What if...

I have been having a lot of difficulty sleeping over the past several nights (and not for the usual reason of being ridiculously sweat-soaked, hot, chilled, etc. etc.) as we have quietly passed the one year mark of discovering the lump that changed our lives. For some reason April 29th stuck in my head as the day that it was found, but as it turns out (with a glance back at my Outlook calendar...) that was the day that I went to my family doctor and had a moment's respite as she was "almost certain" that it was a cyst. Therefore, that makes the date of discovery Sunday, April 26th. An evening like so many others, I'm sure, until I was getting ready for bed (most of you know what kind of pjs we wear around here... ha ha) and noticed something that didn't seem like it should be there. I distinctly remember being in the shower on Monday letting my mind wander to all of those scary "what if" places (we like to call it, "the dark side", and it is...). It was enough to bring me to tears THEN imagining telling my husband that I may not be here to raise this family with him, travel to their college parents weekend sporting events, golf together into our sunset years... nevermind my children, our parents, brothers and friends. But that couldn't happen to me, right?? That is something that you read heart wrenching articles about in Real Simple, not something that actually happens to young, happy people with small children and so much to offer. (only old, miserable folks... ha ha)

And now a year has passed... a whole year. Right now it seems like that was 10 years ago (and I'm pretty sure that chemo and radiation have probably aged my insides by at least that much). As much as our life likely appears to be the same, trust me when I tell you that nothing is the same and it never will be. Some of that is good, in fact very good... my perspective on life will never be "the same", my ability to cherish life, family, friends, moments is vastly improved and my desire to be whatever it is that God wants for me to be is real. I always thought that was what I wanted, but now I know it to be true. I'm far, far less concerned with whatever it was that concerned me about me. I want His perspective, His direction and His plan to be primary. Unfortunately all of this perspective and mental clarity did not come with perfect implementation. Alas, I am still human. I fail. A LOT... ha ha. But I even deal with that better.

I went to Sarah Young in "Jesus Calling" today to read what was there for me on April 26... It should come as no surprise that it was... perfect...

"Welcome problems as perspective-lifters. ... You can lash out at the difficulty, resenting it and feeling sorry for yourself. This will take you down into a pit of self-pity. Alternatively, the problem can be a ladder, enabling you to climb up and see your life from My perspective. ... Once your perspective has been heightened, you can look away from the problem altogether. Turn toward Me, and see the Light of My Presence shining upon you."

wow...

Now, today, as I am often struggling with serious irritation with what I am left with... lymphedema, intense hormone issues, the question of when (not if) this cancer will return, I again turn to this, my favorite devotional, and read these incredible words:

"When some basic need is lacking - time, energy, money (health??) - consider yourself blessed. Your very lack is an opportunity to latch onto Me in unashamed dependence. ... The truth is that self-sufficiency is a myth perpetuated by pride and temporary success. Health and wealth can disappear instantly, as can life itself. Rejoice in your insufficiency, knowing that My Power is made perfect in weakness."