Shock and awe...

Well, if you are here, you already know. We are still trying to deal with the initial flood of emotions that sometimes threatens to overcome us both. I'm sure that at some point my inner fighter will arrive to take over but right now all that I can think about is our shattered future. But, this is a dark moment, deep down inside I truly believe in every one of God's promises - including the one that says, "in this life you will have trouble". I'm just not sure that I really understood what that meant, until now.

Most of you have received my email and know that I look upon this cancer as a responsibility from God. Given to me but meant for many. So how I live this chapter will reflect mostly on Him, not me. That feels right now like more than I am ready to bear but as Rock (our pastor) always says, "God only gives you the grace that you need, when you need it. He is seldom early but never late". My faith is strong and God is stronger. Live or die, I know that His plan is perfect even if I can't make sense of it here on earth.

So, let me tell you what we know so far. I found this rather large lump in my right breast about 3 1/2 weeks ago on a Sunday evening. By Tuesday morning I had called my family doctor and went to see her on Wednesday, April 29. I had already managed to go to the dark side (we are really into Star Wars around here these days and those words mean so much in more ways than one...) on several occasions but really had my fears eased when she said right away that she was almost certain it was a cyst. However, she sent me for a diagnostic mammogram (fun, fun...) and an ultrasound just to be sure. I had a wonderful radiologist, whom I am peppering with questions on a daily basis, who told me that we needed to get a biopsy because she "just didn't know" (although something in her just gave it away already... when I asked her yesterday if she knew at that point, she admitted that she suspected the worst but was hoping to prove herself wrong). I had that ultrasound guided biopsy on Tuesday the 19th and she knew immediately that it was not good. I found out yesterday morning just how "not good" it was...

My cancer is called Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (IDC for all of you who, like me, are driven to google...). It is made up of cells that are highly differentiated from normal, which means that they are "grade 3" (of a 1-3 scale... not good). Unfortunately this means that they are prone to wander although the one piece of good news that Dr. G - the wonder radiologist - had was that there was no obvious signs of cancer in the lymph nodes. Now, this is not to be confused with "stage 3" cancer because there are several receptor tests that they must do (which take days) in order to help determine that, as well as some further testing on me (MRI, blood tests, etc.). So I guess that is yet to be determined. Like so many other things...

So, that is where we stand right now. I'll do my best to keep this site updated with the latest as well as random ranting when I just don't know what else to do. I love you all and have been so blessed by so many kind words (and righteous anger... ha ha). I so appreciate all of the offers to help... I know that we will need as things progress. Sometimes I really feel like talking and other times I just can't. Call if you feel like it (I have caller id... don't be offended if I don't answer - sometimes I'm not even screening, I'm just in the bathroom, you know??). I've never been good at calling people... I wouldn't really expect that to change. :) Please pray for strength for all of us. But, above all, pray that I will not let God down with this huge responsibility that He has given to me. I feel certain that this journey is not really about me but about His greater plan in my life. I desire to live up to that calling.