A little bit miserable...

Yesterday the nightmare continued. I have had a small lesion (which started out looking like a little pimplish thing) on my right shoulder for about a month now. Which instead of looking better, has looked bigger and worse. At first I just attributed it to the fact that things simply take longer to heal when you are going through chemo, but when a couple more cropped up, I started to get suspicious. Because my Panic Button is stuck in the "on" position I thought about flesh-eating bacteria and other random worst-case scenarios but then all of the sudden, when I should've been sleeping, it dawned on me... MRSA. (google it... and then try not to panic) That was Friday night. Saturday morning I tried for FOUR hours to get through to the "nurse on-call". And this, after it took me the ENTIRE day on Thursday to get ahold of anyone from my oncologist's office to tell me what to do about Parker's swine flu and my own symptoms!!! I left two messages and then after regular business hours, paged at least twice before they called to tell me their standard: "go to the ER". When I refused based on the fact that I was pretty certain what I had after getting Parker's positive diagnosis and I wasn't about to pay $75 for a swab when, had someone returned my first call at 10:30am (or my second at 3:15 when my fever started, or for that matter my pages...), I could've at least just gone to MedExpress for $25!! Anyhow... I finally convinced the nurse to just page my doctor to talk to her about it and as it turned out, she had received my first two messages and left instructions for Tamiflu to be called in for me but somehow that had never been communicated to me. So, needless to say, I was pretty frustrated by Saturday morning when I couldn't reach anyone again. When I finally did get ahold of the nurse (it was the same one from the other night... so she knew that I wasn't going to want to go to the ER) she said that she had no idea what it could be but that I really needed to have it checked out (I understand that she can't diagnosis it over the phone, but what I'd really like out of the nurse on-call, is her gut feeling. Some advice on whether or not it is something to get worked up about. A little feedback and questioning rather than an automatic, "you are on chemo, so you should go to the ER".). So, off to MedExpress I go. The doctor there took one look at it and said, "oh... yeah... I can see why you would think this might be MRSA". She cultured it and sent it away but while I was there, I began coughing (as I have been doing quite a bit) and given my condition she suggested a chest x-ray even though my oxygen levels were good, I had no fever and my chest sounded clear. I consented just because I didn't want to be sent back in a day and I had thought that morning that my cough seemed to be much more in my chest than before. Naturally... she didn't like the look of the right lung and thought that I am likely developing pneumonia! FUN, FUN. Can you say MORE drugs??? At this point it is almost unbelievable. We'll know all of the results for certain hopefully by tomorrow afternoon but it doesn't really matter since I'm on all of the drugs already (although, I guess that they may switch me to some even more potent antibiotic if it is MRSA for sure). However, it has led us to the conclusion that my time in larger public arenas is probably over. We are just feeling like I can't be taking any chances that my treatments will be delayed or worse, postponed (it is incredibly important for future outcomes that everything happen on schedule). We realize that doesn't protect me from whatever the kids are being exposed to but we will just have to increase our handwashing and I guess, limit some of my contact with them. I just can't take too much more illness... So, please forgive me if I see you and don't get close or if you just don't see me anywhere for the next couple of months. It's been rough and it is maybe time for some greater precautions. In retrospect, as much as I do not want to deal with MRSA... it is very likely that it was God's providence to get me to MedExpress before a much more serious case of pneumonia put me in the hospital. I never would've gone based on my cough alone...

Regardless of all the bad news... we did get to enjoy Halloween in the neighborhood last evening. Parker has been fever-free since Friday morning so while he didn't attend the community party (and actually, Dryden didn't either... but that was conduct-related...) we did allow him to go trick-or-treating. Neely took a little spin around our cul de sac (until Daddy told her that she had "nuff" treats in her bag) and then she & I sat on the front step handing out candy. I wasn't feeling great but at least I could be out a little bit with everyone and enjoy the excitement. Thank you Lord for those little things!

We also heard from Grandma upon her re-entrance to this continent. She sounded tired but like she had a wonderful journey. Thank you Lord that her travels have been safe and that she has been able to enjoy herself away from all of this craziness for a time. And, best of all, it sounds like she finished just out of the medals in the Senior Games (the reason that she headed to Australia to begin with). We're so proud of you (especially since she has barely gotten to golf at ALL since giving up her life to come here and help us) Grandma Hawn!! Thank you for your sacrifices. It means so much to us.

I don't have a lot of great, Godly insights for our current place on the path as I have spent a couple of days wallowing in my own self-pity. I've had a hard time trying to find the bright side of all of this but please believe that even in my darkest hours, I don't doubt God. I just doubt my ability to be all that He wants me to be... I'm weak and I'm sad and I'm scared and sometimes I'm just tired of fighting. I'm so thankful that there are so many of you out there praying greater, bigger, grander things when all that I can do is beg for this to be over. So for me, all that I've got today is this wonderful little Kowot prayer from Edwidge Danticat:

"God grant me many more mornings, so that I might grow old with the ones I love"