Chemo #3

ugh... I'm not sure that there is any more succinct way to sum up the past 5 or so days. It has been rough this time but no one said it would be easy, so here we are! I'm so thankful that my mom could be here to keep the kids rolling on their usual schedules (and SO MANY thanks to the rest of you who regularly pitch in to make that happen... wow... we are so blessed to have you all in our lives!). Being mom, she also froze my languishing corn & tomatoes, cleaned my fridge, mended Parker's camo shorts that have been waiting for me to get-around-to-it all summer and did all of the ironing that bursts forth from a family of 5. (all of that to say, she stood in your shoes very nicely, Audrey! ha ha... ) I spent a lot of time feeling absolutely crummy, trying in vain to think of things to eat (all the while perusing Cooking Light, Real Simple, Fine Cooking and Food Network magazines drooling over what I'd like to be cooking and eating...) and desperately trying to convince myself of what everyone else has been championing... "halfway there"! However, all that I could usually come up with was, "I have to do this - with increasing difficulty - THREE more times????". ugh. I can't even begin to describe the feeling... the taste, the headaches, the fatigue... just the general drugged-out haze that is pervasive throughout. It is truly the most difficult thing that I have ever had to endure. And this time - especially - I felt like I was really negative. I'm disappointed in myself and sad that I wasn't better able to rise to the occasion. It wasn't like I was surprised that I didn't feel good or as if I thought it would be different. I just wasn't very strong in the face of evil. I caved to my sadness and the overall yuckiness of the situation. I'm sorry! And then naturally, yesterday, as I was finally starting to pray again in a more directed way (beyond, "please get me through this" and "please make this worth it for MANY, MANY years to come"), I picked up my little devotional by Sarah Young and read these words:

"When many things seem to be going wrong, trust Me. These are supernatural responses, and they can lift you above your circumstances. If you do what comes naturally in the face of difficulties, you may fall prey to negativism." (hmm... you think so???) ... "Cry out to Me in My Name! Affirm your trust in Me, regardless of how you feel."...

wow... what a great reminder of where I was and where I need to be. I guess that I have something (else) to be working on between now and October 20 (which comes up soooo much faster than you realize... I had a neighbor say to me right before this last treatment, "is it here already? It is not even me going through it and it seems like it comes up really quickly!" yes, it does!). It is so true that giving in to just a few complaints leads you down a road of negativism that it is tough to come back from. I know that I am not in this place to be negative and downtrodden but I am also realistic enough to know that I am not going to be able to achieve a positive outlook on any of this without the Lord's intervention. It truly is a supernatural response that only He is the author of, so my job is not to focus on "doing better" but relying better on Him for my strength and attitude. I'll keep you posted! (no internet humor intended...)

So... I'm starting to emerge from the haze slowly. I descended much faster this time and stayed down a lot longer. But it is getting a little bit better. However, now our dear little Dryden is quite sick (so sorry to anyone he came in contact with over the past several days!! it started out so innocently with a dry cough and ended up with an ongoing fever since Saturday afternoon) but as I now hear, it is making the rounds at school. Hopefully we'll get him turned around quickly so that he can get back to school and please pray that everyone else will remain healthy!

It is a totally new normal here and a huge learning experience on a daily basis. Your prayers mean so much to each of us (including those who are constantly giving of themselves and their time for us), especially when our strength is failing and our attitudes are suffering.