One week away...

I can't help but think that at this time next week I will have a very different body than I have today... and actually, that sounds a lot more profound than I feel. I'm really just scared of more surgery, more pain and long recovery. ugh. I think that having that hanging over my head has been a big part of my droopy mood over the past couple of days. I'm definitely getting a little bit better every day (not so much that I am really sleeping well however... I laid awake unable to get comfortable since 4:30am this morning and finally gave in and got up to work on this. Hope that you are having a great run Shawna & Lyn!!). It is the referred pain that is killing me. My rib area feels painful and incredibly sensitive, but it is at least responsive to the pain medication (which, with only a week to go to surgery, is only Tylenol at this point!). The area of referred pain comes across the front of my abdomen in a line from my tenth rib down to my navel and it is electric. It is terribly sensitive to temperature and sensation and it is like a stabbing, sharp pain that is pretty much constant, but definitely worse after I have been pushing myself for awhile. yuck. I've talked to Dr. Shende's nurse Marie about it a couple of times and even she seemed a little baffled by it, but she said that Dr. Shende said something about given how low the surgery was (10th rib in the back... one above the floaters - 11 & 12, in case your anatomy is rusty) this is a normal response. It sounds funny, but just knowing that this is "ok" makes it more bearable. It is the wondering whether or not what you are feeling is something that you "should" be feeling that makes me crazy! (crazier??? maybe...)

So many friends have stepped in this week to help me (and Audrey, really... I'm pretty well useless still) entertain the kiddos. I think that they have had something to do almost every afternoon this week! We even did a little party at the pool last night with the Kush's. I just sat and watched Neely hurtle her little body into the pool with reckless abandon wondering if I could muster up enough strength to run and jump into the pool to save her if I had to... (like those people that you read about in Reader's Digest who lift cars off of accident victims). Seriously, she has ZERO fear! Darin even let her plunge completely under the water at one point (it sounds a lot more heartless than it was and he was standing right in front of her) to help her to develop a little healthy fear. She barely cried, came over to me to wipe her face with a towel and was right back at it! However, now he was teaching her to wait for him to say "go". She would stand there with her little finger in the air and say "Daddy say...". It was adorable. Parker told me before he ever fell asleep for a very long nap that afternoon that he was just going to sit at the pool and watch the other kids swim. And, being my child - stubborn as can be - don't you know that is what he did for the entire 2+ hours that we were there?!? Fortunately Tucker brought a Spider man mask so Parker spent most of the time commandeering that when he wasn't looking. Dryden had a blast. He swam, jumped after the football, built a fort out of all the pool floaties and free chairs (waaaaaaay faraway from the parents) and ate delivery pizza. What more could a kid in the summertime want?!? They have been doing pretty well and have been pretty good about my limitations. It does break my heart to hear from Parker every day that he just wishes that I could "hold you". And Dryden gives me a pitiful look saying that I never let him sit on my lap anymore. But... we do a lot of reading on the couch to make up for our lack of cuddling in other ways.

I'm also starting to get my communication with the Lord back up to speed these days. Have you ever noticed that sometimes when things are just bad that you can't even seem to put together a decent prayer? I just find myself uttering random pleas for peace, comfort and strength rather than actually spending time with Him. Thankfully that is when the Holy Spirit is translating for me... That's probably just a better deal all the way around where I'm concerned anyhow. ha ha. I'm thinking that this whole cancer process is going to just a be a continuous cycle of that type of thing. It is so comforting to know that in times like this He knows my needs even when I can't put them into words. Thank you Lord that you never leave me or forsake me!

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8