more i.v.s...

So today it was the combo PET/CT scan at Magee. First, I am so thankful to be at an institution where such an advanced test is routine. Secondly... enough with the i.v.s already!! This one hurt basically the entire time and it didn't help that I had to lie perfectly still with my arms up over my head. I'm also not sure when we will hear of the results of this test, but it is so good to know that it is over. (for now anyhow, the nurses and techs assured me that this is likely the first of many... good times!) For some reason I am completely exhausted... it always seems that these days of testing and appointments completely wipe me out. Additionally, due to the radioactive compound that is injected for the purposes of the PET, I am not supposed to be near to or hold any of the kids. Listening to Neely scream for me is almost enough to push me right over the edge of the cancer cliff. (and it looks like a loooonnnngggg way down...)

From a medical point of view, this is some fascinating technology. It is one machine that combines both CT and PET (obviously) with CT at the front end and PET at the rear. They are then able to read the scans both independently and overlapped to get a very specific picture of everything going on from my neck to my pelvis. The radioactive injectible consists of some sort of glucose isotope that is taken up more readily by cancer cells since they appear to be more greedy, energy-grubbing, blood sucking cells than our everyday, life-giving ones. So now we wait to see if our worst fears are confirmed and this is indeed a metastatic lesion. Don't hold your breath... I'm pretty sure that it is. However, Dr. Puhalla (the medical oncologist - in case you're losing track and somehow glazing over) gave a somewhat positive spin to what she called "oligometastatic" disease. Which is defined by having only one metastatic site. For me this would mean that I would have stage IV incurable cancer which could be treated more like 2 specific, curable cancers. I'm sure that I'm not explaining that quite right, but that is what it boils down too. Therefore... my big prayer here is that nothing else pops up on this more specific scan that we weren't expecting to see. But... regardless of what is there, God is bigger, God is stronger and He has certain plans for this cancer.

I have been wrestling with the blues - and it always gets worse as the weekend ends and I have to come back to my reality of appointments and doctors - but I have not lost sight of the certainty that God is in control. I can't really make sense of why this was what He allowed in my life, but I know that it is for His purposes. We sang a song this past Sunday that talked about surrendering ourselves to Him and I can definitely say, probably for the first time, that I am there both in terms of my "internal" self as well as my "external" self. I pray that I am worthy of whatever His plans are (and if He is speaking specifically to you right now... listen up, already, ok?!!?? ha ha... just a little God humor there...) and that no matter the outcome of the tests before us, that I will behave like I'm on His mission. Not always an easy thing to do...

I finally started the CAM (or more aptly termed: integrative medicine, as I have learned) book that a good friend sent a few days ago and am getting ready to take charge of at least part of my healing process. The idea is to combine both traditional medicine and - what was formerly known as alternative medicine - in a way that will enhance my body's ability to heal itself in the face of both cancer and its treatments. For those of you who think of that I'm kind of a nutritional/ecofriendly nutball as it is... you ain't seen nothing yet!! ha ha. Speaking of that, here's a funny PET/CT scan story for you... so, I've worked very hard in recent years to avoid additives, preservatives, ingredients that I cannot pronounce or define, etc. etc. (the notable exception being when those things interfere with my quest for either ice cream or chocolate... which I try to keep to a respectable "occasional"). So, how about they serve up my gastrovue (the stuff that makes clear what is "gut" and what is not not on CT) in crystal light!!! Of all of the artificial crap to give to someone?! I wanted to say, "can't you see that I am fighting cancer here?!!". Next time I'm just going to request mine in water...

Ok, before I end this really long post... just a little shout out to all of my wonderful girlfriends who have been calling, emailing, bringing muffins (and you know who you are, Halley!), sending flowers and arriving from out of town to go to lunch at Mad Mex (I will take you back there if you come too, Heidi. I can never have too much Mad Mex... ha ha). It has lifted my spirits and made me laugh in the midst of the darkest place that I have ever been. And what an interesting journey it is with the incredibly varied response that each of you has to this bizarre (and increasingly so...) cancer thing that I'm - and really, we are - dealing with. Some of you are all positive all the time, some of you are deeply spiritual and introspective, some of you make food, some of you research and ponder and ALL of it is so powerful for me! Love to you all!! (and btw Coz, because I know that you'll be wondering... the picture is of Dryden's last day of kindergarten at the bus stop with his neighborhood buddies - thank you Kelly!)