The dreaded day three...

I am now all set up with Darin's laptop in bed so typing is a bit easier (and sitting is too... remember that rib resection?? yep... it still hurts. ugh). I am scared to say this, but I'm not feeling half bad here today (in a relative sense, of course). After my experience with day 3 after surgery last time, I was really starting to get a little anxious about today. But... I'm nicely medicated (and not too loopy this time around) and resting comfortably at the moment. Our kids are doing awesome although I am much more tender this time so I fear them to be anywhere near me lest something accidental should cause me some serious pain (like when Neely tapped on my chest this morning to get my attention and I burst into tears which subsequently made her burst into tears... how awful!! She doesn't understand and to see mom crying was just more than she could take). They earned their latest summer reading program treat - free kids' meals at Red Robin - so I think that Dad and the Grandmas will be taking everyone out for lunch today. I'm just going to rest here and try to talk myself into eating something healthy... Dr. Ahrendt called yesterday with the pathology reports (already!! more on that later...) and stressed how important it is for me to be eating and not only eating but eating lots of protein (not my forte when I am feeling crummy... cinnamon crunch bagels, anyone?? perhaps a boatload of cream cheese would up the protein content there...). For some reason something that she said prompted me to ask about her thoughts on integrative medicine and - HUGE praise for answered prayers - she told me that she was very open to it and that she thought Dr. Puhalla would be as well. yay. Now I need to get myself referred to the UPMC Center for Integrative Medicine and my new prayer request is that insurance will cover some integrative therapies (supplements, acupuncture, seeing a Naturopath, nutritionist, etc.).

As for the path report... not so good but really nothing unexpected. The tumor was very large at 5.3cm although it wasn't all invasive ductal carcinoma. About 40% was made up of ductal carcinoma insitu (the kind of cancer that is still contained within the ducts). I also had 4 positive nodes (which, in a nice medical play on words is not the least bit "positive"... it just means that they had cancer in them). She said that they took everything that they possibly could (without messing with my pectoral muscle - which they are loathe to do anymore) but that the cancer was right out to their margins. Basically, all of this just means that I must have radiation and that is why they abandoned the reconstruction at the time of surgery. Additionally... this also puts me in the Stage III category. That's scary, but God is bigger and Dr. Ahrendt is optimistic about my future. Our next move will be chemotherapy (because there was that much node involvement, they don't want to risk anything floating around in my system ready to blossom into another tumor) but not until I've had several weeks to heal. Thank goodness, because I'm not yet ready to face anything else that is going to cause discomfort, nausea and pain. Dr. Puhalla will be the one to make the ultimate decisions regarding chemo drugs, timing, etc. and we see her in a little over a week.

Darin has been the ultimate trooper in helping me with my drains, washing my hair and just generally waiting on me hand and foot. (telling me that I'm beautiful with no make-up and wearing the same zippered sweatshirt for the past three days... he's a saint!) I have no idea where I would be without a spouse like this!!! I have mentioned so often what all of the support of our moms, friends and family has meant but I'm not sure that I have highlighted enough the strength and love that I get regularly from my beloved husband. His life has been completely derailed as well and not once has he complained or felt sorry for himself (and who would blame him if he did?!?? It's not any fun to have a sickly, hobbling wife...). I save most of my tears, fears and negativity for him, yet he just listens and allows me to express my feelings. This journey would truly be impossible without him. I love you baby. Thank you for all the prayers that help to keep him strong as well... they are sooo terribly important.

So, this overall surgical experience was much better... but, as Darin pointed out, that is likely due to a much different level of pain! I dreaded it more because I knew what was coming, however it seemed to go by so much faster. Dr. Shende came to visit us ("just a social call", she said) and I managed to get a good laugh out of Dr. Ahrendt (I can still only get Dr. Gimbel to crack a smile... he's a little too brilliant for my comic powers...) when I told her to be sure that she didn't let her resident go doing anything on her own. ha ha I had to have an extremely painful shot of dye prior to surgery in order for them to find the sentinel node (the first one removed) which ultimately turned my urine a bright blue. Now... for anyone out there who deals in this sort of thing on a regular basis... it may be helpful if you inform the patient prior to their first trip to the bathroom that they will be eliminating something of an electric shade so that they don't have an anxiety attack!! I also got this nifty little patch behind my ear (I had the same anesthesiologist as the last time - is God good or what??? and he was able to tweak things a bit for me so that I didn't need all of those shots of zofran post surgery) that all but eliminated my nausea. Apparently people wear these on cruises (and in surgery...) to ward off that crummy nauseous feeling. I'm still wearing mine, just in case. However, by the time that Darin left me on Wednesday night (around 9:45pm), I was eating a turkey sandwich! I only spent a couple of hours in recovery and got a beautiful, huge room with a great nurse for the first night. The I.V. went fine (even though it was in my hand... yuck!) as well. So many answers to prayer and so many thanks to everyone who continues to hold us up before the Lord!

Right now, I'm stuck with this drain for several more days (it's not fun at all, but really less traumatic than I envisioned. I'm still blown away that Darin is stripping and emptying it without hesitation... ). I can barely use my right arm and I'm still having quite a bit nerve and bone pain from the previous surgery, but I'm so thankful to be having less pain in this surgical site than I had imagined.

The morning before surgery, Dryden was laying on the couch and said to me, "you know Mom, we're just hanging out like it's a normal day and you don't even have cancer!". And, I think that was the beginning of my understanding of what is coming. Up to this point, I don't know if we had really accepted the reality of "cancer". The surgeries are one thing, but the actual treatment of cancer - which will really make me appear (and likely feel...) sick to my kids - is something else alltogher. It's been a sad couple of days for both of us as we look down the long road ahead of us. I really appreciated Dr. Ahrendt's frankness about this being a long journey, but she wrapped it up by telling me about the many women with cancer like mine that she continues to get Christmas cards from 10+ years later. I pray that will be us too!!