Oops..

I'm still here. I'm in over in my head in my own life... does that make any sense? Who knew that the greatly reduced pace that cancer introduced was such a good thing?? Even though my body is returning to a more regular place, I'm having a pretty hard time keeping up. I've never forgotten to RSVP to so many invitations, been late or just plain overlooked more things in my life. Whew... So, in that vein, forgive my long absence and know that we have been BUSY! Much of our "busyness" (well, all of it really...) is self-inflicted and thankfully, almost all of it is fun. We took a trip to Boston for a business conference for Darin. Hence, the gorgeous picture of "organic" sushi (great little place in Brookline on Harvard Street...). That was an awesome lunch. Only to be rivaled by the fabulous one at Kingfish - Todd English's amazing seafood joint in Quincy Market - and our dinner at Bricco in the North End. But... it wasn't ALL food... we got to see so many wonderful friends - Larry (thanks again for the tour and the pucks, the kids were thrilled!), Danielle (it had been WAAAAAAY too long D!!!), Coach Parker (I tried to procure some scholarships for the boys... apparently he doesn't plan quite that far ahead...) and Roseanne (thanks for taking the afternoon off with us!! I hope that didn't affect your numbers for the week... ha ha). Sorry that we missed out on getting together with you, Scoot but you'll get your fill of us this summer, I'm sure! Since that trip there has been more end of the school year events (graduation for Parker, last day picnic, first-grade parents picnic for Dryden), soccer stuff, picnics and parties (Happy 40th Matt!!! that is one we won't soon forget... ). Add to all of that a new round of appointments for me with plastic surgeons and a lymphedema specialist (let's just say that increased weight lifting, yoga and the humidity - btw... is it August??? hasn't been kind to me) and we had to call in the big guns - Grandma. She is baaaaaaack! Hooray! Grandma arrived last Friday (just in time for us to stay out waaaaay too late to celebrate with Matt...) and is staying for several weeks to cover this round of appointments as well as my Zometa infusion. It has been very discouraging thus far, to say the least. Without going into a lot of detail, (I've finally found something that I actually prefer to keep kind of private... novel...), I'll suffice it to say that there aren't any easy answers and I don't know what this means for me. It has also been hard to have this be our daily focus again. There is a really big part of us that would like to say that I "had" cancer and now we are just normal again, even though it is likely that we won't ever be free of it in some form or another (thank you lymphedema, drug trials and scars...). But now we are back to weighing options that all have lifelong side effects and potential pitfalls and I'm sick of it. In the midst of it, I'm still struggling with a hairdo that doesn't "do" it for me... and, I know that is really difficult for many of you to understand ("it's just hair, it will grow..." etc. etc.). But for me it is just an ugly, constant reminder that I am not me and I never will be again (just so you know, hair grows a LOT slower than you think and it isn't "cute"). Dryden looked at me the other day and said, (this is after he mentioned how much I look like a man... thanks, because I wasn't feeling masculine enough with my "ellen" haircut and butchered body...) "I really hope that your hair looks exactly like it did before". Well... me too, buddy! Anyhow, it hasn't gotten any easier and regardless of the ridiculous heat, I have been clinging to my wig more than ever before. In all honesty, I have never been angry about having cancer and I'm not angry now, but I can't seem to embrace this person that I am today. I don't really like her and I think that she is ugly. And the hardest part of it is that I feel like it shouldn't really matter to me so much... what about all of that perspective that I have gained in the rest of my life?? No matter what I tell myself (or what Darin tells me because let me be the first to assure you that love truly is blind!), I can't seem to come to terms. So, today, at Sarah Young's direction... I turn to Isaiah 26:3:

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you."

I need your perfect peace Lord because today I have none. Keep my mind steadfast because it is running at full speed in 50 other directions. All that I've got is trust in you... I trust you to do the rest.