Follow-up

We returned to Dr. Ahrendt's office today to get the drain removed and find out what our next steps might be - from the surgical oncology perspective anyway. I had been well-assured that the drain removal is no big deal and Dr. Ahrendt's PA reinforced this before she yanked with all of her might (which was incredibly painful, by the way) and then proceeded to rub all over my unbelievably sensitive chest and underarm before finally removing it with further yanking. That kind of sums up my cancer journey so far... thus and so shouldn't be a big deal... but it is, such-and-such should be simple... but, it's not. Anyhow, guess that I should be glad because she proceeded to tell us that that "never" happens and she was just hoping that it wasn't sutured in inside me somewhere! UUUGGGGGHHHHH.

However, I have now been encouraged to just "forget about it" and live like normal, easing into all of my everyday activities. Somehow, that doesn't even make sense to me right now, but it does mean that we can give both of our incredible mothers a much-needed BREAK. They have so selflessly tried to do every little thing just as we would like it and have truly succeeded. Unfortunately, they don't get much positive reinforcement on that front because we don't seem very happy... but that is really only because nothing will actually make us happy right now. Not a good situation to be in for someone who is just trying to help... and not a very gracious response for those who are the receiving end of ALL of this help. yikes... not how you imagine that you would be in this situation - if you've ever tried to imagine a situation like this (and if you haven't... don't).

This has been a very emotionally difficult week for everyone. Physically, I am starting to heal and looking forward to being more in charge of my own life but otherwise, it has just been a very difficult transition. We now know what we've already suspected... we're fighting a very aggressive and pretty advanced cancer. That is overwhelming and likely to get more so on Tuesday when Dr. Puhalla lays it all on the line for us. Chemo is looming closer and closer and no one has bothered to sugarcoat that at all... it's bad and they all know it. Some days I'm just not sure if I can be strong enough to see this all through while maintaining some semblance of a normal life for our kids, our families and just for us. I'm hopeful that we can try to step back a little bit this weekend and just relax, but that has been so elusive for us all.

I know that you are all praying, but please pray specifically this weekend for some emotional relief for everyone... me, Darin, kids, moms and extended families. I so often feel like I'm not doing this "right". Like I should be able to be more gracious, more obviously thankful, more happy to see each successive day and more ready to take this thing head on. Instead, I feel like falsifying my identity and sneaking away in the hopes that if I run fast enough and far enough that maybe I can outrun this life and this person that I don't even recognize.

Thank you for continuing to hold us up before the Lord when we are completely out of strength to do that for ourselves.