pain, pain and more pain...

...just wanted to say a hearty thank you to all who are praying that my pain after surgery would not be as terrible as it could be. Because, if it was any worse than this... I'm not sure what I would do! Today has been by far the worst day that I have had. I am in unbelievable pain from my shoulder to my hip on the left side and it is pretty much excruciating to get up or down, stand or sit, breathe... go to the bathroom, pretty well anything. I am clinging to the thought that the mastectomy will not be anything compared to this. But, now I am really just praying that I will be strong enough to endure another surgery in three weeks! Praise the Lord that I am 36 and healthy, I can't imagine if i were feeble or had other contributing health issues. Additionally... I can't imagine any less Grandparents around to keep everyone occupied! It has been a major struggle for me to sit up here and listen to everything going on and not have the strength and/or the ability to get involved in any way. I think that is probably a very humbling thing for me and most definitely a lesson from the Lord that things don't actually have to be done my way all the time! (and it doesn't appear that the household is crumbling around me...) My appetite continues to be nonexistent which is probably contributing to my sense of drugged fogginess and slight nausea. I did finally manage to muscle down a Bruster's coffee shake after everyone spent the day begging me to. It seems that when I try to eat regular food the act of chewing interferes with the effort of breathing and I get all sweaty and short of breath. Somehow that makes me not feel like eating at all. (so much for keeping my strength and immune system up with all of that healthy food, eh Janelle?!??) I have to say though... if I had any appetite at all, I'd be gaining weight hand over fist with all of the fantastic foods that are coming into this house! (Amy, I have never seen such beautiful chocolate covered strawberries!) Maybe in a day or so I'll feel good enough to make myself some much healthier smoothies... too bad there isn't a Jamba Juice on every corner like there is in San Jose... :) (makes me want to just jump on a plane to go and visit you, Anne! well... not really... when I think about a pressurized cabin and my current lung capacity... ok, clearly enough thinking!!)

Audrey whisked Neely away this morning after our Saturday morning waffle party and Darin, his dad and the boys did a bunch of shopping (coming home with a beautiful bracelet for mom that the boys picked out themselves in PINK - how appropriate!) and hit the pool. My mom has hovered here not wanting to leave me alone for a second, not that I have been one bit of good company. I guess that I can't blame her... I have no idea what I would be like if Neely were in my current shoes...

So, while I have sat here desperately trying to find a position that resembles something comfortable, I tried out that relaxation cd that you sent Shelly... have you listened to anything by that woman before? I have to admit that being the practical type that I am, I was pretty skeptical, but I found myself getting really relaxed! interesting... I've always told others in my life that struggle with anxiety or related issues, that relaxation techniques might be good for them. Maybe this whole experience is a lesson in humility and complete reliance on the Lord!! Rock (our pastor) said something recently that really resonated with me and I have thought of it a lot over the past several weeks... He asked us all to ask ourselves whether our faith is truly strong, or just untested. Given the life that I have led to this point, I had to say that I would like to think that my faith is strong, but it was surely untested. That is not true of me anymore... however, I don't feel as though my faith is being "tested" per say, I feel as though it is being refined in the refiner's fire. I have not once doubted that God is who He says He is or that He lacks any power to remove this all in an instant, but I have had to learn how to keep my focus on His power, His strength and His unending love for me (and my family and all of those who are acting as His hands in my life). It is truly a journey and I'm thinking that I'm going to have plenty of time to "perfect" my faith along the way...

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2