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This morning Darin packed up our three little munchkins and carted them off to church (Dryden couldn't stand to miss an opportunity to earn "Bible Bucks". Which, according to Rock - our pastor - will buy you "Jesus Junk". ha ha!). I have actually enjoyed the silence and spent the time finishing off a book (finally!), trying to work on some CEU quizzes (now that is a dedicated health care professional, eh???) and just relaxing with some increased discomfort today. I am anxious to be able to listen online to the service that I missed today and hopefully by next week, when I am drain-free, I will be able to attend in person! Amy, I appreciate the warning about nerve pain and lymph node removal. It is nice to have the reflections of someone who has gone before you. Praise the Lord that I am not experiencing a lot of that in my underarm area so far, but let me tell you that I can fully sympathize because that is pretty much what is going on across my abdomen from my rib surgery. I guess God decided to cut me a break there (no pun intended...) and keep it to one side for the time being!
While I was wrapping up a little reading from Barbara Johnson, I came across some incredible stuff that couldn't be more relevant to where I am sitting right at this moment. Although I have been blessed to not struggle mightily with the "whys" of my cancer, I have definitely been sad and seen some darker days lately. It was nice to have what I believe laid out so succinctly for me... let me share a little bit of it with you...
Barbara Johnson puts it like this: "He allows suffering to come into our lives so that His glory can be revealed in us. He doesn't send it, but it comes to us through His filter." Isn't that amazing?? It sounds exactly like what I "heard" the Lord telling me from the moment I found the lump. And, it is a good reminder that God doesn't create suffering for us because He somehow enjoys seeing us in pain... not at all! But we live in a fallen world and need to recognize that He will sometimes allow misfortune to befall us to build us up and remind us that this isn't heaven! However, it uplifts me to know that He will use my suffering not only to strengthen my faith but to reach out to others that may not have been able to understand Him in any other way (and He certainly uses me today in a way that I never could've come to in my health and prosperity).
She then quotes Margaret Clarkson from her book, "Grace Grows Better in the Winter", saying: "For those who believe in the love and wisdom of a sovereign God, who see His hand in all that concerns them, a God-hedged life, if a somewhat awesome, even a terrible thing, can be wonderful - a life of joy and freedom, a life of peace and praise, a life of thanksgiving and service. ... God did not promise us days without pain, laughter without sorrow or sun without rain. But He did promise us strength for the day, comfort for the tears and light for the way." What an amazing, awesome reminder of the promises of a God who loves each of us!!! To this Barbara Johnson adds, "Truly we can advance much further in grace in one hour of suffering than in many carefree days of prosperity... Brokenness brings wholeness to all of us in a variety of ways."
She wraps up all of this incredible testimony and insight with a great, old adage that I have no idea who initiated... "No one can go back and make a brand-new start, but anyone can start now and make a brand-new ending!" I want to live this way forever. When this whole, crazy mess is someday just a vivid memory (because, I don't actually believe that it will completely fade away... it's a little too BIG), I want to be able to come back to this place of cherishing what I have right now in this moment. I want to be able to have my priorities in the places that they belong and I want to only increase in the knowledge and grace of the Lord. wow...
This quote today was amazing. Your faith in the healing powers of your lord amazes me. I am in awe, that to be in such a dark place right now and still find a silver lining. Keep your head up and your faith strong and enjoy each and every moment with your kids and family. I am glad you are finding some time to rest,read and relax even though it is hard for you. Take care.
ReplyDeleteSuch beautiful thoughts the Lord gave you this morning. We all need those reminders no matter where we are! We do live in such a fallen world, and we shouldn't be so surprised when the "unexpected" occurs. I just love how God shows His power through us. May those who don't believe, see His goodness yet!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the time you take to journal. You've been ministering to us as the Lord ministers to you!!!1
As soon as we arrived home we checked your blog.
ReplyDeleteYou have been in our thoughts and prayers all weekend. Thanking God for your amazing faith and spirit through this experience. We will continue
to pray for God's strength to uplift you and your family in the days ahead.
Mel and Dot
Kristen - I don't think you realize how much you are encouraging and helping each of us in our daily walks. While, we don't all have cancer, we do have challenges and difficult times that come into our lives. The things you share can be said of these situations as well. So thank you for that. I remember a few years ago while taking a Beth Moore class that God only allows things in our lives if they will bring Him glory or if it will change our character for the better and draw us closer to Him. Very similar to what Barbara Johnson spoke about. Often people ask how a loving God can allow so much suffering and pain into an individual's life or where is God during all this. The beauty is, He has never left nor will he give us something we can't handle with His help. We are reminded that NOTHING is impossible with God. He loves us too much to let us the way we are, when He knows what type person we could be. I am sorry you are taking this journey, but already see how He is working in your life and the lives that are definately changing as a result of your experience. While none of us would ask to have difficult times, that is when we grow the most in our walk with the Lord. I am thankful you are able to be home and resting. We will continue to pray for healing and strength. Keep the blogs coming; we love them! Love, Sangrey crew
ReplyDeleteYou are on my mind a lot, and in our prayers daily. Something made me check your blog this morning, and let me say how amazing God is because after all we went through with the boys, and when we thought we were losing Alex, each morning He brought us the strength to face the day, and in our most distressing sorrow, He lit the way for us to add an element of joy in tending to our sick baby. We finally saw our way through God's plan for us, and fully trusted Him, no matter what the outcome, and every morning I would drive to the hospitals with Him sitting there as co-pilot...well, really as pilot, tho I was actually driving, even though sometimes I wondered how I had got to Oakland (…auto-pilot!). The thing is, I wanted to say that even when things get back to “normal”, and God is awesome so you will find your normal again, it is too easy to lose a little bit of the strength that He has given you. It is all these things, great and small, in life that we get caught up in, and I know that we find ourselves having a perspective check every now and then. I do know that once you have been so empowered by His grace, that it is always there, and maybe that is why life changes after cancer, after kids, and after death…He gives us so much to get through it, and the “lucky” ones hang on to that and never let go. Much love to you – be well! xo Jen Lawrence
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