ok, so I finally feel just a little bit like me!

I think that both of our moms almost jumped for joy when they came in this morning and realized that I didn't look like walking death for a change. There might've been a small moment in the past 5 days where they wondered if I actually ever would start to feel better! (I know that thought crossed my mind once or twice!!) This morning I spent several hours in the presence of other people and managed to carry on something resembling a conversation (I think, I don't really remember all of it... ). I do know that Audrey asked me to put together a little shopping list and it took me at least a half hour to put 6 or 8 things on paper for her to pick up at Giant Eagle. For some reason I can bang out plenty here but to put two practical thoughts together is a major undertaking! It must be all of the drugs converging because there is definitely a part of me that remains kind of fuzzy and "out there". Sometimes I feel like I just can't quite keep up to the pace of everything moving around me... very weird?!??!! I'll be happy to put these drugs quite a ways behind me! (so that I can just start them up again in another week or so! yikes...)

Still no word on the labs. Everyone keeps asking me if I am desperately anxious and jumping every time that the phone rings, but to be perfectly honest... I've barely thought about them at all. (another obvious sign that someone FAR greater is in control of my life. That is not my normal method of dealing with... anything...) Truthfully, I'm pretty resigned to the idea that it is cancer and that doesn't really change anything for me currently. We will deal with what that means when it comes time to talk chemo and future and all of that stuff, but right now I still have breast surgery in two weeks and I still need to heal from this crazy surgery. But don't take all of that the wrong way, if it should so happen that the rib and the spots on my chest wall are all nothing... We will consider that a gift from God and we will be celebrating that little victory in our fight against cancer. For now, we just wait (patiently... wow... not a word that I get to use in reference to myself, ever!) I was reminded today in my "daily encouragement" (what a COOL idea!!!) that: "A heart at peace gives life to the body." Proverbs 14:30 and I feel like that couldn't be more appropriate for me today.

Incidentally... that was Dryden (and Parker) at the Science Center today Shelly! With some amazing friends... they had a BLAST. Who knew that C3Po and R2D2 were going to be there!?!! Parker was in heaven. And apparently Dryden beat some robot at air hockey, which was his highlight of the day. :) Awesome treat for them (and me... I kicked everyone else out of the house and had some much needed all alone time... thank you all!). I have been filling my time slowly reading all of the incredible books that I have been given and I came across this beautiful image that so related to how I have been feeling in a book by Barbara Johnson... She was telling the story of someone else's journey through cancer and a loved one who related the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego (Daniel 3) to her struggle. That loved one stated it like this: "The fiery experience is twofold: to refine us into the purest gold and to let others catch their first (and possibly only) look at Jesus." Then writing, "Real Christians know that sometimes the only way the world around us will ever see Christ is through the fiery flames of our own trials and suffering." I hope that makes some sense to you the way that it turned on a bright light for me. And please don't ever confuse my willingness to be used of God in this way with some kind of ridiculous martyrdom complex or a belief that suffering is the only way that God can use us. However, it is a very vivid way for Him to get both my attention and perhaps the attention of someone else that He has been trying to get for a very long time. I would have never elected this for myself, but I cannot feel sad for the ways that it has changed my thinking, my life and hopefully the lives of many others in its wake. Thank you, thank you for your continued prayers for all of us. I've never known the constant presence of God in my life like this before.