Portal

...into my jugular vein... I'm not going to lie, it's weird. AND, you are awake for the whole thing (and in my case, asking more questions than you actually want the answers to...). My doc was so into educating me (which is great, really) that he took pictures on his iphone so that he could show me the actual wound site since it would be covered with a bandage when I left. He also agreed to let me remove my own stitches (which, in truth, means that Darin will be removing them because they are in an awkward location. I'll bet you're so thankful for that financial planning education that will help you through this, eh Love??), so he rocks!! I'm all about avoiding any extra trips to the hospital (from what I hear that is the prime locale to pick up the swine flu... ha ha. I'm just kidding - about being paranoid - it is the best place to get sick). So, the port thing went fine but it was very awkward (it is located right up under my clavicle and while I have plenty of suet on my lower half, my chest is devoid of it so "creating the pocket" in the chest adipose tissue consisted of planting it on top of my pectoralis muscle) and it is still quite sore. Especially when a wriggly little 21 month old keeps insisting that I "hold you me". (who can resist THAT??)

Grandma has been awesome (with some help from Halley, who apparently was on-call for the Hawns all weekend... you rock too Hal!) in caring for the kids and giving me my periodic "day of moping". I'm finding that every so often I need to take a day to be crabby and just feel sorry for myself. It sounds even more pathetic to put it into writing, but for some reason it is a necessary thing. I'm afraid that otherwise the self-pity would seep into too many other days and I would become overly self-absorbed and unbearable. Hopefully this way it is somewhat contained and I can quietly regain the perspective that I need to keep me focused on God's plan for Kristen's cancer and not get sidetracked by my humanity. There's a great Francesca Battistelli song (are you catching the theme here?? Everyone is getting a little annoyed at you now, Scott, for getting that ipod! ha ha) that has a chorus that says:

I’m letting go

Of the life I planned for me

And my dreams

Losing control

Of my destiny

Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe

So I’m letting go

...and that's how I've been feeling all along this journey. I held on tightly for awhile, but now I'm just letting go and letting God. Don't admire me, I love the Lord and in light of that, I don't really have any other choice. I'm not sure that I could've voluntarily done this (which is probably why I'm here... word to the wise!), but I have a feeling that seeking the center of His will in cancer is better than my best day as a healthy girl. A wise friend told me this morning of another friend with cancer who would often say, "I don't want to waste this cancer" and I echo those sentiments. Lord, don't let me waste this opportunity to truly live my life for you!

I send my little Parker J to 4-year-old preschool this Tuesday and he is struggling with the whole idea. Any new thing is a stretch for my little homebody and now it is complicated by cancer. Just this evening he was being a little wild while we were getting ready for bed and he accidentally smacked me in the eye. It really hurt and I doubled over, but the scary thing was the way that he burst into tears and said something to the effect of, "now I've made your cancer so much worse". To think that he believes that he can make things "worse" in this situation breaks my heart. He talks about my cancer every day and how he wishes that I didn't have it, how he doesn't understand why I have to have it and how he wants to use his special power of kissing (his Grammy once told him that his love of kissing babies - literally, if any baby comes into his radius of sight, it is getting kissed gently on the head - is a special power from God to make them happy) to help heal me. I just pray that he can get some peace in all of this and feel secure in God's love for him that can overcome all fear.

Dryden is just interested in my baldness and trying hard not to snicker about it. Neely likes to point to my wig and say "Mama's hair"... "put on". ha ha. What's difficult for me with her is to hear her say, every time that I put her down for a nap, "Mama west in Mama's bet" because she knows that I'm going to be resting too. Somehow it makes me feel like I am shirking my "mama" responsibilities by spending so much time resting. (and you could say that she'll never remember it, but since I was stupid enough to record it all for posterity she'll swear that she remembers every moment!) Regardless... they are treasures and have been a great source of strength and humor (and sometimes frustration... what is it with all of the bickering, don't they know that I have cancer??). We have, at long last, ordered a bevy of pictures of the little tykes to completely decorate our home (we've finally realized that fancy art is not us... family pictures are much more our style!). If you're looking for someone wonderful to photograph your family be sure to contact Andrea Shilling at Family Art Photography!! (couldn't resist that little shout out... she truly is awesome!) So now we'll be surrounded by their crazy little smiles at every turn. I think that it will be perfect.