Settling in...

So I thought that it was hard to hear that I had cancer... big, angry, willing to relocate cancer. But truly, the last day and a half have been harder. I feel a little disembodied, very emotional and extremely weary. BUT WAIT, the fight hasn't even begun and I don't feel up to fighting it. I'm wondering if maybe God was wrong about me and that great, warrior exterior is crumbling to reveal the scared little girl underneath.


It started with another unbelievable blessing from God... we have moved (a year and a half ago now - although you wouldn't know it from the missing powder room mirror, playmobil-filled "dining room" and splotchy "one year review" walls) into an amazing development full of great kids who have awesome parents and we've already made some friendships that I know will be lifelong. As part of this, we join in with weekly street hockey/cookout fests that rage until it is too dark to play, little ones have been put in random pack-n-plays and littlish ones are long past their bedtimes. As it turns out one of these wonderful neighbors is a pharmacist. I guess that it hadn't occurred to me that I will soon be on a first name basis with pharmacy folk. So, when he put his arm around me and offered to take care of all of my prescriptions, bring them home, deal with insurance and generally make sure that I'm getting the meds that I need... everything that is coming became that much more real. (more tears... then and now) How amazing is God that He already picked out a pharmacist to hold my hand through all of this poisonous medication nonsense?!! I mean, we're talking about me, the girl who hates to take a Tylenol!!! I did make him promise to tell me - honestly - what each of the crazy toxins that they will give me is going to do to me (and I'm holding you to that, Ed!!), but Praise the Lord for some help that I wasn't even realizing that I would need. God is clearly in this with me in more ways that I could've ever imagined.

Then today as I pondered even further this disease that is only slightly more dangerous than the drugs/treatments that are going to battle it and wondered how to prepare myself physically, a heavy box full of books about Harvard surgeons with breast cancer, cooking to defeat cancer (or at the very least boost my immune system and make me generally as healthy as I can be - and right here I have to stop and ask if a few m&ms, and by that I mean few 1lb. bags, would still be ok now and then??), or just cooking to look like carol alt (she's all RAW, if you didn't know it) and one of inspiration arrived. I think that I just started sobbing all over Darin at this point. No words express what each of your cards, flowers, books (I'm LOVING that model chick's perspective Nikki!!) and messages mean to me. Darin just suggested today that we should find some cool paper and print off the emails so that WHEN I am looking back on this I can have memories of your love, inspiration and support (not to mention I can find all of the websites, articles, people and verses that you have mentioned... my mind is a big, black hole right now). I laid awake early this morning trying to figure out how to repay each of you individually in a way that could somehow touch the gravity of your gift. And I wondered what exactly "cancer thank you cards" should look like... Darin suggested that we make our own that say, "so... I HAD cancer and I kicked it's ass!!!" (sorry mom, I felt like this needed to be in here... we honestly don't talk that way around the kids. Or, even to each other for that matter...).

So, know today that while I am struggling to find my groove, I'm still feeling and seeing God's presence in an incredible way that is new every morning. He seems to prompt one of you to respond to me in just the perfect way right when I need it. It is so incredible to be showered by the love of so many unbelievable people.



As a side note... Shawna has asked that when you email her with offers of help to please put my name in the subject line so that she doesn't accidentally delete you as spam! Thanks!!! And btw Rebekah... I didn't delete your comments and I'm the only "author" around here... I have no idea what happened there... sorry!