Emerging from the "fog"

"Do not let any set of circumstances intimidate you. The more challenging your day, the more of My Power I place at your disposal."

Those are the words that I awoke to in my devotional the day after Chemo #5. Wow... what an awesome reminder for a set of circumstances that, I'm not afraid to tell you, REALLY intimidate me. Every time I wonder if I can do it even one more time. The pervasive feeling of awfulness is almost more than I can describe or explain. And it seems like it never ends! There were a lot of days last week of barely getting out of bed, barely taking a few minutes to see the kids, explain their needs to Grandma and then back to my vegetative state. Many more cuisine magazines bit the dust with countless more recipes filed than Julia Child could ever master. (but hey, it's something to work towards! And here's to hoping that I get to live long enough to try them ALL. Shawna is really marveling right now because she has seen my collection of binders... and cookbooks.... and recipe boxes - yes, I have more than one...) I've mulled over our Thanksgiving menu, our Christmas plans, what we will eat when Unlce Jord is here this week and everything in between. Sadly, A LOT of it centers around food... probably because it is so difficult to find anything that is palatable and by now I AM HUNGRY!!! I did end up back at Tai Pei (thanks to you, Sara & Jim!!! You rock!!!!!) but this time it was the spicy beef noodle soup (I know, I know, it sounds ridiculous but beef really hit the spot...) that saved me just a little bit from a maddening land of hard boiled eggs and oatmeal.

I am definitely feeling like it drags me under harder and faster and that it takes longer to recover but I am beyond elated in knowing that there is only one treatment remaining. It finally feels to me like I am reaching the end of a very, long, dark tunnel and I can see just a tiny bit of light (because, the truth is, I still have to do all of this ONE more time... it is THAT bad). We continue to be so grateful for your prayers, cards, calls, emails, meals and countless mood-boosting gifts. It is so amazing to be so continually remembered. This has seemed like forever to me (and even moreso now that I am pretty well home bound for fear of picking up any new viruses that may somehow delay anything or otherwise just bring me down!), but none of you have left us here to suffer alone. Praise the Lord for all of you. I hate being needy, I hate being weak and I hate feeling "sickly" but it is a wonderful lesson about how the body of Christ rallies around you when you are completely tapped out of your own strength. And isn't that right where God wants us to be anyhow?? (hopefully now I've got the message and I won't need any further such literal training...) Our strength is futile in the battle for our souls but God's strength (and that of His people whom He empowers) is more than we'll ever need. The most beautiful part?? All that we need to do in order to have access to this limitless bounty... is to ask. (and then praise Him for His faithfulness in supplying all of our needs!!!) I am grateful.

Don't be confused by my heavenly gratitude and thankfulness for the lessons of cancer, weakness and suffering. I'm human and I hate this condition, however, I am grateful to know the Lord and to have been intimately introduced to the power that He supplies in weakness. The blessings that He supplies in need (and beyond!), the love that He gives when we are sad and lonely and the every day infusion of JOY amidst suffering. No matter what happens in my life, I am grateful, I am blessed and I have a joy that I never understood before arriving here.

So... it's another Monday. We are knee deep into our laundry (I say "our" because it belongs to all of us but it almost sounds as if Neely & Parker are helping me... not quite...) and pondering sending Grandma on a Costco run, thinking about ordering the annual Christmas card and still stressing out over NATA CEUs (is there no exemption for the cancer-stricken??? where is the justice...). It was a peaceful weekend with Darin accomplishing countless household projects while I finally started to putter about fixing a few meals (we had some wonderful previously frozen minestrone, thanks Kim!) and generally interacting with the family again. We are looking forward to a visit from Uncle Jord this week. Travel safely and here's to a HEALTHY visit!! (ha ha, if you know us at all you know that we as a collective family have suffered through some seriously ill - all cancer aside, we're talking stomach flus, colds, etc. etc. - holidays & visits... here's to one that, although amidst an actual serious illness, is minor irritation free!)