Absent

I always know that it has been an inordinately long time since I have managed to post anything when I start to get the emails... People are just caring, loving and concerned but what they really want to say is, "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON WITH YOU???". If I'm honest (and really, why stop now??), I'm struggling. I'm mired in a bit of a pit right now and seem to just be wallowing there searching the basement freezer for old, leftover Christmas cookies while I sit immobilized on the couch (during naptime, of course!) watching old reruns of Law & Order (I think that "SVU" is my favorite...). It isn't pretty. I didn't gain the dreaded chemo weight but I've put a whole bunch on since then! Enough already with the indulgent, "I deserve this" eating. Actually, now it is more like "wallowing in self-pity" eating... ugh.

The good news is that I finally called about the shoulder lesion biopsy and while they said that it wasn't nothing, it isn't anything to be concerned about. They called it a "deep" scar or some such thing. But... it's not cancer! yay!

I finally heard from the coordinator of the bisphosphanate study that I signed the consent for 6 weeks ago and wouldn't you know it, I was randomized into the arm for the IV drug. UGH. Looks like I should probably get comfortable with this port because now I'll probably be holding onto it for another 2 years!!

Radiation is producing a lot of itchiness and redness but I guess nothing that they weren't expecting. They did a lot of lecturing today about taking it easy, resting, etc. etc. I guess that if you try to keep pushing through the fatigue there is a high likelihood that you will totally crash. I'm trying to heed those warnings but that is just not something that I am really good at and... I'm just so completely over all of this stuff!!! I just want to get on with my life already. I keep wondering at what point I will realize that this IS my life...

So, that is the gist of it. We are up and down, mostly down right now. Darin came across some headline about a prior Survivor contestant who recently died of stage III breast cancer at 37, we picked up a random movie off of the Redbox only to find that the main female character dies of cancer, slowly... I think that all the everything of the past 8 months is just catching us and while we are functioning and doing "fine" in a day-to-day sense, we are just so, so weary of the journey. Our emotions are raw and our strength is fading. (which probably means that we are relying far too heavily on our own capabilities and not enough on the Lord!) Without ever verbalizing it, it seems that we are just trying to get through the rest of these treatments and whatever side effects they bring by gritting our teeth and hanging on for dear life. Keep the prayers (and the meals... goodness knows that I don't need to eat but neither do I have the energy to plan or cook! ha ha) coming. We need them now almost more than ever. You have all been so incredibly faithful to us that I hate to ask for more, but this feels like one of those times when we just look to heaven but can't even seem to muster the words. We need some peace, some rest and some kind of mental and emotional escape from this cancer world...