Hiatus

Hello all. I have been on a little cancer hiatus over the past week or so and almost feeling like... myself!! (until I walk past a mirror or get a phone call from the woman who is doing my impending wig fitting...) I think that I've been subconsciously avoiding updates because that makes me feel a little "sicker"... if that makes any sense at all. I remember before I started this that Shawna suggested that I do a Caring Bridge page just to keep everyone informed. While it was a great idea... I just couldn't do it "that" way because it was like admitting I am sick. Even though I have been all hacked up (and that really is how it feels) and every time I change my clothes (or move, really...) I am constantly reminded, I have still managed to mentally not go to a place where I am actually sick. That sounds ridiculous even to write, but I am realizing more and more the closer that I get to chemotherapy, that it is true. I'm not sure if that is some sort of defense mechanism, but I truly can't identify with the idea that I am actually very sick.

So, I am in the process of finding a wig that will make me feel a little more like me in the roughest of the bald times. My fabulous friend Brittany located this amazing woman in New York City - who has an unbelievable cancer story of her own - that decided that this wig thing needed an overhaul so she created her own company that comes to you with fabulous (or so they tell me...) wigs. We have decided to make a little party of the occasion (I'm not sure if I'll be able to "enjoy" it or if I'll just suddenly break down in the midst of it...) and pick out some new hair. I have also been starting to collect a few hats (most notably so far, the COOLEST BU hat that Ed found for me!!!!) and head scarves but I think that they all look funny on me. (I guess that I'm either going to have to get over that or embrace complete baldness...)

I am also all set to attend an American Cancer Society sponsored "Look Good Feel Better" event that teaches you how to do your make-up in the midst of chemo (you know, so that you can draw on eyebrows that don't make you look like a drag queen and attempt to do something about the grayish color that becomes your new skin tone). Should be interesting...

Yesterday I met with the research coordinator for the clinical trial that I am participating in. She looks to be about my age and we got to talking about research in general. I mentioned what I used to do with the NHL and Drs. Lovell & Collins and interestingly enough, her husband had had a hockey-related head injury and seen Mick! Small world... Anyhow, she could clearly tell that I had been involved in research due to my Type A nature (and the huge binder that encompasses my cancer care and goes everywhere with me). Some people laugh at that, but truly it is my cancer coping mechanism. It has clearly labeled folders for every physician, pertinent research info., a small binder with everyone's cards, a calendar, etc. etc. It is the only way that I know to deal with something this overwhelming. Being organized (and my house being clean...) are my peace right now. And, speaking of being organized, I am WAY behind on answering emails and a lot of the time, I think that I've answered them (because I formulate answers in my head although it doesn't physically happen...), but I actually haven't! If you are in that no man's land waiting to hear something from me... I am sorry!! I feel like I spend entirely too much time on this computer already trying to track down acupuncturists, wig-makers, research on Avastin, etc. etc. and then I never actually attend to the people who love me and are checking in on us... I apologize!

So... this weekend marks our 11th anniversary (wow!) and my parents are sending us away to a bed-and-breakfast (I think mainly because they are worried about our sanity in the midst of this... ha ha). They are coming here to hang with the kiddos (even thinking that they will attempt church... that should be interesting). I can't wait to just ride in the car alone together... We really have been pretty short on time to just be together - especially while I'm feeling rather healthy. It should be a nice respite and another great way to escape cancer in the short term! Thank you, thank you mom & dad!!

Next week begins a whole new round of cancer-related tasks that will bring us back to reality in a hurry. We've got... wig-fest, make-up for cancer patients 101, a MUGA test (apparently adriamycin can be hard on your heart so they need to check things out prior to shooting you up) and a visit to the radiation oncologist (because you'd hate to forget what ELSE is coming up...). Thankfully, Grandma will be back from her pilgrimage northward for a family wedding (how cool that Darin's cousin is getting married on our anniversary?? As it turns out, I believe that there was a great grandparent married on that day as well?? - Vicki will probably read this and set me straight on that... anyhow... I say that it is a fabulous day to be married!) and hopefully she'll be refreshed as well and ready to plunge right back into cancerland. (sorry Audrey... you're probably wishing that Darin could've done some investigative medical testing on his choice of bride right about now... ha ha) We are so thankful (for ALL of you...) for the continued support of our families. I really can't imagine what any of this would look like without them...

I have no idea what I will actually face in chemo, but I am loving Amy Gerwing's advice to PRAY BIG. Knowing that regardless of what I actually experience, this entire experience is going to be trying (and long... the first infusion will take over 2 hours!), my incredible husband read my mind (he claims that he isn't capable of that, but this is proof otherwise - so no more getting away with not knowing what I want!!) and got me an ipod for our anniversary (it makes the leather Reef sandals that I got him really seem kind of lame...). And just as I was about to ask to borrow one too... So now I just need to figure out how to use it. I think that the first thing that I am going to load is the following song by Casting Crowns that has been carrying us both through the past months:

I was sure by now

That You would have reached down

And wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day

But once again,

I say "Amen",

and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain "I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

Every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

The end of the song references Psalm 121 which is a great reminder for me...

"I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber..." Psalm 121:1-3

Enjoy this pic from our incredible day at Kennywood for Parker's best friend Colin's 5th birthday celebration. The kids had such a great time and Dryden even rode the Jack Rabbit twice (with Britt - I wasn't really ready for anything more eventful than the Turnpike...). It brought such a smile to my face as I remember it to be the first roller coaster that my roller coaster-loving father took me on... what a day...