...appointments! Today we are off to see another radiation oncologist. This one is at Passavant where I will actually be having my treatments. It is so nice to be able to cut the distance in half and to eliminate the parking expense. But I'm really having a hard time drumming up any enthusiasm about another round of anything! I know that I should be reviewing my notes from my last radiation oncology appointment and doing a little research about whatever other questions I should be asking... but all that I really feel like doing is decorating my home for the holidays and baking cookies! :) I'll be sorry later that I wasn't better prepared, but right now... I'm not. ha ha.
So, it has been a slow recovery from chemo again this time around. My taste buds are still being incredibly resistant to eating anything that resembles real food and my stomach is mounting a serious objection to being near-empty all the time. I did have some fantastic sauteed eggplant from my staple joint - Jimmy Wan's (apparently they have removed the "Tai Pei" portion from the name??). I know that it sounds ridiculous but that is what I felt like I wanted and I had it on two straight days. I don't know how to explain what happens to your taste or your tongue or whatever, but it is really brutal. I've also had incredible troubles sleeping over the past... month... The night sweats and hot flashes persist unmercilessly and I'm laying awake feeling annoyed, a LOT. oh well. The chemo is over and I am just longing to feel normal, taste normally and live normally! As much as I have appreciated the unbelievable outpouring of support and care, I do look forward to the day when I am taking care of all of my own issues again (but maybe Audrey could stay long term... :) it is SOOO fun having a Grandma around all the time!!!).
This week I am starting to lift my ban on all public places (viruses be damned! no, seriously, be damned... straight to hell, all of you!) because I can hardly stand to stay home anymore and because it is one of my favorite times of the year and I have lots to do! (there actually is a limit on how much internet shopping one can do) I think that I am going to need a lot of extra prayers to stay healthy for the actual holiday (and goodness knows that pre-cancer we had our share of unbelievable sick holiday stories... maybe that should be my second book, a memoir about awful vomiting holidays...). I even made it to church on Sunday with my goal being to be there every Sunday this month. We'll see! It was so great to be out and to be in God's house again. I was planning to be very strict about hugging people and then the first person that I saw was Shawna. Forget it... I think that we were both in tears. Why is that?? I have so hated being "your friend with cancer" and I so miss just being a daughter, friend, wife, mother, etc. I feel so disconnected from everyone else's lives (and quite a bit from my own, for that matter). The words, "I just wish that things were different" came out of my mouth to Darin last night and before I knew it I was dissolved in tears. I don't think that I realized how much that sums up exactly what I feel inside until I said it. And then I felt so guilty because obviously this is what God has for me so how dare that I wish that things were different? In fact, if things were different and NOT of God's will, they'd probably be worse, right?? Oh, I pray for that "yet not my will, but Yours be done" attitude.
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