The latest round

Well, we spent a full day running around Magee and visiting a prosthesis establishment (and, just between you and me Alexa... OH MY. Is it not obvious that I am under 65??? Not that there is anything wrong with that age, mind you...). It was more needles (ALL in my left arm these days... that port is looking better and better and I am planning to have a very detailed conversation about it with the chemo nurse on Tuesday), more tests, more blood and more doctors. Our radiation oncologist was flabbergasted that the Avastin study wouldn't permit my involvement based on a focal positive margin since, in his words, it is so common in mastectomy patients. Which does make sense since they take absolutely all the tissue that they can take (without getting into the pectoralis musculature - nobody does that anymore apparently) so if any positive margins remain, no matter how small, there is nothing else to do except chemo & radiation. If that is truly the case, my cynical mind can't help but think that it is a sneaky way to pad the stats (if you exclude the people who are most likely to recur, your drug looks a lot more effective when the recurrence rate is lower... hmm??). However, I do believe that God's hand is all over my life (before cancer and definitely all the way through it...) so I have to trust that everything is going according to His plan no matter how disjointed it all seems to me. And even though Dr. Beriwal talked about this positive margin like it was nothing and mentioned that he could see my tumor touching my chest wall in all of the imagery (mri, etc.) - which should have really upset me, I found that I just don't have the energy to be getting too upset about this anymore (at least right now anyway... stay tuned until Tuesday if you are looking for drama).

Following all of the cancer craziness we rushed home to change and headed out to the Steelers first preseason game with the Haynes', Hurst's and Kuhn's in support of Urban Impact Foundation (thanks to the Haynes!!). It was an great time to hang out, show our support for something awesome and see some football! Now I am looking forward to spending a little time with my dear friend Shelly (you all love her, I know - me too!) and rushing around to pack up for our annual trip to the mountains. It seems that we have been fitting in all kinds of things this week in anticipation of what is to come, but if you didn't fit into that crazy schedule it's ok... I'd like to stop viewing chemo like the end of all things fun. I have no doubt that there are going to be some bad days and that I am not going to be feeling 100 percent. However, I do hope that there will be those moments when I can do some enjoyable things in the next 18 - 20 weeks! :)

I know that I've said this many times before, but it is so important that it bears repeating over and over... your ongoing overabundance of support, childcare, playdates, prayers, packages, meals, cards, emails and love is such a gift to us. It's a gift that we have no idea how to repay or properly acknowledge. Shawna tells me that "proper" acknowledgement is as simple as "thank you" but to my ears that just sounds so small in the face of something so HUGE. This wig gift is beyond what I know how to accept, but I don't want to insult your incredible generosity and love to us. Please know that it brings me to tears every time we talk about it and I pray that God will express to your hearts individually what your unbelievable care has meant to us. I don't feel worthy of any of this... and somehow I feel guilty, like all of the things that you all do for me and for us is taking something away from other breast cancer patients. Do they all receive this much love and attention?? How is it that I get so much? Am I getting more than my share??? And more than ever it makes me so conscious that this is something that God allowed into my life for a much bigger purpose. I just continue to pray that He will help me to live up to it.