The doctor behind door number ONE...

I'm sitting here tonight waiting for my toenails to dry, (I have cancer, I can't just COMPLETELY let myself go, you know) and wondering if I'm ready for what tomorrow morning will bring. I wish I could just say that I felt like, "bring it on!!!" but I feel more like... "this burden is too heavy and I just can't do it". I'm feeling like I need to apologize to all of you who really thought that I was just sailing along in this cancer thing with my superwoman cape on. I only bring that out on really special occasions... like Halloween...

Tomorrow morning at 10am we will meet Dr. Gretchen Ahrendt. She, as well as the group that she is a part of, has come to us very highly recommended and we are anxious to get her take on what is going on here. I spoke with her nurse on the phone yesterday for about 30 minutes about all of the same stuff - family history (or lack thereof), health status, etc. etc. She also brought me a little more up to speed on my diagnosis by explaining that not only do I have IDC, I also have Ductal Carcinoma Insitu. Which means that there is cancer pretty much everywhere in there. Ugh. I guess that they will be checking for the MRI films online (that's how they do things nowadays... just call 'em up online. "Hey, check out the new summer stuff on Bodenusa.com and then call up that Hawn girl's MRI pics, ok?") so I may get some word on that as well. Once again she reminded me that the MRI will most likely send me back in for some more biopsy work (the big drawback to MRI is that it lights up everything, which is why it is not currently being used as a screening tool like mammography - in case you were wondering) but not to get too panicked (oh, ok... no problem) because it usually (again, don't panic here) isn't more cancer. Right now we are having a hard time thinking too positively because I'm not sure that we could withstand another crushing disappointment. Until we have all of the information, I think that it is just a little safer to operate with the worst in mind so that we can be pleasantly surprised when that is not the case.

As soon as the appointment is over (and our brains are completely overloaded with very important information that we don't fully understand but upon which we will be expected to make life-altering decisions in the very near future) we will race home, make some sandwiches and pack PJ into the car for what we have told him is a "very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, VERY, VERY, very long drive". He can't wait. Dryden has been walking around all evening saying, "goodbye Mom & Dad. I will miss you guys. Tell me ALL about it when you get home". Before I read him his story choice tonight (no surprise it was a Veggie Tale take on Star Wars featuring Larry the Cucumber as Dark Visor), I asked him if he would talk to me on the phone while I was gone. He nodded and then said, "but what if I just started playing something when you call?". ha ha... guess I'll just have to call back later then, buddy! While we are looking forward to meeting little Mia (and is my sister-in-law not a saint for taking us in on the DAY that she gets home from the hospital with her new baby???) and going to the wedding... we are already exhausted and not sure how our bodies will respond to this quick turnaround. Add it to your prayer list if it isn't too long already...

Today I enjoyed a leisurely visit to Whole Foods (I'd better be careful what I write about because it seems to magically appear... did I mention that we thought a BEACH VACATION would be fabulous when this is all over???) to stock my pantry with bulgur, whole wheat couscous, everything flax infused and whatnot, in addition to spending some time with a very close friend who graciously allowed me to blather on the entire time and then say, "what? I don't think you talked the whole time at all". (thank you Nikki!) In addition I received a beautiful little cross pendant that is hanging here next to my computer that says: "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust." Psalm 91:2 I do know that He is here building up those walls of our fortress around us and that they are composed of all of you and your faithful prayers. Even though my burden feels so heavy right now, I can't imagine what that weight would be like if I were carrying it all alone! "Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens." Psalm68:19 Thank you Lord.