be. I'm so sorry if I made anyone feel like I was singling them out for reproach! I was more marveling at the fact that I was actually choosing to keep something private. This has become such an "anonymous" (until I run into a casual acquaintance at the grocery store who got the blog address from the friend of a friend and I realize that I am not so "anonymous" anymore!!) outpost for my internal angst that I sometimes forget how widespread it really is... I guess that it is even more amazing that most of you still love me! :)

I went for my 5th (of 6 monthly treatments) Zometa infusion yesterday morning. Grandma is still here holding down the fort... are you SURE that you have to leave??? (I can say that because she is internetless currently and won't read this until she is already gone! ha ha...) We have had a LOT of fun this time around (trying to make up for too many bad days and too many treatments in the past year...) going to the pool, having guacamole happy hours, going out to dinner for her birthday and even doing a little shopping. Mixed in there were, of course, three trips to different plastic surgeons, dentist for the boys, a mammogram (I got to reunite with the amazing Dr. G. I have super short hair and she is growing hers out to donate!) and my appointment tomorrow with the lymphedema specialist. Fun, fun! However, I did manage to make a solo venture (grocery shopping ALONE is like a treat...) to Whole Foods after my treatment yesterday. As always it was a culinary adventure. I picked up the red lentils and organic fire-roasted tomatoes I needed for today's lentil-artichoke stew among many other super fun things! But, allow me to caution you from the "if it is from Whole Foods, it is healthy" syndrome (IIIFWFIIH syndrome... ha ha). In my quest to continually better our health, I picked up a couple of toiletries... namely, sunscreen, hand lotion, facial cleanser and deodorant. I thought that I was making well-informed choices, but just to be sure I checked the EWG website when I got home. NOT SO MUCH!! In fact, insult of all insults, come to find out my unscented Secret solid is only rated a 2 where my brand new (as of yet unopened and waiting patiently to be returned) Tom's of Maine roll-on got a 5. (on the "scary, may or may not kill you or at the very least cause cancer, hormone disruption or a nasty rash" scale from 0-10) wow! Eye opener... and actually, everything that I purchased was in the "yellow" range and I had already decided that I didn't want to go out of the "green" zone. So... thankfully I am headed back to Oakland tomorrow and can make some returns. This time I have printed the "safe" (ish) list of sunscreens and I am not going to try to make these choices on my own any more! I expected this to be a little complicated but I was hoping that I could count on "natural" and "organic" products to be safe for me. It is discouraging to know that even then, there could be some scary ingredients. It really makes you wonder about what I have been putting all over my body prior to even becoming THIS aware! The journey continues... I'll keep you posted!

p.s. ...the lentil-artichoke stew tastes amazing and the applesauce muffins (complete with whole wheat pastry flour and rice milk - thank you for the awesome book, Cheryl!! I am benefiting from your course...) were very well-received at breakfast this morning! Hope that you enjoy the picture of Neely with her prized "I am wearing panties" umbrella... It has been an interesting couple of weeks around here!

A year gone by...

So, I've just spent the past 45 minutes (yes, at 11 pm...) reading all of June 2009. wow... what a difference a year makes. I'm still dealing with cancer - and as Darin so aptly mentioned yesterday, we probably always will be in some form or another - but I am so much more me (probably in a lot of good and bad ways... unbelievable how quickly we "forget" what we have been through!). Yet, here I am again facing surgery. Let's just be clear, I DO NOT LIKE IT. It is scary to "go under" (I'm really a control freak and that is the ultimate surrender...) and the pain is not so much fun. I guess that I could opt out but if there is any possibility that I am going to live a long and fruitful life, or really - even just 10 more years... I don't think that I can do it in my current state. But, that is neither here nor there, I can't go into a lot of details because it is too complicated and too stressful. I have a lot of judgements for myself in this area and I couldn't bear the judgements of others. It would just make the decision that much more difficult (word to the wise... if you have not had cancer, a mastectomy and/or other disfiguring, life-altering, terminal disease please don't offer well-intentioned opinions. I'm just not in any place to ponder them with any degree of politeness). These are more hard places and scary decisions but we are never alone no matter how alone we feel. I've learned that feelings can be deceptive while faith is secure. Praise God. "Your constant need for Me creates an intimacy that is well worth all the effort." (Sarah Young, Jesus Calling)

"The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace"

Romans 8:6

Oooh... that is a tough one... So easy for me to want to do the controlling but this is so much bigger than me (like I haven't figured that out yet?!?? Can you say "slow learner"??). So anyway, a couple of weeks of many doctors appointments and no real decisions yet, but I'm thinking that we'll be aiming for surgery sometime in September that will likely put me on the shelf again (and just when I was getting good at my yoga and running a few miles... figures!) for 6 weeks or so. Next week will bring another Zometa treatment and a lymphedema specialist (hopefully he can also shed some light on the surgery issues?? it remains to be seen... clearly I need to pull myself together, get a medical degree and put up some numbers for the people like me who want real odds instead of vague assurances that "most people do ok". what????) before we send Grandma on her way again (really?? she has her own life to go back to?? ha ha... we are SOOOOO spoiled!).

In the meantime... school has ended. Thank you Mary for the fantastic "end of school" pool party and cookout. The Hawn kids had a BLAST (but that wild blue cake icing did something crazy to their innards... did anyone else notice that in the bathroom??? It's all good, it was a good opportunity to reiterate to Dryden why we eat quinoa, many green things and fish several times a week... ha ha There is always an organic lesson to be learned!). We've also had the opportunity to have Parker's bestest friend in the world, Colin, here several times. Hence the Star Wars cookies pic... Please be praying for his grandpa Buc who is fighting a nasty rare cancer. I can't even begin to express how fulfilling it is for me to be on the GIVING side of some love and support. One of the best things that you can do when you feel depleted is to give. We were made to be givers (if you have any doubts on this check out the latest sermon series at our church on ACAC.net) and I'm discovering that first-hand. (and wow am I sick of being a taker!!) We had a blast today going to the strip with Grandma (Wholey's, Mancini's, Penn Mac, Enrico and Mon Ami... not to mention silly bandz all along the way...), spending 4 hours at the pool and even putting a few farm goodies to work (love that rhubarb coffee cake recipe of yours, Hal!).

I'm still working out my toiletry make-over (the amount of research that you can do in this area is astounding!!) and my diet continues to evolve with every new book that I pick up (thank you Cheryl!! seriously... I'm thinking of making a second appointment with my naturopath to discuss a whole bunch of new issues... I need more information!!!!). Don't get discouraged fellow disgruntled consumers!! ha ha You have to start slow and we have to demand better than yellow dye #5 and disodium biphosphorylated brominated goo.

We're hoping to get our last soccer games of the season in tomorrow morning, grill some Wholey's salmon (on tinfoil in order to avoid the carcinogens created in the fat rendering process...) and hopefully take in our first Hartwood of the season on Sunday barring too much of the forecasted rain... Happy summer to you all!!! With all of its issues, this June doesn't come anywhere close to the one that is past. We have grown, may we not forget what we have learned about who we want to be and who God has intended for us to be.

Oops..

I'm still here. I'm in over in my head in my own life... does that make any sense? Who knew that the greatly reduced pace that cancer introduced was such a good thing?? Even though my body is returning to a more regular place, I'm having a pretty hard time keeping up. I've never forgotten to RSVP to so many invitations, been late or just plain overlooked more things in my life. Whew... So, in that vein, forgive my long absence and know that we have been BUSY! Much of our "busyness" (well, all of it really...) is self-inflicted and thankfully, almost all of it is fun. We took a trip to Boston for a business conference for Darin. Hence, the gorgeous picture of "organic" sushi (great little place in Brookline on Harvard Street...). That was an awesome lunch. Only to be rivaled by the fabulous one at Kingfish - Todd English's amazing seafood joint in Quincy Market - and our dinner at Bricco in the North End. But... it wasn't ALL food... we got to see so many wonderful friends - Larry (thanks again for the tour and the pucks, the kids were thrilled!), Danielle (it had been WAAAAAAY too long D!!!), Coach Parker (I tried to procure some scholarships for the boys... apparently he doesn't plan quite that far ahead...) and Roseanne (thanks for taking the afternoon off with us!! I hope that didn't affect your numbers for the week... ha ha). Sorry that we missed out on getting together with you, Scoot but you'll get your fill of us this summer, I'm sure! Since that trip there has been more end of the school year events (graduation for Parker, last day picnic, first-grade parents picnic for Dryden), soccer stuff, picnics and parties (Happy 40th Matt!!! that is one we won't soon forget... ). Add to all of that a new round of appointments for me with plastic surgeons and a lymphedema specialist (let's just say that increased weight lifting, yoga and the humidity - btw... is it August??? hasn't been kind to me) and we had to call in the big guns - Grandma. She is baaaaaaack! Hooray! Grandma arrived last Friday (just in time for us to stay out waaaaay too late to celebrate with Matt...) and is staying for several weeks to cover this round of appointments as well as my Zometa infusion. It has been very discouraging thus far, to say the least. Without going into a lot of detail, (I've finally found something that I actually prefer to keep kind of private... novel...), I'll suffice it to say that there aren't any easy answers and I don't know what this means for me. It has also been hard to have this be our daily focus again. There is a really big part of us that would like to say that I "had" cancer and now we are just normal again, even though it is likely that we won't ever be free of it in some form or another (thank you lymphedema, drug trials and scars...). But now we are back to weighing options that all have lifelong side effects and potential pitfalls and I'm sick of it. In the midst of it, I'm still struggling with a hairdo that doesn't "do" it for me... and, I know that is really difficult for many of you to understand ("it's just hair, it will grow..." etc. etc.). But for me it is just an ugly, constant reminder that I am not me and I never will be again (just so you know, hair grows a LOT slower than you think and it isn't "cute"). Dryden looked at me the other day and said, (this is after he mentioned how much I look like a man... thanks, because I wasn't feeling masculine enough with my "ellen" haircut and butchered body...) "I really hope that your hair looks exactly like it did before". Well... me too, buddy! Anyhow, it hasn't gotten any easier and regardless of the ridiculous heat, I have been clinging to my wig more than ever before. In all honesty, I have never been angry about having cancer and I'm not angry now, but I can't seem to embrace this person that I am today. I don't really like her and I think that she is ugly. And the hardest part of it is that I feel like it shouldn't really matter to me so much... what about all of that perspective that I have gained in the rest of my life?? No matter what I tell myself (or what Darin tells me because let me be the first to assure you that love truly is blind!), I can't seem to come to terms. So, today, at Sarah Young's direction... I turn to Isaiah 26:3:

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you."

I need your perfect peace Lord because today I have none. Keep my mind steadfast because it is running at full speed in 50 other directions. All that I've got is trust in you... I trust you to do the rest.