Calm between storms...

It has been a GOOD couple of days. There for a little while I wondered if I would ever feel good again and I have been given quite the little interchemo reprieve. Thank you Lord... The bad news is that the badness lasted a good 7 days and from what they tell me, each treatment tacks on a few more days of ugliness. So, each time we're looking at a more extended time of feeling downright yucko. Not a happy thought. However... that is then and this is now!

I can now also see why a lot of people actually gain weight on chemo... when you can finally taste stuff again you have this feeling of entitlement to eat whatever in the world you want. I find myself having these little "well, I have cancer" pity parties over my Ben & Jerrys or wing-o-ritos. Maybe it's better for me to be feeling sick because I eat a heck of a lot healthier!! Truthfully... I really am eating very healthily (is that remotely a word?? it makes me just want to say: "strategery") overall but I surprised myself at how much I thought I "deserved" treats in the past couple of days.


So, I started this several days ago (once again feeling too "healthy" to post, I guess... ) and then today I went to see Milan (my fabulous hair dresser and friend - author of the short 'do that everyone has been so into... or, just really polite about...) to shave my head. It was becoming such a hassle to have so much mess in the shower, all over the bathroom, etc. etc. that I just needed to be done with it. Needless to say, it has been a VERY hard day. I knew this was coming, I do know that it is "just" hair and that it will grow back (but, for future reference, don't say these things to a cancer patient who is losing their hair!!! They truly do not need any more "perspective" from you, their healthy, head-full-of-hair, well-intentioned friend.), however I am just not dealing with it so well...


And... that little paragraph was from yesterday! For some reason I just can't seem to get the posts out these days!! I am truly, truly struggling with the hair loss and how I feel about wearing a wig - or not wearing a wig... it really just sucks. I'm uncomfortable with the whole thing. Additionally... I'm suffering from some serious acne that no one warned me about. So, not only am I now (almost) bald, but I have horrible skin to boot! nice... it's not bad enough to completely lose your confidence and sense of self with the hair, but you also get to look like a pimply-faced teenager (with 36 year old wrinkles, laugh-lines and the like). If all of this doesn't strip you down to your "bare" you, nothing will! (and maybe I'm just not at all comfortable with what I am seeing... clearly I'm having some vanity issues and God is dealing harshly with them, that is for certain!) ugh. Anyhow... there's been some difficult days around here and it isn't about to get any better. Tomorrow I am headed back to Magee to get my port (for those of you uninitiated in this arena, that is just an easy I.V. access that will be with me constantly until this is all over. It spares my few remaining left arm veins so that I will have something remaining from which I can have blood drawn or have other - less damaging - I.V.s in the future). Fortunately this is not a full-blown surgery (meaning that I get to have local anesthetic) but it is still another surgical procedure. Should be fun!

In the midst of the pain of the past few days the words of another song really stood out to me... this one is "Sweet, Sweet Sound" by Sarah Reeves...

Through all the mire and clay
You're washing me with grace
You carry me, oh Lord, through it all
So I will testify even in the fire
I live to praise my Savior

Hear the song of my life
Let it be a sweet, sweet sound
Let it be a sweet, sweet sound

I pray that this is the melody that I can carry through this mire. Some days it is just too heavy for me but I guess that really is the point... I'm not meant to carry it. He will carry it if I just stop trying to do it my way. I sincerely hate every minute of this but if somehow I can truly become what it is that He has planned for me by living this particular life, then it is the only thing that I want to do. As difficult as it is...

Your prayers lift our heads, your meals sustain us and your steady love for us carries us through these dark days. We love you all for all that you do for us. (and that means all of us... our kiddos have had some wonderful playdates and have been loved by so many parents who have plenty of their own little ones... what a gift.)

Momma said there'd be days like this...

...although this day isn't quite as bad as the past three. We've decided that we're over it already and we've just checked one week off of the chemo calendar. uh-oh... There's something about a constant stomachache, headache, neck ache and general feeling of malaise that just brings a person down. When even water tastes bad, a self-proclaimed foodie like myself hits bottom. Beautiful, aromatic food enters this house from all corners of the surrounding counties and my family is well-fed (this gift is SUCH a blessing to us!!!), but I am sad because my mouth acts funny, my throat constricts and burns and most things just do not match up to what I'm sure their taste actually should be (chocolate - a usual diet staple for me - is one of the most disappointing things on that list). ugh!!!! I may need to call you all back in January to remake everything that you have dropped off here... :) It is such a blessing to look on the calendar and see those meals coming though because I can't imagine what it would be like to cook with a restless stomach and banana, yogurt & string cheese taste buds. I think that there would be a lot of grilled cheese sandwiches going on. (which would probably make the kids ecstatic...) So, thank you, thank you for being so faithful to us all in this way. I was sure that I wouldn't need so many meals but thank goodness Shawna just put her foot down.

Today I wandered out to Nordstrom for a completely different prosthetic experience. I hesitated on whether this was a blog kind of topic but I just want to get the word out to ANYONE with a loved one who has breast cancer that there is a better way!!!! After leaving the last place feeling like I might as well just put on a big sweatshirt and never attempt to look like myself again, it was so uplifting (no pun intended...) to find out that I can still wear whatever kind of lingerie I want. I really kind of dreaded going (headache aside... but shopping - childless - is usually the kind of thing that I would do on my deathbed!) but the woman that I worked with was incredibly knowledgeable, sensitive and so just downright good at her job that it actually turned out to be enjoyable. Unfortunately they do not currently take my insurance but I am hopeful that this is the type of setting that will grow and expand so that other women do not have to go to some tiny, dingy room full of old lady (no offense if you fancy yourself old and like stodgy underthings) undergarments with someone telling you that you can never wear an underwire or anything attractive again. This disease takes enough away without having to make you feel like a complete stranger to yourself. Thank you Nordstrom and thank you Becca!!

Ok, so now I need to take my daily rest (maybe this is a part of cancer that I could get used to...). It really does seem like a necessity. My body wears out so quickly these days and doesn't seem to bounce back like it used to. I am trying to force down as much water as I can (even though it tastes like I'm drinking it from a dirty iron cup) and learn sudoku puzzles (my doctor literally recommended it to help keep my mind from falling into the potentially irreversible "chemo brain" pit) while also allowing my body the time that it needs (it is awfully needy these days) to recover. It isn't very comforting to know that just about the time that my taste buds start to revive, my body starts to get itself on track and my stamina is just getting up to speed... I'll be back down to Magee to do it all again. fun... fun...

Continue with your prayers warriors. Someone told me this weekend that even though we know that you all are praying for us, it is good for us to be told repeatedly. And, that is so true... it is so touching to know that we are in the forefront of your minds and that you are keeping us before the Lord. We are just now truly realizing what a LONG road this is going to be and that we are going to need every ounce of strength that He has for us in order to make it through.

plugging along...

So... we're still sitting around on pins and needles waiting for things to get worse. Which, in the grand scheme of things, is really an ok place to be. I am definitely feeling crummy, but it's really manageable at the moment. I have kind of a dull, constant headache, a funky stomach and tiredness. Regardless, I have managed to get up and walk on my treadmill every day so far (albeit, not too fast and not for too long...) but that is mainly because I've already been lying in bed for an hour or so awake. I'm struggling to sleep very well, but I'm not complaining too much because I am sleeping some and that is better than late night bizarro t.v. watching. However, I guess today is the day that the nulasta shot should kick up some bone pain (because your white blood cell counts fall so dramatically on this regimen - and probably many others, but this is the only one that I am somewhat familiar with - they shoot you up with something about 24 hours after chemo that is supposed to help mature your young white blood cells faster and subsequently results in flu-like aches in your overworked bone marrow). But, in the face of it all, I am so fortunate to have Audrey 2 miles away to help me with the kids and so many kind friends bringing meals. I certainly have almost NO appetite (and that same aversion to the smell of meat that I often had while pregnant... I can eat some when it is hot and ready, but to smell it in the fridge later is no good) and everything tastes funny (especially my coffee... what is up with that?!?? can I not keep one good vice to hang onto when the going gets rough??). But please don't worry about me and what I might feel like eating when you are thinking about meals... the true purpose of those meals is to keep my poor family going while I could really care less about food (not a usual place for me to be!).

I think that I am up for taking Dryden to the Primary Center for his school visitation today. He tells me that he is feeling a little scared about first grade so this should be a good way for him to get a little more familiar with things again. Maybe we can even swing by to visit Mrs. Kolson in his room from last year! (he still wishes that she would just be his teacher forever... ha ha) And how about Grandma taking Parker for a trip to Costco yesterday and coming home with six Star Wars movies?!?? Guess that it will be Star Wars mania around here for many Friday movie nights to come... Parker woke up this morning saying, "is this movie day??" and chanting the theme song. It's going to be a loooonnnngggg day of saying, "after dinner, Parker!". Right about now, I can also hear Neely rolling around upstairs but since her protests are not yet too loud, I think that I'll try to wrap this up quickly before really getting the day rolling...

In my current electronic quest to catch up to the 21st century, I have even figured out how to load podcasts onto my ipod (it's not as thought that is actually difficult, by the way...). So I took some time yesterday while resting (a new necessity in my schedule, I'm thinking) to listen to the sermon from last Sunday (that we missed while fishing, visiting and staying up too late... although Janelle & Kenton did a great little Sunday morning object lesson with the kiddos and we had some great time of prayer together!). wow... it's not unusual for Rock to hit the nail on the head (as he speaks the words that God is clearly giving to him) but this was just so very relevant to what we are facing.

He reminded us that "God doesn't call us to do our best for Him, but calls us to submit to Him so that the Holy Spirit can do God's best through us - and that is ministry." The overall sermon was about giants in our life (and that big one in life of David...) and how unanointed hearts are unable to see God's provision in the face of a giant. Because for every giant that steps into our lives, God has a provision but we need to be tuned into the Holy Spirit in order to see it. For those without anointed hearts, "the power of God is an inspiring myth rather than a powerful reality". And a quote that I particularly loved... "when anointing is lost (and Rock had a good definition of anointing that I didn't write down but feel free to go to acac.net and listen to the whole thing for yourself!) people become realistic". How guilty of that am I??? I like to think that my practical qualities are an assest (and in many venues of life, I'm sure that is true), but how often do I discount the power of God in the face of "reality"? I'm pretty sure that the omnipotent, omnipresent Creator of the universe, human life and all things great and small doesn't need me to break things down for Him. Cancer certainly has its realities, and death is among them, but I am happy to say that even though there are some days when I can't seem to escape my feelings of impending doom, my first instinct in the face of this giant was to claim the Lord's provision - whatever that may mean for us. So, in case you find yourself in some similar spot, I will pass Rock's closing admonish on to you (just in case you aren't as savvy with your ipod...)...

"Don't waste your giants! Let them become occasions for the honor of God."

p.s and for everyone who has asked for the name of the devotional book that I mentioned last time... it's called: "Jesus Calling" by a woman named Sarah Young. enjoy!

And so it REALLY begins...

I guess now that I am truly convinced that I have cancer. Sitting in that chemo room and getting down to the nitty gritty will do that to a person, I suppose. It was hard to hear all of the possible side effects again but one big praise was that - so far- I didn't react to the Taxotere (which could cause shortness of breath & pain - however, this usually happens on the second dose so tune in in a couple of weeks for the final verdict on that...). Once again we were there for 5 1/2 hours (we left the house around 7:15am and got home around 2:15) and they say that my treatments will take around 3 hours each (not counting the part where you sit in the waiting room for at least an hour...). So far I am tired with a dull headache and my stomach is feeling funky but who knows how much of that is truly chemo and how much is the power of suggestion?? I guess that I'll know more in a couple of days. Thank you all for your prayers. It was a tough morning (I got all weepy again when I asked to make my appointment later so that I could make it to Parker's first day of school where they take a picture of you & your mom to put on the wall, etc. etc. and again before chemo started... ugh, I don't really enjoy the "weepy" Kristen too much... I'd like to send her back from whence she came). This continues to be such a roller coaster ride and I run the gamut between confidence and faith to weepiness and despair. I have no idea where I would be without the multitude of prayer support... I know that it is what serves to keep us going.

We spent an awesome weekend at the cabin (hence the pic of the kids... although, everyone looks so weary! We need to start doing the group shot at the beginning of the weekend...) catching up, fishing, barbecuing chicken, etc. etc. The guys even got away to golf. We got too little sleep but it was all worth it to spend time with such amazing friends! It never seems like long enough either... one of these years we need to extend it by a day. :)

We also got to spend Monday back here in Pittsburgh at Idlewild park (I know... it turns out that I was trying to cram a little too much into my chemo-free days, but I'm glad that I did it for the kids - the laundry will get finished some day, right??) with good friends from our neighborhood. whew...

Now, chemo has begun and school is right around the corner. I can hardly believe it. It will be particularly difficult to send my firstborn away for the entire day!?!! wow. But for now we are focused on getting through this and looking forward for the day when it is ALL over (at least the day-to-day cancer stuff anyway!). You all are such a huge part of that for us and we love you all for it!!

This afternoon, after a very long day, I picked up one of my new devotionals (thanks Norene!) and found some incredibly appropriate (although not always easy to hear...) words:

"Expect to encounter adversity in your life, remembering that you live in a deeply fallen world. Stop trying to find a way that circumvents difficulties. The main problem with an easy life is that it masks your need for Me. When you became a Christian, I infused My very Life into you, empowering you to live on a supernatural plane by depending on Me.

Anticipate coming face to face with impossibilities: situations totally beyond your ability to handle. This awareness of your inadequacy is not something you should try to evade. It is precisely where I want you - the best place to encounter Me in My Glory and Power. When you see armies of problems marching toward you, cry out to Me! Allow Me to fight for you. Watch Me working on your behalf, as you rest in the shadow of My Almighty Peace."

The latest round

Well, we spent a full day running around Magee and visiting a prosthesis establishment (and, just between you and me Alexa... OH MY. Is it not obvious that I am under 65??? Not that there is anything wrong with that age, mind you...). It was more needles (ALL in my left arm these days... that port is looking better and better and I am planning to have a very detailed conversation about it with the chemo nurse on Tuesday), more tests, more blood and more doctors. Our radiation oncologist was flabbergasted that the Avastin study wouldn't permit my involvement based on a focal positive margin since, in his words, it is so common in mastectomy patients. Which does make sense since they take absolutely all the tissue that they can take (without getting into the pectoralis musculature - nobody does that anymore apparently) so if any positive margins remain, no matter how small, there is nothing else to do except chemo & radiation. If that is truly the case, my cynical mind can't help but think that it is a sneaky way to pad the stats (if you exclude the people who are most likely to recur, your drug looks a lot more effective when the recurrence rate is lower... hmm??). However, I do believe that God's hand is all over my life (before cancer and definitely all the way through it...) so I have to trust that everything is going according to His plan no matter how disjointed it all seems to me. And even though Dr. Beriwal talked about this positive margin like it was nothing and mentioned that he could see my tumor touching my chest wall in all of the imagery (mri, etc.) - which should have really upset me, I found that I just don't have the energy to be getting too upset about this anymore (at least right now anyway... stay tuned until Tuesday if you are looking for drama).

Following all of the cancer craziness we rushed home to change and headed out to the Steelers first preseason game with the Haynes', Hurst's and Kuhn's in support of Urban Impact Foundation (thanks to the Haynes!!). It was an great time to hang out, show our support for something awesome and see some football! Now I am looking forward to spending a little time with my dear friend Shelly (you all love her, I know - me too!) and rushing around to pack up for our annual trip to the mountains. It seems that we have been fitting in all kinds of things this week in anticipation of what is to come, but if you didn't fit into that crazy schedule it's ok... I'd like to stop viewing chemo like the end of all things fun. I have no doubt that there are going to be some bad days and that I am not going to be feeling 100 percent. However, I do hope that there will be those moments when I can do some enjoyable things in the next 18 - 20 weeks! :)

I know that I've said this many times before, but it is so important that it bears repeating over and over... your ongoing overabundance of support, childcare, playdates, prayers, packages, meals, cards, emails and love is such a gift to us. It's a gift that we have no idea how to repay or properly acknowledge. Shawna tells me that "proper" acknowledgement is as simple as "thank you" but to my ears that just sounds so small in the face of something so HUGE. This wig gift is beyond what I know how to accept, but I don't want to insult your incredible generosity and love to us. Please know that it brings me to tears every time we talk about it and I pray that God will express to your hearts individually what your unbelievable care has meant to us. I don't feel worthy of any of this... and somehow I feel guilty, like all of the things that you all do for me and for us is taking something away from other breast cancer patients. Do they all receive this much love and attention?? How is it that I get so much? Am I getting more than my share??? And more than ever it makes me so conscious that this is something that God allowed into my life for a much bigger purpose. I just continue to pray that He will help me to live up to it.

You wonder why...

...we never want to get our hopes up?? Well... we were all set to start chemo on the 18th, planning on 4 cycles of AC followed by 12 of Taxol in addition to a promising clinical trial for Avastin that could potentially prolong my disease-free interval (the period between this cancer and a recurrence... something crucial for me). As it turns out, via a phone call from Dr. Puhalla at about 5:30 this evening, everything has changed. I have a focal (meaning limited to one or two microscopic fields) positive margin (there was tumor found in a small area that touched my pectoralis muscle. After surgery you want to find negative margins, which means that they removed every speck of visible cancer). Supposedly this is "fine" (but there was cancer touching my chest wall... not sure who this is fine for... doesn't really sound like it is fine for ME...), but it precludes me from participation in the clinical trial. Since I do understand research protocol, I get why it is this way, but it is still difficult to give up on something that may have helped to prolong my life. Additionally, because I won't now be participating in this protocol they want to change my chemo protocol to a TAC (adriamycin, cytoxin and taxotere instead of taxol)schedule. This does take treatment time from 24 weeks to 18 but it is more drug in less cycles so you can just imagine what that may mean for my general health. Now I will go every three weeks for the entire time (which is nicer in terms of mileage and parking fees...). Dr. Puhalla is also trying to get me into another study that involves bisphosphanates which are proven to reduce bone loss (a not so good side effect of chemo for many reasons) but have also shown some promise in reducing recurrence. We feel like we spent a lot of time considering everything that went into the last chemo schedule and the clinical trial and all of the above was decided in about 20 minutes on the phone while I was juggling Neely and making dinner. It's overwhelming... but maybe I've mentioned that before... Regardless of the way we feel or anything else really, we start at 8am on the 18th. (and, in case you're counting weeks, finish up 3 days before Christmas...) I know everyone wants to remind me to take it one day at a time, but they didn't hack out my personality with everything else that they've hacked out of me, so I can't help but take notice of the fact that one of my favorite times of the year will be saturated with cancer-induced ugliness. I am still really trying hard to pray big for minimum side effects and a continuously positive attitude, but that day is not today.

Shawna and I juggled our schedules to attend the American Cancer Society's "Look Good Feel Better" seminar at Passavant today and the woman scheduled to run it never showed up (are you seeing a theme with this day??). Not sure when the next convenient time and place will be but I will probably try to give that another shot... I just don't even feel like checking their website today.

We also did some wig shopping earlier this week which was a lot harder than I had imagined, but I am so thankful that some of the girls were able to be there with me to lighten the mood and share the tears. I didn't make any decisions on that just yet... I'm still in sticker shock and am having trouble imagining myself wearing it out in public. It just seems like such an exorbitant amount to pay for something that truly is short term. I'm still debating about whether or not I can just deal with the hair loss...

Every one of these steps along the way take me farther away from the person that I was just three months ago and I'm so afraid that I won't ever be anything like her (in the good ways) again... I know that there are some positive changes - like awareness of the moment, feeling so loved and cared for, appreciating God's goodness in a new way - but there are too many negatives to count and sometimes they swallow me up. Sometimes I'm just more edgy and quick to snap about things. Less aware of the moment or down on myself because I'm not enjoying it as I should be. Unhappy in my skin but feeling like I should be appreciating every last moment that I'm allowed to have in what's left of it. I guess that this is just one of the bad days. Maybe it will get easier when the next 8 or 10 months are behind us. I just hate dragging everyone that I love through a constant cancer maze and sometimes wish that I had never told anyone (although the baldness would've been REALLY difficult to explain...). Today is just a bad day...

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to You

and raised me up again

my strength is almost gone

how can I carry on

if I can't find You

and as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

the God who gives and takes away

Hiatus

Hello all. I have been on a little cancer hiatus over the past week or so and almost feeling like... myself!! (until I walk past a mirror or get a phone call from the woman who is doing my impending wig fitting...) I think that I've been subconsciously avoiding updates because that makes me feel a little "sicker"... if that makes any sense at all. I remember before I started this that Shawna suggested that I do a Caring Bridge page just to keep everyone informed. While it was a great idea... I just couldn't do it "that" way because it was like admitting I am sick. Even though I have been all hacked up (and that really is how it feels) and every time I change my clothes (or move, really...) I am constantly reminded, I have still managed to mentally not go to a place where I am actually sick. That sounds ridiculous even to write, but I am realizing more and more the closer that I get to chemotherapy, that it is true. I'm not sure if that is some sort of defense mechanism, but I truly can't identify with the idea that I am actually very sick.

So, I am in the process of finding a wig that will make me feel a little more like me in the roughest of the bald times. My fabulous friend Brittany located this amazing woman in New York City - who has an unbelievable cancer story of her own - that decided that this wig thing needed an overhaul so she created her own company that comes to you with fabulous (or so they tell me...) wigs. We have decided to make a little party of the occasion (I'm not sure if I'll be able to "enjoy" it or if I'll just suddenly break down in the midst of it...) and pick out some new hair. I have also been starting to collect a few hats (most notably so far, the COOLEST BU hat that Ed found for me!!!!) and head scarves but I think that they all look funny on me. (I guess that I'm either going to have to get over that or embrace complete baldness...)

I am also all set to attend an American Cancer Society sponsored "Look Good Feel Better" event that teaches you how to do your make-up in the midst of chemo (you know, so that you can draw on eyebrows that don't make you look like a drag queen and attempt to do something about the grayish color that becomes your new skin tone). Should be interesting...

Yesterday I met with the research coordinator for the clinical trial that I am participating in. She looks to be about my age and we got to talking about research in general. I mentioned what I used to do with the NHL and Drs. Lovell & Collins and interestingly enough, her husband had had a hockey-related head injury and seen Mick! Small world... Anyhow, she could clearly tell that I had been involved in research due to my Type A nature (and the huge binder that encompasses my cancer care and goes everywhere with me). Some people laugh at that, but truly it is my cancer coping mechanism. It has clearly labeled folders for every physician, pertinent research info., a small binder with everyone's cards, a calendar, etc. etc. It is the only way that I know to deal with something this overwhelming. Being organized (and my house being clean...) are my peace right now. And, speaking of being organized, I am WAY behind on answering emails and a lot of the time, I think that I've answered them (because I formulate answers in my head although it doesn't physically happen...), but I actually haven't! If you are in that no man's land waiting to hear something from me... I am sorry!! I feel like I spend entirely too much time on this computer already trying to track down acupuncturists, wig-makers, research on Avastin, etc. etc. and then I never actually attend to the people who love me and are checking in on us... I apologize!

So... this weekend marks our 11th anniversary (wow!) and my parents are sending us away to a bed-and-breakfast (I think mainly because they are worried about our sanity in the midst of this... ha ha). They are coming here to hang with the kiddos (even thinking that they will attempt church... that should be interesting). I can't wait to just ride in the car alone together... We really have been pretty short on time to just be together - especially while I'm feeling rather healthy. It should be a nice respite and another great way to escape cancer in the short term! Thank you, thank you mom & dad!!

Next week begins a whole new round of cancer-related tasks that will bring us back to reality in a hurry. We've got... wig-fest, make-up for cancer patients 101, a MUGA test (apparently adriamycin can be hard on your heart so they need to check things out prior to shooting you up) and a visit to the radiation oncologist (because you'd hate to forget what ELSE is coming up...). Thankfully, Grandma will be back from her pilgrimage northward for a family wedding (how cool that Darin's cousin is getting married on our anniversary?? As it turns out, I believe that there was a great grandparent married on that day as well?? - Vicki will probably read this and set me straight on that... anyhow... I say that it is a fabulous day to be married!) and hopefully she'll be refreshed as well and ready to plunge right back into cancerland. (sorry Audrey... you're probably wishing that Darin could've done some investigative medical testing on his choice of bride right about now... ha ha) We are so thankful (for ALL of you...) for the continued support of our families. I really can't imagine what any of this would look like without them...

I have no idea what I will actually face in chemo, but I am loving Amy Gerwing's advice to PRAY BIG. Knowing that regardless of what I actually experience, this entire experience is going to be trying (and long... the first infusion will take over 2 hours!), my incredible husband read my mind (he claims that he isn't capable of that, but this is proof otherwise - so no more getting away with not knowing what I want!!) and got me an ipod for our anniversary (it makes the leather Reef sandals that I got him really seem kind of lame...). And just as I was about to ask to borrow one too... So now I just need to figure out how to use it. I think that the first thing that I am going to load is the following song by Casting Crowns that has been carrying us both through the past months:

I was sure by now

That You would have reached down

And wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day

But once again,

I say "Amen",

and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain "I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

Every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

The end of the song references Psalm 121 which is a great reminder for me...

"I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber..." Psalm 121:1-3

Enjoy this pic from our incredible day at Kennywood for Parker's best friend Colin's 5th birthday celebration. The kids had such a great time and Dryden even rode the Jack Rabbit twice (with Britt - I wasn't really ready for anything more eventful than the Turnpike...). It brought such a smile to my face as I remember it to be the first roller coaster that my roller coaster-loving father took me on... what a day...